Should I end my marriage?

[MoodyMagda]

Been with DH 11 years, married for 2. No children. My dilemma is that, for as long as we've been together, he's been really unreliable re money and finances. He talks a lot but there's not much substance to the things he says he wants to do. He hates applying for jobs, wanted to do a phd but then couldn't be bothered, and recently failed his pgce. He's bad with money too and often overspends and doesn't really save.

I've put many of my own dreams on hold because of him and recently he created another financial mess, which has caused a lot of stress. I promised myself I'd leave if there were any more problems, and so I did. I ended it two weeks ago and moved into my own place... but I am really torn as to whether it was the right decision or not.

I've listed his flaws but he is a genuinely amazing guy despite these problems and I'm really struggling as to whether I've made the right choice or not. I don't know if I'm being too harsh on him? I worry that I will struggle to find another guy that will treat me as well as he has... but then again I also think I deserve to be with someone who can manage their money responsibly.

My head is a bit of a mess so any thoughts are welcome re whether it's worth it to see if he can change and we can work things out? Or if I should focus on being single and, when the time is right, start dating again.

If he was genuinely amazing you would have no list of flaws op.

Give it some time and see how you feel.
I imagine you have done the right thing, it will be difficult to live with someone like that.

Hi OP, I think that if someone is bad with money in that way then they will not change. If, like me, that sort of behaviour/attitude causes you a lot of stress then you need to be with someone who can be responsible and organised financially (even if that's just yourself, who you can always rely on!) Anything else will leave you feeling insecure.

Obviously you have to lose all the good things with the bad, but if it has got to the point where you have already left then you have taken the hardest step already. Getting back together, even if he promises to change, will not improve that. He might get better for a bit but when he lapses it will bring you back to square one and he could end up blaming you for his failure as he will feel that he's let you down.

But that's even assuming he has said he wants to or can change? Have you discussed your reasons? Can he even understand or acknowledge them? If not then getting back together is a moot point, surely?

No this is who he is and you've spent 11 years with him already. He was never your fixer upper project to self improve nor yours to rescue and or save from his own self. Do not waste any more of your time here on such a person. Am not at all surprised you moved out two weeks ago. You and he should not be together.

How is he a genuinely amazing guy here and how has he treated you well?. You are talking about your H; this all reads like a kidult of a man who has drifted through life and in all likelihood expects a woman to finance and otherwise look after him.

Depends what you want from life. You could date without financially committing. Live separately. If you want more than this I’m afraid it may not work out for you

I would certainly say in this situation you can be friends if he would want that too and even date if you wanted to do so, fundamentally though if he is irresponsible and you simply are not it will create issues if married or living together

He's not a good partner to you and it seems like you made the right choice

He is not amazing, he doesn't care about your financial security, he has put you through unimaginable worry because he refuses to act like an adult, probably knows you will bail him out as well.

You did the right thing, do you really want to grow old worrying about paying bills cos he's not giving a fuck.

What's his reaction been to you carrying out the threat to go? Has it 'pulled him up'?

I certainly wouldn't say you should rush back.

Have you had any kind of marriage guidance or have you ploughed on sorting out the mess?

Please don't think you won't find anyone else. When you are ready you will if you 'put yourself' out there. I know it's hard but try not mix up fear of being alone with whether this relation is for you.

It reminds me of the saying 'love is not enough.'
As unromantic as it sounds, money is important.

TBH I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. On the one hand, marriage vows say in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, and I do believe in loving someone through the ups and downs HOWEVER you have already said you've put your dreams/own life on hold, and there comes a point where a relationship is either growing or stagnating, and it sounds as though he is stagnating whilst you want to grow.

You've taken a step. Have a think.

Thank you all so much for your wise words. I really appreciate it.

Leaving has been so hard but your input has really helped me see that I made the right decision. Thank you.

You've got this girl!