How do I help my boyfriend?

[harveythehorse]

I need some help please. My darling partner is suffering with (with what I think is) cyclical depression and I don't know how best to support him. We lived together over the summer (with my daughter) and it was wonderful. He since got a job in London (where he was living previously) and since then he has fallen in terms of his mental health. We are looking to relocate to the surrounding areas together but nothing makes him happy and he can't see where he could ever spend his life. He seems so troubled by the fact he's 'dragging me down' and I know he's pushing me away because he doesn't want to 'ruin my life' (which is so sad because he's wonderful and could never do that and I'm totally committed to him and can't imagine him ever ruining anything to do us). We've been together for four years and have been through so much together and I can always see when these depressive bouts are about to hit - but I really don't know how best to help him when I'm so far away. He won't medicate but has suggested he sees a therapist because he doesn't want to 'deeply regret losing me'. We are best friends and the loves of each others lives and all I want is for him to be happy. How do I help him day to day when I'm living 150 miles away?

He won’t medicate? Why not? Doesn’t he want to get better?

You’re not responsible for him. You can’t change him.

How much have you supported him, and how much has he supported you?

Firstly - I don't want to change him AT ALL. I want him to be well and happy.

He doesn't believe that medication works. I've tried to dissuade him from this perspective but I'm struggling.

We've both supported each other massively for very personal reasons including domestic violence and the very difficult sale of a family business which I don't want to go into minute detail of.

Hills, run, or ruin your life or better fuck with your daughters mental health
Sorry

I asked for help on how best to support him - not whether or not we should stay together. My daughter's wellbeing is our paramount concern (his and mine to clarify)

It's fabulous that you want to support him .
Have you tried sitting down and having a conversation around how he thinks you might be able to help ?
I asked my DP what I could do and he just likes knowing that I'm there and not pressuring him .
I asked him when he was feeling good how I could help when he was feeling low . He said that just being there with no pressure was the best .
Also I found his happy place which is a certain city in the UK so when I know he's feeling low I book a weekend for us there . I let him sleep , read , eat good food and walk . I ask of nothing but just be there and usually he comes back to me .
He told me though that this was his place so we talked and planned .
Comments like ' pull yourself together , or ' you need to get out ' aren't helpful even though we might think so .
I've no idea if this will help but I've
set boundaries too as I also have dc and myself to take care of .
My boundaries are : seek professional help . If it doesn't help fine but go anyway .
Have counselling .
He's just started 20 sessions of CBT and I ask nothing just that he goes .
If it doesn't help fine but I respect that he's giving it a go and meeting me in the middle in that way .
I'm with you in that I lobe DP so much I just want him to feel better .
Leaving isn't an option .
Hand holding for you x x

If you are willing to stay with a man who refuses to help himself, you are NOT putting the welfare of your child first. How sad and misguided. She will be the one to suffer due to your delusion.

The daughters welfare is his paramount concern!
Wake up OP
Because if I was your daughters dad and knew this i would be very pissed off.
And if your daughters father isn’t involved then maybe you need to reconsider your choice in men

I am so glad I had support from decent people rather than some who would have dropped me.
It took me a long time to go on meds for various reasons. Good friends didn't give up on me. They helped and supported me. They were there for me.
I have since been on anti d's and come back off them even though I still have bouts of depression. Why? Because of the side effects. It would have destroyed me if people dumped me because of this. It would have destroyed me if they implied I was fucking up my kids MH as a result.

Even though at the time I cannot recognise it, but it does help that people give a shit. That they are there to listen to me. That they don't nag or lecture because they understand how hard it is. And yes I acknowledge how hard it is for others to see me in this state, but it's not something I can snap out of. It helps that they give me the space that I need at times. That they encourage me to do some activities that I usually enjoy.

I think it is admiral to want to be there for a loved one who has an illness. However mental health is a difficult and agonising illness not just for the sufferer but for their loved ones. It is difficult to understand behaviour and it difficult to adjust your responses in a way that helps. I think if this is something you want to do, then you need to learn more about his illness and how you can positively help.

But to understand and help with his illness you and he need a medical diagnosis and also relevant medically advised treatment options. This may or may not include medication. Otherwise you will be prolonging illness and the impact it has on you all.

I have supported a loved one through depression and the advice I would give is simple. He needs to take the illness seriously and get medical treatment and advice. That might include a strong recommendation for medication, if not downright direction that it is needed. I wouldn't support somebody who was avoiding diagnosis and refusing to consider treatment options. It is too painful and stressful and unnecessary. That would be boundary for me.

I am concerned that this has gone on for years yet he is just now considering a self selected treatment.

If he was fine all Summer and now slipping he could be affected by SAD Seasonal Adjustment disorder with the Winter and darkness coming. There are things that help with this. Like having a light box and getting as much light as possible during the day.
Otherwise l would not be happy him not seeking medical help. I think all you can do is say l'm sure you will work it out as he is responsible for seeking that help himself. Meantime live your own life and keep your dd away from the effects of depression.

Domestic violence?

Domestic violence ?
OP came on here for some advice on how to support her partner who is feeling low .
She is trying to help and give some support .
He's very lucky to have you OP as are you him by the sounds .

My advice from just breaking up with some with after 4 years who suffered from anxiety is that you might find 'help' is you sacrificing you and your daughter's happiness for his

My EX would not take responsibility, changed anxiety meds all the time, only took that lowest doses...

Any negative behaviour was anxiety related. It impacted where we are, went etc

I have chronic depression and I know the only person who makes it tolerable is me. I have to make an active effort to stop it affecting others

Good luck

TinkerbellX

OP posted this:

We've both supported each other massively for very personal reasons including domestic violence and the very difficult sale of a family business which I don't want to go into minute detail of.

I was wondering what she meant by domestic violence as that could change the tenor of this post very much