First argument

[sadsadsady]

I've ever had with my Mum. I'm in my 40s.

It wasn't even really an argument, I just have had enough and told her for the first time that all she ever does is criticise me and tell me I'm doing things wrong (this time and recently largely to do with how I'm bringing up ds.)

It all came out. How she never says anything nice about me or ds, how I'm scared to talk to her and haven't seen her in two years because the constant criticism makes me feel so sad and bad about myself.

She totally gaslighted me. At first was very sneery and laughy saying I was wrong. Then when I brought up how she criticises my appearance and weight she said if it's something I can do something about then of course she should tell me.

She said she didn't think we should have this conversation anymore and hung up.

I didn't shout, I wasn't rude, I didn't say anything mean. I just snapped.

I'm shaking and feel sick. I can't stop crying. It was a few hours ago now.

I'm meant to be going back to see her in a few weeks and it's all ruined. I've no doubt she's going to try to spin it to the rest of my family that I kicked off for no reason and I'm mean or crazy.

It's been a long time coming. But I should have had a face to face, calm chat. Not blurted it out crying on the phone.

I feel so so down and heartbroken. I don't think she likes me at all. She never criticises my brothers in this way. She always says how her Mother did this with her. And her Mother with her. I don't see how she can't see what she's doing, she says such spiteful things and is always negative.

I'm a mess. I'm just lying in bed crying my eyes out. Ds and Dh are home soon, I need to pull myself together.

Ps as your lovely dad and your narc mum arent together i would alk but cut her out.
Dont announce you're cutting her out but never visit. Send the odd text. Wait 72 hours to reply.

Read the book recommended upthread.

My childhood was more emotional neglect than abuse but my mother does/did control me with her outrage and indignation. I read a book by jonice webb. Really helped me.

You have the right to look after yourself ×

Dont snap out of it.
Dont suppress it.
Remember how shit she makes you feel.
Allow that feeling.
Identify its origins.
As i said upthread, good advice i had after a horrible row with my mother, was to sit with the discomfort.

You only get the strength to restrain yourself from racing to fix the discomfort if you "sit with it".
All the other times u raced to please her, apilogise, accept her reality, back down, give in, give up.

This time, no, sit with that extreme discomfort and think about it. It will fade eventually. That horrible sick feeling will go and this time finally it will go, and not because you have backed down, but because you have experienced the excrutiating awkwardness and just experienced it and let it pass.
Decide never to go through it again, no more.

Google grey rock.

I've tried the grey rock.

The not seeing her is made more difficult by her living with some of my family, working and being around the others a lot.

I haven't seen them in 2 years also and they're desperate to see ds.

I guess I just go to see them and weather the 'you've upset your poor mother' storm. Ugh.

It's just such bad timing, we've booked to go back in a few weeks.

How are you this morning, OP?


You dont HAVE to do anything.
Send breezy texts " sorry, catchup next time".
The relatives are going to think what they think and the catalyst is that u learn to endure that. Not change circumstances around you to minimise others' displeasure in you.

My uncle hates me.. other relatives think im spoilt ungrateful dramatic overly sensitive. So. Be. It.

I 'sat with' their low opinion of me and just accepted it.

@primoestate Thank you for asking. I've had a bad couple of days but went out with friends last night and had a good chat about it all and it's lifted me out of my funk a bit.

@JungDisciple yes they all already think I'm 'over sensitive'.

Still not heard from her. I'm disappointed, sad and a bit angry. Better than being just sad.

Im going through new 'discomfort' now. My mother let herself in to my house earlier and when i expressed surprise she was indignant. I asked her "am i not allowed a boundary?" and she said she was sick of the way she was treated. So basically in her eyes, im not allowed a boundary! Or, subvonsciously she thinks that because she has helped me with kids she has earned the right to erode a natural boundary. But actually i dont think she understands boundaries at all.

I will just ignore her martyred performance earlier. The old me would have been the one holding out the olive branch. I dont hold out olive branches any more because all our rows are the same. She violates a boundary or does the opposite of what i asked her to do and then she gets angry with me when i call her out on it!
I am an olive branch free zone right now.

OP... you deserve credit for finally standing up to your nasty spiteful venomous Mother... she has no friends because she is twisted and bitter... and only has You to take her spite out on now... who seriously wants to be around someone like that...

Interestingly she's happy to give out criticism but can't take it... her response to your standing up for yourself speaks volumes.. she has retreated into her own selfish world where she will be ripping up your character to anyone who will listen... be very aware that she will be playing the Victim in her own version of events... you will be cast as the nasty selfish daughter...

do not waste your energy worrying about her or her reaction... she will be fine... likely reveling in fact.. in the drama....

I agree with everyone on here.... do NOT contact her.. don't give her the satisfaction of crawling back to her cruel snipes....

I agree with PPs.
Don’t get in touch.
To this kind of person, that will be an admission of guilt. She will think she was right and will re write history.

How are you today OP

Are you still going to go back to see her op?

oh yes I forgot about the pre-planned trip... difficult right enough

Thank you all so much for your replies. They're helping me to stay strong and not apologise.

I've been down about it all, so sad she's not contacted me.

We're meant to go back in a month now. Fuck. But I can see other family. My Dad and Grandma are quite ill so I have to see them.

I'm finding it hard to be too bothered today as I've come down with the flu and just want to crawl in to a hole and die, it's taking my mind off it all for sure.

Aaww bless you OP.. you need to look after yourself .. make soups and stay warm.. just remember how you've been treated all these years... and given time... this too will pass

But actually i dont think she understands boundaries at all.

@Jung - yup. You have it. No narc understands boundaries. They get the concept but they are so fucking entitled that they truly believe they don't apply to them. MatriNarc once, unbelievably, started questioning me about exactly what I get up to in bed (I'm a Dom). When I told her politely that this was an inappropriate question and what I did in the bedroom was mine and my partners business and she really had no right to ask, she flipped and yelled 'Oh course it's my business! I demand to know!'.

That is so inappropriate it's hard to know where to begin. That your own mother wants you to graphically describe sex acts. Oh and I was 40 at the time with two children of my own. Once I refused and get on refusing, her fury was ignited even more and she started calling me 'evil', 'depraved' and a 'slut'. What's more, I could hear F and B in the background chiming in. I have no idea to this day how I didn't lose my temper. I just knew that it was really important that I didn't.

You see, if I had given an emotional response, this would have been her Narc supply. Or fuel/energy.

Thing is; she really believed it was her business. Putting up or enforcing a boundary is the equivalent of criticising them; it deeply wounds. Depending on the narc's own makeup they could respond with fury or possibly slink back and do the old PA BS to anyone who will listen. Those are the ones that aren't self aware.

A self-aware one would respond differently.

I received a large amount of money for ds's birthday in a couple of weeks the other day from her.

Then yesterday she rang me and apologised! I'm still in shock!

Wow - well that's a step in the right direction from her.
Be wary.
She will 'hoover' you back in.
Make sure you have your boundaries in place and don't let her overstep them again.

@sadsadsady . I feel your pain. My mum has done this to me also my whole life and then when you speak up for yourself we are the bad ones. I recently had a post stating something similar also. We don't want to actually say our mums are necessarily bad to us or really horrible, but they cannot think it's ok to treat us like that just cause they're our "mother". It definitely affects your own self esteem, I know anxiety became a bit of a problem for me and also I found myself taking my negative thoughts out on my own partner. It's so hard to understand why someone would want to bring us down that suppose to build us up. I love my mother but over the years she has said a lot of hurtful things that I certainly won't forget but on the other hand she has also done alot of really lovely things for me.
It's a tough one.