Does anyone have a DM they love but who is bloody hard work?

[longestlurkerever]

I've never felt connection with the toxic parent threads because I've always felt secure in my mum's love and know she adores my DC too. She's generous with her time and money and always makes it clear how proud she is of us all. BUT she's been a functioning alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I've never been able to include her in things as much as I'd like because she gets embarrassingly drunk. She has an unsuitable partner who is bordering on abusive and makes her drinking worse and now her health is suffering. She had a bad fall that required an operation to sort out andr recovery has been a bit up and down for reasons I think may be to do with long term alcohol abuse but even the shock of all this doesn't seem to have had any real impact, though she said it would. I'm dreading Christmas. I don't really know what I want from this thread. I just wondered if I am alone?

You do not have to see either of them at Christmas if you do not want to do so. Its your choice. You seem very loyal to her even in the face of evidence that this loyalty is undeserved. After all her primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or your children.

Have you ever sought help and support for your own self as an adult child of an alcoholic?. I ask only as doing this if you have not already could help you a lot going forward.

You may also want to look at this website:-
www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk/

Thank you. I sort of know this, but she's not an abusive drink or anything. Her main crimes are repeating herself, slurring her words and getting emotional/weepy. But it is embarrassing and puts strain on other relationships. My DH makes the same comments about loyalty. The children do adore her though, genuinely, but obviously we have to police things, especially contact with her partner. I haven't sought help, no. I guess I feel I'm past that stage. My df died when I was 25 and things have been worse since then, but I was an adult.

There is one of those meetings near me though. I dunno, I feel like everyone there would have tales of neglect etc and my life has not been like that.

Do consider going to one of their meetings, you won't be seen as odd and you will meet other people there. You need to talk and to get this all further out in the open.

It may well be that you have always guessed about what normal is and what you experienced from childhood was neglect and not at all normal. I would also keep her and her partner well away from your children; your children need positive role models rather than they.

Do read this too:-

www.verywellmind.com/common-traits-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics-66557

You are the hildof an alcoholic and you have the classic characteristic of caretaking through guilt and fear.
My DH does the same thing with his DM who died very young.
Benign neglect is still neglect.
You are still carrying her and for that a line you will find u understanding from others who have had your experience.
Go and see what you hear and then make a decision

Thank you. I will mull it over but I don't really identify with many of the things from that link apart from my DH would say I try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and would do anything to avoid conflict. I'm not sure i would agree. But maybe you're right about getting things more in the open.

Some of what was on that list does indeed apply to you (the whole carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders along with doing anything to avoid conflict). Please consider going to one of their meetings particularly as there is one near you. What have you got to lose?.

Hi
Im 9 weeks pregnant with baby 3.

Im struggling with constant nausia...emotions and anxiety.

My Mum is amazing but shes quite a negative person. Her attitude towards me and my life is having a huge effect on my mental state and im not sure how to deal with it.

xx

Well as I say, DH says I would do that. I disagree. I am in a job that involves a lot of conflict and I don't mind it, and I'm always getting into debates on here and sometimes irl. I do try to avoid difficult conversations with my mum, even when it puts a lot of strain on our marriage, i think that's what he means. Maybe I'll go. Honestly I'm unsure about it though. I don't know if I want to sit in a room feeling like a victim. I've actually lived a pretty charmed life overall. But I am starting to grieve the relationship with my DM that I could have had. And I do worry that her health situation could start to get pretty grim.

Thanks for posting Zoe. Do you want to explain a bit more?

I did the quiz linked through from what you posted and it said "maybe mildly affected" which I guess is about right.