How do you remember the bad times?

[falaff]

Hi everyone,
I've just broken up with someone for various reasons. It was my choice. We had a 'nice' breakup and there were lots of tears, what ifs, doubts etc. I miss him terribly. He is going to work on his issues.

I am really struggling not to get back together. All I can think if is what I've lost. There were clearly bad times or I wouldn't have left. But these sink into the background and already I am minimising how bad things were and how they made me feel.

How do you keep these in the forefront to stop from just doing the easy thing and getting back together?

Literally write them down every time one pops into your head.

Our brains do this to us "Euphoric recall" something. It's annoying but probably a necessary mechanism.

My girlfriend gave a list to her sister and best friend when she left her ex, and phoned them when she needed to hear the reasons (which tried to hide from her memory, same as your's :) )

Get out, do things for yourself and let your confidence build. I went through this with my ex. It was an awful marriage. Dv. In the early days I considered going back as i was scared of the changes and thought a bad relationship was better than none. I also stupidly thought the temporary split would have changed him. I also thought it would be better for the dc. I'm so glad I didn't go back though. I am now so happily married and realised my exh will never change and now see him for who he really is. Stay strong!!!! You really are worth more.

I think if it's an acrimonious breakup you tend only to recall the bad times. The more powerful the emotions, the more powerful the memories...and hate is very very strong.

Start dreaming about the future. Think about what you're looking for, what you're working towards, and see how much better that looks than what you've had before. Don't compare your present to the past, compare everything to what you want from your future.

Thanks everyone. That's a really good point about comparing the present with the past. I feel in a much worse position now and the past was pretty good - we did a lot of great things together. But perhaps the future can be even better than that. It's just so hard, my head is screaming at me to give him another chance and to go back to my "happy" state.

I too wrote down everything that made my last relationship a bad one for me. He didn't want us to split up, but wouldn't change anything so I had to break up for my own self esteem.
I took to dwelling on the good times, but when something popped into my mind of something he'd said or done which had hurt and upset me I wrote it down. Quite a list now! I read it when tempted to get back in contact.

It's just so hard, my head is screaming at me to give him another chance and to go back to my "happy" state.

Regardless of whether or not you used to be happy, you were not happy enough.

But you will be

Keep moving forwards!!