I really need advise.. .

[luch123]

Please someone take the time to read this and maybe help with advise!

So me and my fiance have been together almost 3 years and we have a beautiful 1 year old. We are in a happy loving affectionate relationship, and he cannot do enough for me, he is the most loving kind person you could wish to meet!

He has another son a 9 year old from a previous relationship, whom lives in Devon ( we live in the west midlands ) so a good 200 miles away.

So anyway, every month my partner will drive down to Devon see his eldest for the weekend, and stay with his best friend and his best friends partner along with his son. Baring in mind his best friend is his ex partners brother ( really hope this makes sense) so obviously I have gone into this relationship knowing about his other son and how far he has to travel etc. every month. But not once, i mean not once have myself and my baby son been invited down to stay with them..

Apparently - the ex says that it should just be purely time for her son and my partner to bond. ( which i completely understand) but I feel like it is a completely separate part of my partners life that I have no involvement in.

Anyway, he went down to see his son this weekend just gone, and they all went to a halloween party both Friday and Saturday night, and his ex partner was there both nights at these parties.. and my partner messaged me saying that they were actually getting on.. straight away I am thinking, so I am at home with our baby boy every month for 4 days straight and you are there mingling with your ex..

He then proceeds to tell me that when he dropped his son back round at hers before coming home, that she made him a sandwhich and they spoke for a bit.

LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL F*

I didnt get mad or angry at him, because I trust him with my life but I really cannot get my head around any of it.

He goes down to devon once a month , for 4 days at a time, to see his son, (which is great and lovely ) but also does lots of fun things, family things with all of his family, and now I find out the ex is involed, and I never get invited down with my baby to stay .

SORRY FOR THE RANT

What would you do ?

1. It is a GOOD thing that your partner and ex get on and can be amicable. It makes it far better for their joint child.

2. If you're seriously upset that she made him a sandwich and spoke for a bit to the extent that you think "like what the actual fuck" you are being over dramatic and sound about 18 or at least very immature.

3. I would talk - not rant - to your partner saying that you feel slightly left out but that now you have been together three years and have a one-year old together, it is time for you to occasionally go down there as a family so that the two children, who are half-siblings, can start to bond also.

If he's not happy about that, then I think I'd be reconsidering the relationship. But to be so OTT over his ex making him a sandwich is fucking ridiculous.

So his ds has no relationship with your baby?
He needs to rent an air B&B, every other visit imo so you can all have some time together.

What shanters said

Do you get invited to Devon on other occasions or are his family not inclined to get to know you and your LO?
I do think your fiancé should encourage his family to get to know you and even more so, his youngest child. Also for his elder DS to build a relationship with his baby sibling.
TBH your fiancé sounds a bit naive. It is great for him, his DS and his ex to get on so well but this should be going hand in hand with including you and your LO.

Do you have any connection to Devon? Presumably you knew the situation when you got involved. Do you really want to drag a 1 yo on a long trip or do you feel insecure that he sees ex and would prefer to be there. Do you have him to stay in school holidays? Maybe suggest you all have a proper holiday nearer so you can host host his ds and all get to know each other better.

Shanters - I appreciate your response.

1. I just find it very difficult to understand that they now for one weekend get on, after all he has spoken about her is how evil and poisonous she is and how he has never ever been able to have a proper conversation about their son with her. So when she randomly starts being nicey nicey with him and offers him food at her house , I find that In my head hard to digest. especially when I am 200 miles away and they are at a party together and he also comes home with her lighter in his pocket.

2. I actually thought before posting , where on earth am I going to get to let some steam off and not get judged for it , I am a 28 year old mum with a partner and a boy, If I cant say "what the actual fuck" on here without saying I sound 18 and immature then where on earth can I let rip ? I refuse to get into a row with him or shout and scream about it to him. So Please don't call me fucking ridiculous when I thought this was a place of support.

3. I have had this conversation with him on many occasions about how I feel left out and how I find it difficult and how I feel it is a part of his life I have no involvement in. He empathises with me says that he cant do anything about it because his sons side of the family just wont let me stay down there,

We have both mentioned staying in a hotel / b& b but he says that it costs money and we cant afford it.

I guess I just wanted to have some advice and to have a rant on here about it all.

Crunched - No I never get invited down there . Yes agreed that he is completely naive in the situation . urgh I don't know I just don't know what to think or do or say about it all, thank you for your comments and advice x

This just isn’t a tenable arrangement and it is not in the children’s interests. They should meet and be allowed to develop a bond. You will need to be there for the baby so that too needs to be facilitated.

My advice is that if your are going to be married then the son must be invited to the wedding. Before then he needs to meet you and the baby. There are options here. You go along for a weekend visit; the son comes to stay with you, maybe some time over the Christmas holidays would be a good time ; or your fiancé sorts out legal access without his Ex’s family dictating the terms. She is not going to be able to prevent it. She can rant and rave but she’s had it all her own way for too long or so it seems. He could get his friend to path the way with the ex and make he see this isn’t going to go on.

You need to stand up for your child here. Be assertive and not aggressive. Don’t muddy the waters with sandwich grievances. Just be clear the children need a relationship and at the moment your fiancé and his ex are preventing it. They can’t keep doing that.

But you will need a red line here. Are you able to stand you ground and maybe walk away if he keeps this up.

Hey i understand where your coming from as it is a horrible thing to let your partner go & spend time with a ex, i wouldnt like it & my husband for sure wouldnt like me doing it but he is doing it for his son so its just part of when 2 families come together but also u do need to be apart of his sons life too & the 2 boys need to bond too since they are half brothers.i think u should talk to your partner about going next time or when he thinks it will happen x

Maybe his son doesnt want to see you or the baby. That would be his right.

Could his son come and stay with you for a weekend and get to know his baby brother?

Your child is 1 and you’ve been together for less than 3 years so you really didn’t wait very long before starting a family, did you?

And you didn’t exactly choose dad of the year. Only 200 miles away, and he only manages to see his son once a month. Shoddy.

I agree that the time he has (because it is so limited) should be spent 1:1 on his first child, not trying to fit in a one year old.

But it would be good for the older boy to meet his brother, if he is happy too. Why doesn’t he do this during school holidays? Keep the weekends for his older child, and step up and have his child during the holidays for longer periods with his brother.

As to the sandwich and lighter. My XH is an arsehole, but I am slightly more hospitable towards him as the years go on, because despite the shit, you can become indifferent to them.

Only you know if you should be trusting him (and you don’t, despite what you say, or you wouldn’t have thrown in the lighter comment). But that’s separate to the fact he only bothers to see his son once a month, and that that precious time shouldn’t be changed by you hanging around too.

I believe in making an effort to blend families, but it needs to be genuine. If he can only be bothered to go once a month, he hasn’t even sorted out that part of “family” so no, he shouldn’t be trying to add more in. His older son needs his father more than he needs a stepbrother.

“His dons family won’t let me stay there”

That’s when I’d be saying, ‘what the actual fuck!’

What a load of bollocks. Sorry, OP. There is nothing stopping him from taking you and your child down there with him. Nobody can stop you from going! His previous child and your baby are family - fact. His ex cannot stop him from introducing you all. The only reason why it hasn’t happened yet is because he’s chosen for it not to happen

I’m not saying leave the bastard. But I would be giving him an ultimatum. Either involve you in his life and family (which means his other son) or he’ll be spending another weekend each month visiting the child he has with you.

I read through this and the one thing that jumped out was that he tells you his sons family will not allow you to go to Devon.

I am sorry but this sounds really suspect. Are you telling yourself his actual best friend has said that his partner and baby are not welcome? And he remains friends with this man? Does that seem very likely? Have you ever actually met this ‘best friend?’

I am wondering if they know about you at all? I really think some of this is to make your DP’s life a whole lot easier. He’s moved far away from one child and then chooses to spend weekends away from his other child keeping them completely separate.

As for the sandwich don’t get hung up on this. That isn’t the issue

But he’s staying with his ex’s brother.

Now, usually I’d say despite that, her family should get over themselves.

But first I’d just want to be sure there was no affair here - because that would explain why they don’t want him bringing you. I don’t even mean an affair with you - if he treated his ex badly and was the cause of a split that she didn’t want, I can see why they’d push you out to be protective of her.

I’ll admit my senses tingle when men claim their exes of poisonous and evil. I’m not saying women can’t be. I’d just say maybe 1/10 is, and 9/10 are slandered, you know?

OP, why does he say they won’t let you come down? And how come he says you can’t afford Airbnb? Where’s your say in what’s affordable to your family finances? Why didn’t you take your summer holiday down there, for example?

Yes I get the best friend has a conflict of interest as an uncle, it is just unwholly odd that a ‘best friend’ would lay down the law like that and DP is afraid to challenge it? Even if OP didn’t go out with the other son, went sightseeing and DP took the kids out once every few months... does no one want to meet this new baby? DO DP’s family live there too? Has anyone ever met you?

Your partner getting on with his ex is the least concerning part about this whole situation IMO. It's far more worrying that you have had a baby with someone when you have no relationship with his child and there are two siblings who also have no contact. Your partner should have established proper contact in his home, but it sounds like he enjoys his weekends away, seeing his mates and his son and keeping you completely separate.

I agree that you’re over reacting re the sandwich and chat, but you should be concerned about him never letting you join him when he goes to Devon. I wouldn’t be happy with that at all.

If you were in a new relationship I would not see the problem and would tell you to let him bond with his son.

However, you are in an established relationship and your child is the step sibling of your partner's son. I would expect my partner to begin to integrate me and my child into 'the family'.

I would invite your partner's son to stay with you once a fortnight/month and would encourage your other half to talk both children out for family time. I would also encourage your partner to spend one-on-one time with his elder son, perhaps with a cinema trip or a day at the farm.

One thing I would add is that your partner sounds like a great dad and I would not want that to stop. He also sounds open and honest with you, which is something you don't want to lose by getting upset with him and sounding jealous.

Perhaps say something like "Wouldn't it be lovely if (son 1 name) came and stayed with us, so I could get to meet him and he could spend some time with (child 2 name). Perhaps you could mention that to (ex's name)? It would lovely for the siblings to get to know one another. Or if you like, perhaps we could all go down to Devon one month and arrange a fun day out? "

DBML what’s the bit that makes him sound like a great dad?

• the bit where he lives 200 miles from his oldest son?
• the bit where he only bothers to see that son once a month?
• the bit where in over a year he hasn’t sorted out regular contact between his two sons?

Is it possible he’s kept you secret but hasn’t told you? Easy to do if you live 200 miles away.
Nothing wrong with the sandwich offering. Just 2 parents being civil for their child’s sake.

True. I forgot about the whole once a month thing and focused on the one-to-one time with his DS.

My ds has a dc with his ex. In the begining things were very acriminonous at pick up. So now when they can chat he is so pleased as makes life easier all round especially for his dc. So l wouldn't worry about that bit. He was honest and this ex will always be in his life because of ds so good relations are a bonus. But l know from ds he will never forget those bad days and there is no danger of any relationship starting up. But in the interests of his dc being civil means everything to him.
Its not clear if you have ever met his ds. If not thats not good. At 9 he should be well able to come and stay in the holidays. It was strange to have a new baby without getting a regular set up with your dp, you and ds first and then introduce baby to situation.
From my own ds l could see how he is so relieved to have a regular situation with ex that he doesn't want to rock the boat especially if it was very bad at first but its time to move this on. Don't get into his chatting to ex as thats good. Staying with friend is awkward so ye need to find a way to get ds up to ye even if this means going to court before he gets much older. He cannot split his life like this now. Getting over a bad split takes time but there are two dc involved who need to get to know each other. Chat this through..not in an accusing way but in a way thats moving things forward.
Also l hope you know dps family and are getting integrated in there with your new baby.

OP I agree it's unreasonable to exclude you. You have a child together, you're not the mistress. The children should meet and have regular contact. His son is soon to be your stepson and you haven't met?
Why can't his son come and stay with you sometimes?
I wouldn't get married until this is sorted out.

Have you ever even met his son?

There's lots of ways round this, like looking for an Airbnb. Next year in the summer, you can go camping - it's Devon. Lovely. His ds might like weekends camping with you all. I'd start talking about these things and see how your dp reacts.

Look for a cheap Airbnb now and suggest it for the next visit. Push him on it.