Is it me or him? I'm going mad.

[Sezcchick]

Hi there. I've never posted here but I'd really love some help and honest feedback. I've been suffering badly with mental health since around 20 weeks, I'm now 23 weeks. Tonight me and husband had a huge row which resulted in things getting too physical. Not hitting but pushing. I blew up in a big way. I have a husband who never acknowledges any wrongdoing and then tries to turn the tables on me. He was out last night and promised to be home earlier. He ended up on the last train. He told me he'd done some cocaine which I despise. He did everything I knew he would do and he promised he wouldn't. He's such a nice guy but he really can't control himself when he's around friends and I knew it was going to happen. I'd asked him to come home earlier as I've just been feeling so down recently. Finding it hard to get my friends to meet up and feeling just really really lonely. I just wanted him to put me first and make the effort to come back around 9pm instead of an all day and night binge. I asked him not to do the cocaine as we have a baby on the way and he actually has an operation next week. I just want him to be healthy and look after himself for us. He didn't anyway. We spent a night messaging each other back and forth with him just telling me that he was sorry he coudn't help the situation. This happened a lot before we got pregnant so o kind of knew what was coming. I just thought it might be different now. Today we didn't talk. Then this evening I just blew up over dinner. He started saying I just had a fear of missing out implying that it was just jealousy. It just hit a chord and I cracked. He didn't seem remotely bothered. I threw the TV remote on the floor and stood up screaming at him. 'I am pregnant! Can you not just put me first!' - he did the usual 'you are nuts' and walked into the kitchen. I just saw red. I followed him and he was trying to get around me to get away but I just kept pushing and shoving him to stay in the kitchen whilst I was screaming and crying. I was insane. He was screaming back and spitting with anger and grabbing my wrists back. I just felt so so so upset and fed up. He was calling me a psycho etc. He was so angry. He walked out. I've come to bed shaking. He's left the house and now come back and locked himself in the spare room. Am I in the wrong? I'm just so so fed up. I feel guilty but I just feel so fed up. Mentally I just feel unstable. Xx

You two shouldn't be anywhere near each other. Ever. Get out and seek therapy.

You are both in the wrong and you both need to grow up. Sounds like you are both wanting a kind of last binge of hedonism before becoming parents, and this is coming out as jealousy, rebelliousness and the like. Someone else is involved now, and you need to start pulling together.

Sounds like a mutually abusive relationship. You are pregnant and though you may not realise it you are already parents. You must stop this. I don’t agree that you need to pull together. I think you need to separate. Why did you think things would be different? When a man shows you who he is believe him the first time. Set high standards for how you and your child should be treated. Anyone who doesn’t meet those, walk away. You only get one life. Are you really going to spend it like this? Do the Freedom Programme online. You need to recognise abusive behaviour.

You can't attack someone because you are angry. That's abusive. You both need therapy. A lot of it.

Walk away from him. Violence aside, he is clearly a selfish drugged up wanker and you don't want that around your child.

You need to look after yourself and your baby. Your baby only has you to look after him and what you described is very unhealthy.
The arguing is irrelevant at this point as you shouldn't be with someone who is doing cocaine and not a reliable partner.
If you are feeling unstable you should look for support for yourself, because you need to be well, not for the relationship.

It sounds like he isn't very supportive regardless. I think you need to think about the future of you and your child.

Did you post this twice?

This happened a lot before we got pregnant so o kind of knew what was coming. I just thought it might be different now.

Here's the thing

People CAN change but most often they don't change and almost never permanently

And they almost never ever change permanently for someone else

You can decide not to be around his anger and he can decide to not be around your anger. The child will have no ability to decide to not to be around either of you. That’s the real problem.

A child will not always do what you ask and will not always do the right thing. Are you going to get angry with the child? Is he going to get angry with the child, if the child throws a tantrum, like mummy does.

The priority is that you both deal with your respective issues to ensure you are safe parents for your child. Your relationship doesn’t work and it is not what you should be working on. The safety and well-being of the child is the only thing that matters now.

Separate, get some help with your anger and resilience. Tell him to do the same and to stop taking drugs.

Thanks everyone. I'm still unsure about what is happening right now. I've got really bad prenatal depression and all this is just getting on top of me.

You both sound abusive. You both need to grow up and not be together otherwise your DC will witness both of your outbursts.

You need to be apart, he presses your buttons, you react violently then he reacts violently, for your health and the baby's go back to your mum if possible; get away from him, he's a selfish idiot who won't put you first, he's showing you that already and you are pregnant.

The whole relationship sounds shit.

I think some apart maybe a gd idea, is. Violence and arguments normal for you? I have a partner who can't control himself when he goes out drinking, but that is choice he is making not to control himself he will repeat this for the rest of your relationship. The violence you sought out is not healthy and is abusive, whether this is normal or hormones it isn't good, maybe you should seek some therapy to help you release your anger in a healthy controlled way. Hope ur feeling ok take care of your lil blessing. X