End of marriage looming

[Smum77]

My step daughter was back to school today and as soon as she was gone and I had the house to myself I broke into tears. Over the weekend my husband verbally abused me when he was drunk. This is not the first time this has happened but it doesn’t happen on a very regular basis. The trouble is, saying sorry after just isn’t easing the pain it’s caused me. I am a SAHM who gave up a well paid job to take care of his daughter and the house. I have recently began a small business tutoring kids which I adore. I have my own savings and a proprty that I rent out for income. I phoned the Samaritans this morning desperately needing to share with someone as I have no close friends. I have an exam in only a few weeks time as well. My mum is aware of my relationship problems but I don’t like burdening her with it. My husband is a narcissist. He says things like ‘there’s nobody as good as me’ about his work and feels the same way about other people generally. I know the time is ticking on our relationship as the only advice I have got so far is to ask him to attend counselling (I already know he won’t) or to ask him to stop drinking (again I can’t see him doing this. There has not been a single weekend since I have known him that he hasn’t ‘needed’ a drink). I just feel so down about having to give up on this marriage and rebuild a life for myself.

@Smum77 I'm out & about now but will post you links to helpful threads later.

It's your dh that's throwing away relationship not you

Thanks mammy. I really appreciate it x

I just feel so down about having to give up on this marriage and rebuild a life for myself
Why though?
He's making you feel like shit.
You are totally unhappy.
He's abusive
He's a narc
He's an alcoholic
Carving out a new life sounds like a really positive thing to do.
If you can turn your thought process around this could be such a freeing and wonderful thing for you to do for yourself and your DC.
He's making you feel so low that you are developing mental health issues.
Do this for all the right and good reasons and free yourself of this abusive prick.
Some counselling on your own might be a good thing to do.
Definitely give Womens Aid and have a chat with them.
You got this!!!

What age is your stepdaughter? Does her mum feature in her life?

I left my emotionally abusive, heavy drinking husband, even though I loved him so much and when he wasn't behaving badly was my best friend. It hurt like hell, it took me 18 months to finally get over it but I knew I had to leave or I would go down with him.

I threw myself in to my career, travelled the world, had amazing experiences ad met amazing people. I have never regretted leaving....well, every now and again but for a few seconds ...I have just not fallen in love again since but I am still positive!

So I hope that gives you a little reassurance that although leaving IS hard, maybe one of the hardest things you will ever do, it will lift a huge weight off your shoulders. No more dreading his key in the door, no more having that sinking feeling when he pours his first drink, no more abuse.

I was divorced before I met my husband so I already know how hard it would be to end this but part of me says that these incidents don’t happen that often and apart from them and the narc stuff I have a calm easy life. Unfortunately it’s completely dependant on my husband earning though. If I left him I would have to give up tutoring most of the kids I have taken on as I would have to move and get a full time job too. I know it would give me my self esteem back after a while but the most scared part is that without him I literally have no close friends.

She is 16. Her mum isn’t involved her life at all.

Smum77 sorry to say this but you haven't got a friend in him. Living with a narc is soul destroying, the constant need to be right, the neediness and demands on your time, the insult and making you feel like shit. This is not the way a partner should behave. I have personal experience and believe me life without my narc ex is better than I could have imagined. The freedom to chose what I want to do and when I want to do it and doing just that is amazing after 27 years of controlling emotionally abusive behaviour.

You are married and gave up a decent job to raise his daughter you will be entitled to a share of whatever marital assets have been accrued during your marriage. Worth speaking to a solicitor specialising in divorce to see what your position would be. You may even get more than 50/50 if your earnings going forward and less than his due to the sacrifices you made in your career to support his.