Celibate from a man's point of view

[netman]

So I've been with my partner for more than 30 years, we're happily together, not married (not that this is relevant I guess) and we used to enjoy a great sex life. Nothing too crazy, just regular and great; you know the kind of thing, afternoons in bed, 'early nights' and so on; she enjoyed a long massage and we had a good time. Then she had a bit of a scare (cancer of the cervix) that thankfully was caught in time although she had to have a fairly big op. It was keyhole and so she recovered really quickly with no visible scars at all.

I realise that in the early days she was scared that sex might hurt (the op involved some surgery internally of course) and I've explained that I will be extra careful, taking it easy and one step at a time.

Anyway, since then (7 1/2 years ago) we've not been intimate apart from a regular 'last night on holiday' fumble - not full sex, we would just fondle each other which is nice but not the same (it feels a bit mechanical).

Any intimacy has always been led by me, never the other way around (since the op) and we never have any intimate times apart from this habitual last night on holiday.

What do I do? I've mentioned it, we've talked but she gets embarrassed and can't discuss it so we sort of ignore it.

Now I've found myself looking on hook up sites - I don't think I'd ever do anything, I'm too scared to lose everything so I think it's just a thrill, to be chatting to women who probably don't even exist in real life!

I guess this is an old story and you've heard it all before, but how can I persuade my partner to try and get back to where we were?

Thank you for reading my story.

I'd ask her if you could both go to see a relationship counsellor, maybe specifically a sex therapist. I can understand why you've looked at hook up sites, but if you love your partner and respect them...don't do it. It's betrayal. Invest in your relationship with your partner, but if it's not salvageable, then it is time to move on.

I've mentioned 'seeing someone' but she's not keen, laughs it off a bit (embarrassed I guess) :(

hhhmmm that's a tough one, I wouldn't be ok with being in a sexless relationship. I guess all you can do is tell her if she's not willing to try and work on it you may have to leave

Be honest, tell her exactly how it is making you feel. You need to show her the emotional damage that is being done to you and your relationship. Then, if she gets it, seek a commitment from her to work together to make positive changes, perhaps even seek professional advice.

Really tough for you and to be frank, I think it shows your loyalty and patience for understanding this situation for so long.

For some people sex is extremely important, the intimacy is what bonds a couple, for others it isn't as important, as long as there is mutual respect, affection and cuddles.

If you've gone as far as looking at hook up sites (no judgement here) then clearly you are now struggling with the lack of sex in your relationship.

You are not alone, just read these threads and there are several every day about the lack of sex/not wanting to have sex from both sides.

You HAVE to tell her how much it's affecting you and that you're very unhappy. That counselling would be the first step to her showing you that you matter to her. I imagine she IS aware that things are not right but because you've not made it a massive issue, she is able to bury her head in the sand.

Her most female parts have had cancer, not a "bit of a scare". Cancer. The investigations alone into cervical cancer are awful.

I think its quite telling that you mention in the early days you said you'd take it easy and be careful, when she probably wanted to hear no discussion at all of sex, however tender you'd be . When I had my 'scare' the most fucking terrifying lonely thing I'd ever been through my dp was horrified when one day, about 6m later I asked if the lack of sex was an issue for him. He asked what sort of man he'd be if it was when he knew I was still recovering mentally from it all.

Sorry to be blunt. 7.5 years is a long time to be in this position but your post is pretty self indulgent tbh. And as for the hook-up sites - urgh.

Not sure blaming the OP really helps at all tbh.

You're mistaken, I haven't blamed op anywhere.

I'm grateful and rather humbled by the comments here, thank you.

Some comments (ADastardlyThing) are 'blunt' and rightly so. I guess I was thinking of myself and perhaps that is the real problem here.

Thank you!

And (Hopoindown31) I wasn't really 'blaming' the op as such, it was a turning point I suppose.

It was a horrible time and I didn't mention sex at all 'in the early days', it's only been brought up in the last 3/4 years I suppose.

One thing to note - she was incredibly lucky in that she very nearly didn't go for her regular check up and thank goodness she did. I understand that the 'smear test' (horrible term to use in the first place) is not a pleasant procedure but I urge all women to go have it done as early detection makes a massive difference.

I personally think, if you have reached the end of your tether, you are right to tell her that the future of your relationship hinges on both of you getting relationship counselling. If she still says no, then for you should end it if it’s become a big enough deal.

You are the op

@sadies before being a dick you should have scrolled up and seen that he pasted an earlier question

ADastardlyThing

Calling someone self indulgent for something that may or may not have led to the 7.5 year lack of sexually intimacy from their partner sounds like blaming to me. If it quacks like a duck...

You've massively misread. And misunderstood what self indulgent means.

Please, people; I just wanted some advice and thoughts, don't all fall out with each other!

You can't persuade your partner. TBH, I think it all stems from minimising what happened to her 'a scare', 'no visible scars', 'I'll be careful' and it may have done irreparable damage to your sex life. You can approach the subject again but it may be time to walk away.

Would your wife be ok with maybe blowjobs or helping you sort yourself out once a week or so. I have to be honest for many reasons during menopause (and I am just at end of it I think) I went totally off PIV sex or even oral (to me) . However I can mentally be ok with non PIV things and I actually quite enjoy them, so in my case I quite like doing stuff for him but not the reverse, a bit nuts I know but that’s because just me. Has this subject cropped up, ‘would you do xxxx for me ’ Etc?? If ‘anything’ is a no no, and you don’t feel you can carry on as it is, you have a decision to make and it needs discussing honestly

This is a very very difficult situation to resolve in my opinion. Maybe your DW isn’t bothered about sex any more.

In my experience if you’ve ever put any pressure on her about this (no matter when, whether intentionally or not) the damage is done. She went through an awful time which is not your fault at all. You sound like you’ve been really supportive.

The problem you now have is that she presumably knows the lack of intimacy is upsetting you. This in turn will make her feel pressured. I expect any discussion about the hook up sites (not blaming you at all) will feel to her like an ultimatum even though it’s not. If she has sex with you feeling in any way pressured into it, to alleviate guilt etc that will make it worse still.

Gestures like romantic nights out, nights away, will also feel like pressure and lead to all these same damaging feelings.

I’ve been in this situation myself feeling pressured (by someone not as sensitive or patient at you). The damage was irreparable. Although when the problem started I still loved him, I could not bear sex with him because of how he behaved if I refused. Every time I relented was another nail in the coffin. I dreaded bedtime every single night.

I don’t know what the answer is. I’m rambling. She might need more time and patience and only you know if you can live with that. I fear that suggesting counselling may also be interpreted as ‘pressure’. I’m sorry I have no answer. In my experience this problem could be terminal to a relationship. You might have to make a tough decision

Confusion here over OP meaning Original Poster and op meaning operation I think.

ADastardlyThing is probably wrong in her criticism of you OP. You've done little wrong by the sound of it. Her issues with sex are on her. You need to talk to her, really talk, even though she's so shy and anxious about the issue (and always has been). Perhaps see a counsellor together. Separation is a serious option at this point.

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds tough for the pair of you.

Could it be possible that she is suffering PTSD from the cancer and the subsequent surgery and this is a result?