Dp seems to have become really selfish

[bogie]

In the last 6 months.
We have been together for 14 years, 3 kids, everyone who knows him is always going on about how lovely he is and how we’re so lucky to have him but recently he just seems so mean and selfish.
He has a new job and is away for weeks at a time, when he is home he just doesn’t seem like the guy he use to be. He’s not wanting to go out with the kids, won’t lift a finger in the house. Seems to be going over and above to be difficult.
I offered one of our friends a lift the other day (something we do often and they do for us) he moaned about he is sick of helping people?!
He was out with our eldest at his sisters and I asked him to nip to the shop on the way home he replied “no, I’ll come home and you can walk to the shop, because I have eaten so I don’t need anything”
He is like this 24/7 now and I have no idea why.
I suggested we go and visit the kids great grandparents (they are in their 90s and only live 5 mins drive away) “no I don’t want to”
I have bought a new bed, he is refusing to help me take it upstairs to assemble it!? To the point where I am going to have to pay someone to come and help me... whilst he just sits there.
I don’t know what to do.. I can’t carry on like this though.
I have tried to explain how I feel, he doesn’t seem bothered. I don’t know if he is depressed, or seeing someone else or what

*I’m sorry

Bloody auto correct!!

If you find it's not an affair do you think he could be depressed? I know I would find being away from home that much very difficult.

Could be OW or stress?

There’s lots of reasons why people become selfish. An affair doesn’t seem the obvious answer from what op said. If the behaviour change came with the new job it would be the travel tiring him out, stress at work, disrupted sleep patterns, feeling left out, all sorts of things. That’s not to say it’s okay to be unkind but maybe it’s a problem that can be fixed easier than if he’s cheating.

Good luck op

Sounds like the job to me and the disconnect between two lifestyles. He probably does miss you all massively when away then finds it hard to fit back in. Not an excuse for bad behaviour but a reason.
But who knows.
Speak to him.

The fact you've said he calls frequently and expresses he misses you all makes me think it might not be an OW.

Could be stress over the new job, depression triggered from being away from home or as a PP said he might be struggling to switch from being on his own back to being a family man.

I would have a frank discussion with him because either way his behaviour isn't acceptable and isn't fair to you.

When my exh started behaving like this it was his way of saying, I don’t want this any more ie family life/demands on me. We did split up. No ow and still not 5 years on!

I could have written this post three years ago.

DH working away, phoning lots saying he missed us blah blah, but when he was home was just a completely different man.

No interest in family life, unhelpful and argumentative. This was so out of character from the man he once was so I did some digging and sadly yes there was an OW.

Hoping this isn't the case for you but your story sounded scarily similar to my experience.

Maybe he’s realised he prefers the ‘non family life’ and is just too much of a coward to say that it’s not what he wants anymore , he maybe trying to make you tell him to sod off

My husband called me every day whilst working away and told me all about his day (walking home from work out of ear shot of OW) then went home to OW to carry on his double life.. sorry he's calling to check up on you imo because he's the guilty one I hope I'm wrong. Why say that then come home and be so uninterested - possibly looking for an argument to escalate so you chuck him out then he's free to do as he chooses. 🤔 I'm probably the worlds worst given my radar mind!

@bingirl yep.. on the same page 🙌

I have to agree with some of the posters here, I'm afraid that he may be having an affair and when he calls 3 times a day while at 'work' it is probably the guilt and saving you calling him when he may be with OW.

I hope I'm wrong though.

How long is he away for at a time? When my DH worked away when the kids were little, if he was gone longer than 3 weeks, it was HELL adjusting back to being a family of 4. He seemed to have completely forgotten what family life was like... I was so relieved when he stopped that traveling it was tough all round.

My first thought would be affair.
My second would be independence.
My third would be drugs.
My fourth would be depression.

Good luck OP x

He's calling you 3 times a day to stop you calling him when he's with ow. When he's home he's missing her/resenting you and turning into a tight shit.

^if he's with an ow I should add. Either way this is unacceptable behaviour.

It'll have to be cards on the table time! "Shape up or ship out, DP! You can't go on like this, making everybody miserable." It may be an OW, it may not, but his behaviour is unacceptable.

Been in exactly same position. There was another woman, not someone he was just shagging on his 4 nights a week away with work, but actually bloody well living with her

he other thing is he rings me at least 3 times a day when he’s away, saying he misses us all
he's feeding you scraps to keep you sweet.

Then he’s home and being a dick again
his actions prove his words are lies. he doesn't want you, he just wants to keep you as a backup because you enable his cushy life and wait on him hand and foot.

it could also be a manipulative tactic to force you to break up with him, so he's free to swan off with his secret OW whilst still being able to play the victim.

Can you suggest you and DCs come over to visit as he is so lonely. Also phone in the evenings 'as he is so lonely' just to see his reaction.
And have a weekend away on your own to remind him he is responsible for caring for his DCs, he seems to have checked out of that.

I’d be doiing some digging and be phoning him for various reasons each evening...

Cherchez la femme indeed

Don't be free to take an afternoon/early evening call and then call him later, say 9pm.... and at random times. Perhaps even Facetime.