Grief and Love in a new relationship

[MollysGirl]

Hello Mumsnetters

I had typed out a novella, but somehow deleted it before posting. Maybe that's for the best. I will try to distill my question into a shorter format.

So, relatively recently, I've met someone that I really, really like. I mean REALLY.
He really, really likes me too. We get each other.

All great.

Not so great: due to a monumental screw-up in communication in one of our very early dates, I misunderstood information in relation to a grieving process that's he's undergoing.

Basically, I thought he was much further down the road than he actually is.

He's doing all he can to deal, (fairly decent self-care/counselling/meeting his responsibilities etc) but it came as a huge shock when we figured out the mistake that had been made.

He's still really hurting, he's depressed, but he is also amazed that he met me, and he feels really lucky, and I do too.

Am I being a mug though.

Of course I can't (and don't want to) fix him. Only he can do that.

But I also don't want to throw away something beautiful just because he's in bad shape emotionally right now.

I rationalise it to myself like this: if he'd been in a car crash a few months ago, and was broken/wounded, would I dump him right now? The answer there is No.

However, I have form for making stupid decisions about men and I am at a loss right now. I do not want to get hurt.

We have in the interim decided to just take things REALLY slowly.

Thanks for reading all this.

Not exactly distilled after all was it!

What do you think I should do?

Umm...OK, so he hasn't lied, you had a misunderstanding.

This is a romantic loss? If you enjoy each other's company I'd continue to see each other but make sure you don't become too much of a sounding board, he needs to do that in a professional environment, you have needs too

If you were looking for a car, and he had a car to sell you, but it had been in a crash...

You would say, great potential in that car mate, get it to a mechanic and fix it up. If you fix it and I’m still in the market for a car, I’ll defibitejy have it.

You might decide to keep riding your bike for 6 months because that really does look like a damn good car for you.

What you wouldn’t do, if say hey - why not park that unfixed heap of junk on my drive way for 6 months whilst your mechanic orders the parts.

Honestly...

Too much drama. If he’s got so much grief he had no business to be dating in the first place. Be wary of being messed about here!

Thanks for replies.

It's such a confusing place to be right now.

He treats me very well. Always contacts when he says he will, always shows up, always tells me how happy he is to see me. Always thanks me for spending time with him. It's difficult.

In what way is his grief impacting your relationship? Is he saying it is making it hard for him to commit or truly focus on you?

I think it’s really unhelpful to you to think about “would you dump him if it was a physical injury” (from a car crash)

Thing is, a broken leg doesn’t stop you properly participating in a relationship. But grief, depression, other mental health related issues - they might do.

Don’t fall into some trap of being politically correct. A physical injury and a mental state may be exactly the same in terms of sympathy deserved, treatment deserved. They are not the same on impact to relationships. It is perfectly OK to not get involved with someone who is depressed and grieving.

If he needs to “take it slow”, he needs to consider what business he has in dating. I’m not saying he should rush it - but he should be normal.

Yes, how come he is going on dates with someone if he is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship?

Also - call me cynical. Every time I read in here the phrase “take it slowly” it always seems to refer to getting any real sense of commitment. The man who wants to take it slowly never seems to mean they don’t want sex yet. All the good stuff, none of the hard stuff. Just saying.

Actually, I just did a search. I know it’s frowned upon and I promise it was to look for useful info not to trip you up, OP

So I see that you met him on Tinder.

People who are still needing “self care” and grieving a breakup and who are not in good places emotionally have no business being on Tinder, fucking women about.

It’s one thing to meet someone at work in less than perfect timing, a friend of a friend maybe...

If you need to take it slowly, get off Tinder!

I think male mental health and grief is a huge challenge in a relationship.

My ex Long term partner was depressed and seeking help. I stayed longer in that relationship, because I thought that was the right thing to do, I was also scared of what would happen if I left. Turns out my choice to stay was wrong.

My current partner has just ended it (full post somewhere below). He’s grieving and his family are all concerned about his well being. I think it’s all got to much for him (my opinion) and walked away. I don’t want to not fight, as I think he may actually need him.

It takes a lot for any person to stand by someone who is suffering. But if your happy, and you think that continuing is doing no harm. Then be there for him, but be prepared for a possible mentally challenging rollercoaster.

I'd put the brakes on OP.

My DH's dad died a couple of years ago and I won't beat about the bush.... it was tough. Really tough. I have known and loved DH for well over 25 years but it put a massive strain on our relationship and I struggled at times to be the support he needed me to be. It was like I had become invisible and was left to carry all the mental load.

All that in a new relationship? I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak here and he has no place engaging in a relationship when he's not in place to do so.

I think it matters if it’s a family/friend loss or a romantic loss. I would be seriously unimpressed to meet a man on Tinder whose wife was not long dead. He would strike me as the kind of man who thinks women are easily replaceable.

There’s also the possibility that you’ll invest a lot of time in ‘being there for him’ only for him then to start feeling stronger and doing the off. This happened to me earlier this year. Wonderful new guy, too good to be true in fact. Dropped a bombshell on me shortly after we started going out officially. I stood by him (of course my own choice) only for him to then decide months down the line that he no longer needed me despite me likely being ‘the one’. Look after yourself and your own mental health, first and foremost!

Ellisandra has said what I was going to type. Listen to her, OP.

I'm so grateful for all these replies, really I am. I'm going to read through them all again now carefully.

The thing he's grieving is a loss, but more so a betrayal. He does not have romantic feelings for anyone else.
And prior to that something kind of awful happened to him. He's honestly not a fucker-arounder of women. He is a very kind and gentle person and I think some women might have fucked him around.

As to why he was on Tinder, I think it was plain old lonliness that caused him to go there. And it was just my (good/bad) luck that we found each other during that brief window.

He's not putting any pressure on me for sex or anything like that, its the opposite in fact. Which hurts too.

We had a talk last night, and again this morning and I think he understands that he shouldn't be in a relationship right now.
But being around each other makes us happy. And we find each other so interesting.

Still and all, I don't think its enough.

It's gonna kill me to throw this one back into the water but it looks like I will have to.

I think there is really no right or wrong in terms of when you get into a relationship, however I agree with the poster who said that it would be one thing to have met in real life and another to ACTIVELY be on Tinder and meet a woman that way, despite not being 'ready.'

If you do stay seeing him, pay attention to whether or not you feel drained. Keep boundaries in place. Make sure that you take lots of time for you.

Thank you Yelena

Thanks everyone. It’s so great to have this space to think things through with smart women giving objective insights

Just a little update for anyone that read my thread at end of October
Well sure enough he decided he didn’t really have anything ‘romantic’ to offer me and that he wasn’t in love or anywhere near it.
I knew I was falling for him, so I ended it.
It feels really, really shitty. But I know that for once I’ve done the right thing for me.
He keeps messaging me and so on but I’ve muted him on Twitter and kinda grey-rock the messages.
Don’t know why he sends them tbh but whatever 😕

It sounds like you may have avoided a particularly complicated man, OP - grief and loss aside.

Hi OP, hope you don’t mind me asking, but you aren’t in the Manchester area are you? Had a weird similar experience lately...

No, Fistful, nowhere near there

Had another message from him tonight, telling me about his weekend (nothing exciting) same last night
Don’t understand his behaviour.

Telling me about his work trip tomorrow etc..... (not bothered) It’s like he wants to keep my attention and friendship but brings nothing to the table, whilst knowing I more than like him.I’m just going to gradually bore him out of messaging me.