Erections

[Donostiera]

Or not! I'm trying to post on this subject and have got in a tech gremlin loop. I'm hoping I can cheat the system with a short post and then what I actually want to ask about in the comments...

My husband is 55, I'm 38. We have a very loving relationship, with the usual niggles now and then. We've been together for 15 years, married for 11.5 and always had a good sex life; we have one daughter, aged 7. Sometimes when we've been tired or stressed tired etc sex would go down to once a week but very rarely less and often more. We are doing up our house, a huge project and my husband does a lot of it himself, plus has a fairly demanding job and a tedious commute that gets him down. The DIY gets on top of him sometimes too and I think he sometimes wishes we'd never got into this renovation thing, not least because before we moved he had an easy commute. Over the past year or so he's had mildly depressive episodes but he always keeps going, just seems a bit 'low' for a while. We both drink most days but not excessively (e.g a glass of wine with dinner, more at weekends/special occasions). He struggles with sleep sometimes. A year or so ago he had some funny feelings and decided he might have a blood pressure problem, went to one of those Well Man type checkups and was told he was in good health. His circulation is poor at times - white fingers when cold. Almost all our food is cooked from scratch and lots of veggies. This random collection of facts is leading up to the fact that pretty much out of the blue, for the last two months he's hardly been able to have sex - not getting an erection or losing it very quickly. He's very affectionate. I genuinely don't think he's getting any kicks elsewhere. I trust him very strongly. I don't think I've suddenly become any more undesirable than previously (except insofar as he's developed a lack of desire!). He's very apologetic but a typical reticent male of a certain age - I don't want to force him to talk about it as it's obviously such a blow to self esteem without having to go over every detail. So really I'm after ideas as to how to help, gently, kindly. One trouble is that - no doubt in reaction to it not being available - I really really want sex. But I feel bad (and embarrassed / insecure, I guess) about swarming all over him trying to get a reaction, so am trying not to do too much of it, whilst also trying to make him feel loved. I know it could partly be age, occupational hazard of marrying an older man, but it seems so sudden. And don't want yet (ever!) to resign myself to being on the sexual scrapheap while still in my 30s. Yesterday we tried and his erection dwindled and I couldn't help crying, which made us both feel terrible. Help? (Really hard to discuss this in RL as it seems like giving away something he'd rather not publicise)

Can you reduce the stress in your life ? Maybe hire a builder, move nearer his work. He may not want to discuss it but I’d urge him to go back to the doctor.

Step one, take away the expectation of sex and try just enjoying one another without it having to lead ‘there’. If reducing stress doesn’t work op, encourage your other half to visit his gp.

Lots of things can cause ED including low testosterone (which also causes poor bone health); heart disease etc etc

Point is though that often the gp can help. It may take a while and a few endocrinologist appointments, but medication like cialis can really help, by increasing blow flow to the penis and by then improving your partners self esteem.

It may be hormonal, in which case treatments are available. Either way, neither of you have to live a life consigned to the sexual scrap heap.

My first thought was stress too.

He has anstrssful job, a long commute and has a major renovation on the go, plus a 7 year old at aged 55. I’m 52 and would feel very stressed having all that going on. Could have coped with it in my early 40s, but wouldn’t want to now.

Has he had his blood pressure checked ? High bp can cause ed .Likewise any medication for it.

At his age its far more likely to be a physical problem such as high blood pressure or cardiovascular issue than something psychological or not finding you attractive. Not an expert but did some training on this the other week. I see he already had a check up but worth going to the GP.

He needs to see his GP.

Thanks everyone for the replies. This morning I was lying awake before the alarm trying to work out the words to encourage him to go to the GP. Got up and made some tea, let the cat in, came back to bed and ... we had sex, initiated by him. Brief but satisfying (except to the cat, which was outraged). So now inclined to persevere for now on the path of no pressure encouragement and stress reduction rather than assuming it’s medical. He is so determined to do everything himself with the house, out of pride not because we can’t afford at least some efforts otherwise. It is a dream project that probably came along a bit too late in life but to walk away would be heartbreaking (plus practical considerations of daughter’s school etc). He is trying to work from home more - which is a big concession as far as his rather old fashioned attitudes go, and I think the actual stress has reduced a fair bit as a result but I guess the physiological effects might take a while to catch up. Or it’s not stress at all but health and I still ought to persuade a GP visit. I just don’t know - but thank you all for helping and listening. Are there side effects with medication like Viagra? Does one have to take it then decide to shag - sounds rather unsay spontaneous . I have no idea how it would feel in practice...

Are there side effects with medication like Viagra? Does one have to take it then decide to shag - sounds rather unsay spontaneous . I have no idea how it would feel in practice...

Viagra is safe if you follow the directions, although your husband should get a checkup before first using it. You have to take it a half an hour, or an hour, before you anticipate having sex I think. That may seem unsexy, but I expect you would get used to it and its sexier than the alternative.

True!

I am nearly 62 years old and have been using Viagra, and to a lesser extent Cialis, for about 15 years. My partner is 51 years of age and has a high sex drive.

The use of chemicals to provide/strengthen erections can interfere with the spontaneity, but as others have said it is much better than the sexless alternative. For me, the biggest bugbear is that Viagra needs to be taken on an empty stomach for it to work. That means that if an evening meal is eaten at 6:30, then I can forget it to all intents and purposes. Cialis is less of a problem with food. A certain degree of planning/booking is required, but it isn't a big deal when compared with the benefits.

There are side effects that I experience with Viagra: I get a rather unpleasant headache, but a couple of Paracetamol swallowed with the drug gets around that. The orgasms I experience are especially good when using Viagra; that is a side effect that isn't talked about much!

Speak to your GP and take the plunge, if you are a suitable candidate for Viagra/Cialis - best wishes.

Than you very much, that's really helpful!

Unfortunately men in their 50s do find this sort of thing harder than most men in their 30s. I've had personal experience of it.