Is she just being nice ?

[Andrew19661]

My girlfriend of 8 years is going though the menopause and has recently (last 6 months) finished a course of tablets for depression. She isn't right, i have tried to help her she pushes me away so i left, i now live close but have been away for 2 months now. We meet up 3 times - they have been lovely, I dont force the issue, but she says that she loves me - but she has so much going on in her head she feels numb. She has always been a very kind person, over the last year a lot more selfish, not just towards me, but her family - so i think there is more going on other than just us in her head. She definitely would not cheat - that is not the issue - just dont know if she is being kind to me by keeping in contact, or genuinely wants me in her life. HELP

Depression is an awful thing and people who suffer with it often can't help being selfish and pushing people away. Perhaps you should just be straight with her, ask her if she actually wants you to be around. Do you want to keep in contact?

yes i do want to firstly help my friend though tough times and secondly, I would love to hope somewhere down the line she will be the girl she was a year ago - is that too much to ask for ?

Yes, it is too much to ask her to be "the girl she used to be" when she's going through such a significant life change. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I know you care about her, but for some women the menopause is a hellish experience and they will never go back to being the same person afterwards. I don't know if the depression has been triggered by the menopause or if she already had the issue, but at the moment she is probably trying to look after herself and doesn't have the headspace to consider other people. It's a selfish illness, and I speak as someone who's experienced it.

Someone who is suffering from depression might find it very difficult to get themselves out of the house and socialise, so by actually doing that for you, she already seems to be demonstrating that she wants to be in touch with you. I think all you can do is try to understand that this is not really about you and be supportive of what she's going through. If you feel that you need to know where you stand and whether there's any chance that your relationship might continue, then you might need to decide whether still continuing to see her while there is uncertainty is something you can handle.

I think as well that the 'change' is also a psychological change too. I was made redundant and I found myself taking stock of my life, daughter going to uni, everything changed. Looked at marriage and realised I had been waiting for things to mature, develop and get better but issues had been brushed under the carpet. Life has a way of creeping up on you.

So all this came together. And it was depressing. When I got married DH was checking out teenagers. At 55 he still is and I thought he would grow out of it. We had taboo subjects and we still do. Everything got on top of me and he dismissed it all as the menopause.

No, I was taking stock. My life is a series of disappointments and I need to reevaluate everything. Yes, my head was a mess.
He even said he wished he could turn the clock back to the way things used to be. No. That will never happen. I need to find ways to move forward.

My advise is be open and communicate as honestly as you can.

Both or you have given me good advice thank you - You are right it is about her and not me, I have to keep reminding myself that - i just sometimes feel very insecure because of her lack of commitment sometimes.

I am 51, and the thought of a teenage girlfriend would fill me with dread ! i would be picking their clothes up and listening to loud music ! - My woman is the only one for me - i just hope she one day feels the same about me again