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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Our sexlife is a real flop!

5 replies

gemgem1216 · 29/10/2018 10:21

Me and my partner have been together for 3 years now. In the beginning (like with all new relationships) and for the first 12 months we had an amazing sex life. I began to gradually notice over a period of time that we stopped doing it so often and if I tried to initiate there would be excuses like he was too tired etc. After a while I was the only one initiating any kind of intimacy and it made me feel unwanted, ugly and unloved. I tried everything you can imagine from sexy lingerie, setting the mood with a romantic dinner, role day...everything! I felt that we lost any sort of connection and that he didn't love me. In January I decided to check his phone as I suspected that he was having an affair and instead what I discovered completely knocked me for 10. He had been looking at gay porn and a lot of it. I confronted him and he told me that he was desperately trying to understand why his sex drive had disappeared and he was trying to see if he was gay. He told me he felt nothing and it did nothing for him. Following this though, I have suffered depression and anxiety about our relationship and I don't 100% believe him..it just doesn't seem like a logical thing to do. We discovered that we were expecting a baby in April of this year, but we ended up losing baby at 6 weeks and I think that was partly down to the stress and upset that I was experiencing due to our relationship issues. I made him go to the Doctors to get checked and his testosterone levels were fine and he does have an underactive thyroid which I know causes sex drive issues, but he has had this condition for many years and it did not affect us in the first 12 months. We have even tried Viagra but this makes us both anxious and takes away any spontaneity in having sex. He told me last week that he never thinks about sex, doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't have any desire anymore. I am at a complete loss of what to do...I love him but I can't do anymore than I can. I feel that this will not change and I can't be in a relationship with no intimacy. He is also not very loving or tactile, so I do feel completely unloved and disconnected from him. He never wants to talk about it and gets very defensive...don't know what to do? Any suggestions please? xxxx

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/10/2018 10:25

I think you do know what to do, you just lack the courage to do it.

You can either accept this as your lot or you can leave him and find someone who does want a full relationship.

It may be that he is gay and doesn't want to admit it or your just aren't compatible.

gamerchick · 29/10/2018 10:25

*you're

yetmorecrap · 29/10/2018 10:42

Gay porn did nothing for him, So he had to watch a lot of it —- just to check! I think you get the score OP

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 29/10/2018 10:48

He's gay. Wether he wants to admit it or not ( sounds like not ) - but that's not the best situation for you really - break it to him gently that it's time to read evaluate your situation and maybe consider parting, as you aren't compatible anymore .
Then find yourself a loving partner who appreciates and loves you just as much as you do them.

toherdoor · 29/10/2018 11:02

He's gay op.

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