This is going to be a long post, sorry.
I don’t really know where to begin. My DH and I have been together 12 years and married for 4, he has always been a very emotionally distant person (rarely wanted sex, but watched a lot of porn even from the beginning of our relationship), and because of this distance we always had our ups and downs. He has also done some awful things like going on a bender the day our first child was born and not returning for 2 days (I ended up with ptsd after this as I was alone in a room after a traumatic ecs for that time). It wasn’t all been bad though, until we got married.
As soon as we married he changed, I didn’t know as the time but 8 weeks after our wedding he kissed my bridesmaid at a party I was at. He also became a cocaine addict for 2 years which I found out about after a long period of him acting strange (I thought he was drinking heavily) and I looked at his phone to find hundreds of explicit messages to other women on a dating (sex) website. He did a lot of really shocking things at this time which culminated in him throwing us out of the house and him saying he never loved me (which he later tearfully said the doesn’t know why he says these things).
He was diagnosed with depression, took ads but came off them as they made him feel odd. We worked on things, moved to a new city and things were improving, he came off drugs (with a few NA meetings and willpower). Then the heavy drinking started. Drinking for days on end, in the mornings after, being found by the side of the road by strangers and being carried home - plus much more. He told me again that he is not in love with me. Ran away to a hotel (I think) for a few days then came back a few days after saying he does love me and doesn’t know why he says these things.
We bought a house and his drinking continued, he had a 4 day bender where I had to go to my mums with the children after this he swore to lay off the booze. He went to the dr, started taking St. John’s wort and passionflower and things were good for 5/6 weeks (more affection but still no real sexual contact). Still off the booze, Two weeks ago his mood started slipping back. He had been taking a body building supplement that affects serotonin so I got him to stop all that which he was annoyed about and since then has withdrawn completely. We were still chatting and being friendly, but he wouldn’t touch or kiss me. Then Saturday night I spoke to him about it and he said it again “I’m not in love with you”. He was stone cold sober still. I said I give you a week to decide if you want to work on this marriage or leave.
My predicament is this:
Is his depression causing him to feel numb to passionate love? Or should I accept that he has genuinely fallen out of love for me and that it’s the end? The reason I am worried is because I do not want to break up my family because my husband is depressed. Last month was so nice, I actually felt bliss and contentment and could see a lot of hope in our future.
I should add I think he has been living with depression for at least 20 years. He was a self saboteur before I met him. He went to counselling briefly in the last few months, but had a good day and said he felt good and they signed him off immediately. I don’t know what he spoke about with the counsellor.