Should I just say nothing to DD;s absent father

[lolaflores]

He left when she was 2.
No reason given, but as they years have passed, I have pieced together enough info to conclude there was an OW. She herself has more or less confirmed that for us in a sideways kind of way.
Anyway, DD1 is 25 now and has seen DF a handful of times. Most of those visits (bar twice when he came here) we have paid.
But she loves him nonetheless despite his crappy abilities and I understand that. I have never ran him down in front of her, bad mouthed him. HIs family have been pretty bad too. No contact from them but since FB she has caught up with her cousins.
They live in Europe. DD never really learned the language but can manage.
Last week, her cousin got married.
No invitation for DD1. Her father went.
He then, by some twisted logic, got annoyed that she hadn't been there, though didn't ask anyone why she hadn't been invited, then sent her pics of the occassion.
I want to ring him up and have a frank conversation just to let him know she is devastated. Heart broken.
He has done it so many times and I have bitten my tongue but this just seems so cruel. Heartless.
DD1 says she isn't bothered but I am not buying that. She wouldn't have told me unless it hurt her terribly.
Naturally she asked not to say anything to him but I have had enough of his spinelessness that she keeps suffering for.
say nothing or have a discussion.
I don't want a slanging match, I just want him to actually process what she goes through.
Then last night, she texted and asked if she had been a planned baby or an accident....she was planned. And then I suppose it all got a bit much for him and he fucked off.
Some wisdom and clarity would be much appreciated.

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter at this stage is just to be really honest with her about the situation and events around her conception/your relationship with her father ending.
I grew up with an absent father and it caused me a lot of confusion when I tried to make sense of his actions without knowing the details. If your DD is wondering whether she was planned or not she’s probably trying to work out a narrative that explains her fathers behaviour.

tomatosalt she knows she was planned but it would he decided for himself that a family, parenthood wasn't working for him.
Interestingly, he hasn't had any further children
He went AWOL several times before and after she was born. In the years since he has left, friends have told me some interesting stories about his behaviour when he was out and about.
Some suspicions I had were confirmed as well.
He wanted to be the centre of the universe and didn't handle the change in conditions like an adult, more like a spoiled brat so took off. It was his MO
For 9 years we didn't even know where he was and his family weren't clear either.

She's 25. It's no longer your place to solve her problems for her.

Encourage her to find her own voice with her father, to speak her own truth.

Perhaps the truth is I have never forgiven him. It's my anger that I want to express as I never have.

I get it, I really do, but I would leave it. It's not your battle to fight and would only make things worse. It wouldn't change anything, and it wouldn't make him suddenly think "oh yeah I guess I was in the wrong"... Support your daughter and try and stick to that

Well thats understandable. Rant away if it helps!

My own dc went through this and still do they are desperately angry and disappointed in their absent father. I get the tears and the anger and i too am angry on their behalf.
They have find it difficult to stand up to absent father as young adults now as they are wary of him disappearing yet again. He lives abroad but dc have never been to his home or have any means of contact other than social media.

I'd love to voice my disgust of his treatment of them but deep down I know it won't make a difference as he simply does not have same bond with dc that bond that means you hurt when they do and you are always on guard to protect them.
And he certainly wouldn't care about my opinion on his behaviour.

Yes to all of the. The futility of trying to speak to some e who's Compass is only focused on himself.

Last week, her cousin got married.
No invitation for DD1. Her father went.
He then, by some twisted logic, got annoyed that she hadn't been there, though didn't ask anyone why she hadn't been invited, then sent her pics of the occassion.

I don't understand this bit - is he annoyed with her for not going, even though she wasn't invited, or is he annoyed that she wasn't invited? Is she upset because he is annoyed with her (for no reason) or because she wasn't invited?

He appeared annoyed that she hadn't been invited although he was there and in a position to ask the person who organised it why she hadn't been invited.
He didn't seem to understand how odd all that sounded. And a week has passed since the wedding. So he has been indignant for a few days.
Always was a spineless twat.
I wonder did he sit through this wedding and not ask anyone why his daughter. His only child wasn't there?
Beggars belief.

Rant away here. As you say, telling him what a bastard he is will do no good. He can't see it, he is the eternal innocent victim in a world full of saboteurs of his happiness.

Continue being your DD's soft place to land. Listen, and when she says something that is true about him, encourage her gently to explore that truth. She'll get there and will be all the stronger for realizing things on her own.

It goes in waves. Time passes and I feel as if it has all settled down but then he just pops up again. Being a twat and it reignited a new source of anger.
My DH is very good and let's me give out but I feel jerked around. We do nothing to disturb his life yet he wreaks havoc and ibresent that power. He is never positi e