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Original poster

Accepting its over

17 replies

Stripeyzigzag · 30/10/2018 11:28

Nearly a year down the line but I have had a baby in the meantime
He’s moved out and moved on to much younger new woman (unclear if there was any overlap)
Still frequent contact due to kids (SEN so cannot go NC)

It feels like a bereavement and I have to accept that it is over. There is not a chance of reconciliation, he has told me.

I never thought life would come to this. 25 years a very long time and two beautiful DC, he has thrown away.

Some good advice I have been given is put self in driving seat, do what I want and focus on the kids
That helps
But accepting he has gone and it’s over for good? It is hard to absorb. Like a bereavement but the person is still around. I can’t go NC due to kids. Gentle replies please I am fragile.

Maybe typing it out will help. I don’t want this. It’s over.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/10/2018 11:35

I'm sorry OP Flowers unfortunately it is like a bereavement and it's how long is a piece of string to how long you grieve. The best thing you can do is look after yourself, do the things that give you pleasure. Get a haircut maybe if possible to give you a boost and just wait it out.

In the meantime keep to a strict schedule with your ex re the kids. Hand them over at the door so he doesn't have to come in and don't take any crap just because you want him back. He needs to know the shop is closed and he can't just do what he wants. Keep chats to kids only type of thing.

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 30/10/2018 11:42

Thanks gamer
Time will help, I know you are right.

Last paragraph not poss due to SEN (door handover)
If I am cold/gray rock he tries to break it down. Succeeds.
Maybe I need to be gray rock again.
Agree re not taking any crap (he’s difficult so easier said than done) & your last two sentences.

Thanks. Has helped me.

OP posts:
Miggeldy · 30/10/2018 11:52

Yes its over.
Sorry, but I think he may have been seeing her before he left you.
Men rarely bail unless they have a woman to go to.
I hope you feel better soon.

Be business-like with him and don't entertain any horseshit from him.
I hope you've pushed for all your financial entitlements.

I think the other women got the booby prize.
He's a a loser.
He'll know he's alive once she's pregnant and he has two families to pay for.

Never take him back. Like I said, he's a loser.

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 30/10/2018 11:55

Thanks M
I think, as I’m still in baby fog, I have to just assume it started after he left, naïve maybe but that’s all I can handle right now though I agree they don’t go unless there is someone else usually. I’m just fragile right now.

Just hard to accept it is over.
I think it’s just going to take time.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/10/2018 12:10

See him breaking you down is just him playing headgames with you. He obviously likes you pining after him. Pp is right, this lady he's with had got the booby prize and freed you.

Is there nobody who could be around when handover happens? I'm assuming he's not seeing them at your house?

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 30/10/2018 12:17

No one else to do handover, friends did for a bit but can’t keep that up for months, paid help did too but gets expensive/not always available

I know, should be out of the home, I have pushed for this but he pushes back (valid reason due to circumstances of child) though I know this is the next thing to work on (please be gentle)

Agree re pining. Agree re headgames but what does that mean really?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/10/2018 12:27

It means he enjoys the attention, he doesn't care that he's being cruel. He wants you to sit and wait on the back burner in case his relationship doesn't work out and he can come back with little resistance. Nothing that says he still loves you, just making sure you don't move on. Another man in your life will upset his applecart.

If contact us at yours, can you go out? Or go for a long bath with a book? Anything that means you don't have to be around him?

That is something that needs to be worked on though. My ex recently showed his face and I do contact at a SN group we attend on a weekend. He's not getting in my house n

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 30/10/2018 13:21

Thanks gamer
You’ve helped me shift perspective, really grateful, feel a bit better

OP posts:
Holdingonbarely · 30/10/2018 18:08

He’s being very manipulative towards you. He wants you to miss him and still love him. And that’s cruel, because it stops you moving on.
It will just take time for you to work our he is not a very nice person to you. Only then will you start grieving. Right now you’re just putting it on hold

crappyday2018 · 30/10/2018 18:18

So sorry you're going through this OP. My 16 year relationship ended and, even though it was my choice, I went through the grieving process. Its a horrible feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It will pass, but you know that. Doesn't help you now though I'm afraid.
As for whether he was seeing her before he left, doesn't matter now and don't even think about that. The fact is he's gone and with someone else.
All I can really suggest is to take small steps such as taking one day at a time. Read as many self-help books as you can. Watch some motivational TED talks - there's one on Youtube called 'How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch' its really good.
Seek some counselling too if this is an option for you - I found it very helpful.

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 31/10/2018 08:56

Thanks feel a bit better today, can see he isn’t a nice person to me

Agree he is keeping me on backburner. Nothing in words tho. But yes wants me to miss him and still love him.
If this is obvious to others from a few words from me on here... I mean it is my sense of things as well and so you have confirmed that. Is this a thing? What’s this about? Still please be gentle.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 31/10/2018 09:03

It's a huge ego thing - and basically shows how selfish he is, he's not considering anyone else's feelings as important (you or OW). It's all me me me

This about the pick me dance from ChumpLady explains it : https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 31/10/2018 10:21

Yes. It is extremely selfish. I had wondered what OW thinks about him being away from her to be with us so much. It’s many months for them. Anyway won’t dwell, that way madness lies.
Only he knows what is in his head & ditto her for her head/what she minds

Yes he has drawn me into a weird version of the pick me dance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 31/10/2018 10:35

Glad I have realised what’s going on
Snapped out of it
Thanks for all support, going to step away from thinking about it.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 31/10/2018 10:49

Can you email him and ask for some distance. Ask him not to talk to you at handover and email questions?
Is your child almost school age. It will be easier if he could collect from school

Original poster
Stripeyzigzag · 01/11/2018 18:02

Very clear it is over between us, he will have other relationships. I just have to accept it.
It’s like a bereavement, the stage where you just cannot believe the news and wish you could bring the person back. So hard.

OP posts:
WeeWheels72 · 02/11/2018 07:25

Im the same, I thought I was doing well, now this week a year later, its hit me hard. Ive just asked for a break in contact, but my kids are old enough with phones, so he can contact them. I hate myself for loving him, but I look forward toto the day that stops.

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