Upset, confused and don’t know if there’s a chance.

[Darch87]

I’ve been with my current partner just over two half years. Before I met him I had suffered many miscarriages, which led to the breakdown of my long term relationship, I was depressed, sucidal and I’ll. When we met, he told me he had 3 young children. I was wary of this and my friends said I was making a huge mistake, which cost me friendships. But I took the chance and since day one everything has been great.

We have separate houses, but we stay at mine every night. The children’s bedrooms are here, clothes, toys, you name it it’s here. My home resembles a family home. We have the children every weekend, which has just changed from every other. we do the usually family day outs, walks, swimming, football, homework etc. all of which I’m a huge part. I collect them from school, and generally treat them as they are my own.

We both work full time, and we have a business we run together. We never argue about serious things, there is always the odd bicker of who’s turn it is to do the bins etc. but nothing so serious.

Yesterday my partner turned round to me and said he isn’t romantically in love with me anymore, and that he’s been trying for months, but can’t do it anymore. Although he still loves me, and cares for me.

This has shocked me, and upset me. We was just about to move home, to where the area he was from. My family unit is being taken away from me, just like that. I don’t know what to do? He says he may just need a break, but then he doesn’t know. I’ve had to take time off work, as I can’t deal with the questions right now, I feel ill. I hate being at home, because everywhere there’s something to remind me of him.

Sorry for the long winded post, I just needed somewhere to speak, as mentioned at the start most of my friendships have been compromised because of the decision I took.

Do you think it’s worth fighting for?

No.

Definitely don’t fight. It sounds like he is being honest. Maybe the move pushed him into making a decision.

No.

It also sounds like he has met someone else.

I think your friends saw something in him you couldn't see. He's basically used you for the two years hasn't he? Now he's ready to move on. I'm sorry op, must be v painful but yes, let it go. Try and reconnect with your friends. They won't be surprised.

No, he needs to move out all his stuff asap and you need to move on. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has someone else lined up, sorry OP.

Sorry op but no, time to move on. You need to be firm and tell him to get your house cleaned out now, you don't need to live with all his children's toys. It will be hard and you will hurt for a while but you will get over him

Thank you for the replies.

It’s the last two months which I’ve seen a difference in the romance. But in this time his gran has passed away who brought him up, his BFriend commited suicide and his relationship with his ex has become strained and she moved the children away. Which has now meant we don’t get weekends together as they are so far away we can only see them at weekend, and not the week nights like we use to.

I don’t think their is someone else, as I’ve asked and he says not and I do believe him.

I think the relationship with my friends can’t be rebuilt. As too much has been said and happened since then.

:’(

I'd personally be aloof, if he's got any want for you he'll
Come running

Which has now meant we don’t get weekends together as they are so far away we can only see them at weekend, and not the week nights like we use to.

Is it a coincidence that once he doesn’t need as much childcare he has changed his mind about you?

Why were all the kids things at your house and not his when you don’t even live together?

Sadly this is one of the perils of throwing yourself into a new relationship with kids and raising other people’s children like they’re your own, without any security at all like being married to their father or even living together. You’ve basically been used as a babysitter, and I suspect your desire to have children blinded you to what was happening all along as it felt so good to play stepmum.

Don’t fight for this, there’s nothing there. Move on. And next time you meet a man, if he has kids keep your distance for a long while, don’t jump into stepmother mode in a relationship that’s relatively new with no real commitment. It hurts too much when it goes wrong, as you’re discovering now. I’m really sorry. But this isn’t an unexpected outcome.

Don't beg or plead.
Just tell him to get his stuff and get out.
Stop doing anything for the DC as of now.
They are HIS responsibility and not yours.
He won't understand the loss of you if you keep doing things for him.
Tell him, no to just taking a break. He is keeping you dangling in case the OW isn't what he wants and expects (i.e. a convenient nanny / housekeeper)
He's massively used you.
Don't let it continue.

We have the children more now, than what we used to. We use to have alternate weekends and one evening per week. Now it’s every weekend Friday - Monday. So I don’t know if this contributed to his feelings. As we work all week, never see each other. Then at the weekend we have the children, there is no “us” time anymore.

We do live together, but at my house. We retained his house, as there was no point of selling as the mortgage was small, and with house prices we was advised by a financial advisor to keep it until we was moving.

I don’t feel used. As he’s never relied on me to be a nanny or baby sitter. He never goes out with his mates, and leaves me with the children. He takes them to football, but we do all these things together as a family.

We also did wait 6months before we allowed the children to stay over. Prior to that the relationship was just us, with a few days out with the children so they could get to know me slowly.

So is he going back to his own home?

No don’t fight, if he wants to be with you he will ...

Tell him he has to leave and move back to his own house and take all his stuff, and the children’s things and cut all contact with him. He needs to feel the cold hard truth of his decision and he won’t do that if he gets the best of both worlds and still lives with you. Do not move either.

He’s going to stay back at his own house, for some time apart. He will have to take all the furniture though, as he will need beds etc and we sold all his stuff last year, when we was looking at selling the house.
The house we was moving too has been bought. 😪

He can take the stuff for the kids but don’t let him clear you out. Remember this is his decision so if he’s got no sofa or bed for himself the tough. It’s not your place to make it easier for him

No this is not worth wasting anymore of your life over. He’s utterly used you as an emotional crutch to get over the split with his ex. Get back in touch with your friends and apologise and say you really need them right now. Right now, you’ve got nothing to lose. I absolutely feel for you and he is a total wanker. He’s got you attached to those kids when he knows how desperate you’ve been for a family. He is disgusting. Stop wanting him. He’s not good enough. Never ever dump friends again for a man. Never. Have you had any investigations into why you miscarry? Why don’t you throw your energy now into finding out more about that. Go to an ivf clinic and ask them to investigate for you. You obviously love having a family and you know you don’t need a man for that right? You could have your own child that no man can then ever take away from you

How is the new house being bought is any of your money involved.

If it is then you need to withdraw it and put a stop to the move until he can fund it himself

So who will be moving to the new place if it’s in his area? What’s happening to your home?

I think OP here is one confused man , I don’t necessarily think he has anyone else lined up either. I think his losses going through his head have probably contributed to a lot of negative thinking and he is now probably thinking he needs some mental space to process all this. . I suspect too you might be quite ‘full on’ relationship wise because you so much want happy families. I would let him get on with it on his own and stay in touch as friends if he wishes to do so. It may all come out in the wash a few months down the line. I may of course be totally wrong and OW us already lined up, but I would be suprised if that was the case, I think a bit of time and space may give you the answers here

With my friends it was more like they dumped me. One in particular, who then influenced the others. I don’t think there is any going back there, as things where said that I could never forgive.
I’ve had 7 miscarriages with my ex, all late in the first trimester. It was investigated privately and by the nhs who all said the chance of my own where very slim. As I’ve really low egg count, the eggs are damaged, and other issues which would mean I could never go full term. Hence why I’d given up on the hope of my own, long before entering this relationship.
My house was being put up for rent, as extra income. The new house is mortgage free, and the cash has already parted. We where living here until we had finished renovating the new place.
The furniture is all mainly his, and I wouldn’t want the kids in a home with no things. They have that at their mums, who in my eyes doesn’t deserve them. I think that’s one of the things that hurts the most, here at least they had a loving home, bedrooms, help with their homework and stability. Plus they wernt caged animals, which is how them seem to be treated elsewhere. They’ve been having difficulties at school recently, (reception age) but we’ve helped them through, and their behavior has calmed. Before it’s said, we where planning on seeking full custody once we have moved, as we didn’t see it right doing it now and moving them to yet another area / school in such a short space of time. The car is the other issue, I half own this, but it’s the family car. My partner only has a van for work purposes.

It just all seems a mess, seems too much to walk away from suddenly without further consideration and one last attempt. I’m 30 and I’ve been in relationships that I miss treated, abused, and felt utter rubbish. But this has been different, up until now.

Sounds like awful timing on his part. And complicated now you have bought a new place .

Livingloving thanks.. I know the timing couldn’t be any worse. Wondering if the trouble with his ex, kids playing up, house, plus the stress of two business is what’s took it’s toll.

So I left my partner to it, gave him space didn’t call or text anything. He stayed at his place on Tuesday night, giving him the space he said he needed. On Wednesday morning he messaged me, asking if we should pick the children up from school and take them trick or treating.

They had been asking all weekend if we could take them, we said no as it’s not our night. And then there is the long drive to and from their school. But they where so upset, we also knew their mum wouldn’t take them or do anything Halloween related, as she never had in the past.

So ok Wednesday he text, and we agreed to take them. They where so happy, and it was such a great night for us all.

Is this him just doing the best by the children? Or is this just giving us a chance?

It is you being a mug. If he wants to go, then he needs to go and do the parenting himself.

I suspect he is thinking he cann have his cake and eat it. Single life during the week ( possibly with another woman) and round to you at the weekend for happy family time . Plus the bonus of all kids' stuff messing up your place. And if he does fancy a free weekend , you are available for childcare.

Do we all need to repeat ourselves until you listen?