Newish relationship and his XW

[truebeliever]

Not brave enough to post in AIBU but needing advice.

Been with BF for six months and we both have children from previous marriages.
Circumstances meant we had no choice but introduce each other to our DC a little earlier than I'd have liked but DC seem to like each other and get on. His DC get on well with me and ask to visit me and do things.

But.... his XW has thrown a fit saying she does not want his DC around me. No idea why, honestly. I've done nothing. She's said if the DC spend time with me, he's never seeing them again. But it's okay for her to parade every bloke she gets involved with in front of the DC. I'm the first girlfriend BF has had since they divorced and she's since had another baby.
They don't have a formal contact agreement in place and she's been known to withdraw contact if he doesn't give in her unreasonable demands in the past.

The stress is giving me migraines. Things aren't supposed to be this difficult in a new relationship.
Wwyd?

He needs to get proper access set up so she can't just decide to withdraw it. It's really awful when parents do this kind of thing to their kids who will already be finding it hard since their parents split, I would imagine

I had this with dh ex. She wanted to 'interview me' before I met her son. I actually decided to be the bigger person and sent her a lovely long message on fab about how I respected her views (I didn't really, I didn't need interviewing!) and I would just go along with whatever she wanted.....

Well....it worked, she was fine with me and I met dss about a week after. I even messaged her on the day I was due to meet him to double check she was fine with it.

Since then, I married dh. She's on maybe her 4th bf she's introduced dss to and dh isn't even made aware of it....so it's a case of one rule for her and a different one for us.

My advice would be to play nice. She probably doesn't have anything against you, she just doesn't like not knowing who her dcs are around. Frustrating though, I do feel for you.

BF should be dealing with this because he has a relationship with his ex and you don't. Although I sympathise, you should step back and let them sort it out between themselves. You should not be letting yourself have migraines about this because that won't bode well for you for the future.

Drained1 lovely how they want one rule for us and another for them, isn't it. I'd happily meet her if that's what she wanted.

Trinity thank you, I think proper access arrangements would be a good idea and will raise the idea with him.

Fluffier I probably didn't make it clear in my OP that I have no intention of getting involved beyond offering support and advice if and when BF asks for it. I'll also tell myself to stop getting migraines - it's that easy