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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first time poster but I need some advice

9 replies

lucie321 · 28/10/2018 17:36

Hi everyone, long time reader but I've never posted before and just set an account up as I need advice but I just can't speak to people IRL just yet. Me and my partner have been together 11 years, we have a boy together who is 7, just for some perspective - we rarely (never) argue and have never had any relationship issues at all. A few months ago I was using his phone to message a friend on whatsapp, he was in the same room (this is normal for us we don't have secret passwords, have joint bank account etc.) I noticed his last sent message was to a girl saying "hola guapa" which translates to hello beautiful/pretty (my partner speaks fluent Spanish, I don't) I clicked on it and there was loads of messages between them.. I couldn't read them as I don't speak Spanish, it really played on my mind so I google translated a couple, there was general chat but a lot were very flirty and obvious they'd been face timing whenever I wasn't there. I decided to leave it and just see what happened, I don't know why but I just did and looking back I just wish I had said something there and then! I just really didn't want him to this I didn't trust him and honestly I just didn't know what to do! Anyway flash forward to this week and he's been working in Spain, he's been acting a bit off and straight away it was playing on my mind about the messages from a few months ago so I snooped, I feel terrible for doing this but I just had to check, I found out that he met up with her when he was there. It doesn't say if anything happened but he hasn't mentioned it so that in itself is enough mistrust for me to be annoyed about. What do I do? How do I say anything? I'm afraid of what he will say about me being on his phone as it just isn't something I've ever done before at all in all our relationship.... I'm so hurt and so scared by his actions but equally ashamed of my behaviour. I really can't believe this is happening and I just really need some help and advise. I do believe he loves me and our family and I do think he's just made a HUGE mistake but I can't keep pretending that I don't know. Help me please!

OP posts:
RatUnholyRolyPoly · 28/10/2018 17:58

Flowers OP, it's a situation nobody wants to find themselves in and one nobody thinks will happen to them. And yet so many of us have been there.

I can only tell you what I'd do. I'd sit him down for a serious conversation. And I mean serious. I would make it clear this conversation could very well spell the end of our relationship, depending on what he said during it, and that I was fully prepared for that to be the outcome - you make no mistake about it, deadly serious.

I would tell him I'd noticed he'd been behaving strangely lately. If tell him not to even bother trying to convince me differently because I'm not an idiot, I know what I've seen and I know this is true. Don't even try and convince me I'm wrong. I'd tell him our relationship was hanging entirely on the explanation he was going to give me; not necessarily the content of the story, but whether or not it matched up to the facts I already knew (don't tell him what those are make out you may know far more than you actually do, from undisclosed sources) that would be it, no coming back from it, DONE. If there was anything I already knew that he didn't tell me, or that he lied about, or that he minimised, I wouldn't even be explaining to him how I knew he was lying, I would simply be gone. His only chance - ONLY chance would be to tell me everything and to trust that I would make a fair and reasonable decision of what to do next based on how honest I felt he'd been with me, not necessarily based on what he'd done. His ONLY chance.

And then, as he was telling me whatever story he eventually comes up with, I would be saying, "no, that's not it, that's not enough - you're walking on thin ice here mate, I am one second from leaving, you're going to have to do better than that" until he was literally a crying, quivering wreck, and certainly long after the first three times he said, "that's it, there's nothing else, I promise!" because the first few stories are never the truth, no matter how believable they sound. If he's gone to any lengths to hide it is bad enough that he'll be crying when he has to admit it.

But you have to mean it. You have to know lies mean the end. And then you just have to wait and see.

That's what I'd do. I know others would play it differently. Good luck.

Dard · 28/10/2018 17:58

You do not and should not feel ashamed at all,sadly if you have read the threads on here you will know how this s going to play out.
He is in the wrong not you sorry but he has probably slept with her.
If you confront him he will deny and delete everything,did u copy or take screen shots.

Butterfly44 · 28/10/2018 19:45

When a partner starts being off and ratty and you are suspicious anyway....more likely they are feeling the guilt /stress of what they are doing they know is wrong...and transfer it to the partner. It's quite classic behaviour. Sorry OP

Ozziewozzie · 28/10/2018 19:58

This is your life here and the security of your child. I would just confront him.
Let’s say it’s innocent and you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, you will feel tonnes better. If he loves you, he will be so happy to just reassure you and put your mind at rest. You looking at his phone will not be an issue.

However, if he has been up to mischief, he is likely to focus on the fact that you looked at the messages and that you’re the one with the issue by not trusting him. This is classic behaviour of someone who is being defensive.

Think about it, if the situation was the other way round and he had mis read messages and had been worried you had a chap on the go, surely you’d feel bad he’d been worrying about that and you’d be more than happy to just explain and reassure him. If you’d been doing things you shouldn’t, you’d panic and divert focus onto him and resent him for finding out and catching you out.
If the outcome is what you think, as hurtful and as awful as it is, you will the truth. It’s the only way you can make an informed decision for yourself. Really thinking of you. Sadly, many of us have been there. Hoping so much it won’t be you, and we will all chip in to get you Spanish lessons!
Keep us posted. X

whynot93 · 28/10/2018 20:09

Be prepared for lies until faced with the truth. I'm speaking from experience sadly. I was floored never did I think it would happen to me.. it did and the lies that came out were unbelievable. Gather every scrap of evidence and saved it because that's your trump card. Sadly from experience I don't see this as being an innocent meeting of two friends. Brace yourself my lovely xx

lucie321 · 28/10/2018 20:28

Thank you all so much. Honestly I didn’t really expect anyone to reply. I’ve got screenshots because I had to use google translate - literally a part of me sees the ridiculous hilarious side of all this - even though it’s not at all hilarious IRL. I’m so nervous and scared but I know I need to find out the truth. From what I’ve read they only met for a short amount of time at a bar, it would have been very difficult for him to have had time to meet so I’m holding out hope... I have to for my own sanity... that all they did was meet. This is literally my worst nightmare and all I can think about is how he has no idea I know about any of this. I just don’t want to ruin my sons life even though it’s not my doing as such I hope that makes sense. Thank you for all of your replies it really does mean the world to me right now to know that someone out there can help and advise me. I really really apprecite it, thank you x

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 28/10/2018 22:06

Good advice from RatUnholyRolyPoly

💐
It’s not looking good and don’t think for one moment that he didn’t have time. There’s always time x

ICESTAR · 30/10/2018 19:39

How are you op? Have you spoken to him?

Ozziewozzie · 30/10/2018 20:11

Hi OP,
Just to say we are all waiting here to find out if you’ve ‘had the chat’ It’s not that we are after gossip, it’s a case of wanting to be there for you. If you’ve had the chat and you find out google translate has a lot to answer for, don’t worry, it’s all experience we can all keep under our hats!

My daughter, then 13 had French homework, on a sheet of paper. The page had French sentences on with missing words. Underneath was a box of numerous words to be used in the missing gaps.
My daughter was stuck so I helped her. The one word left in the box was chate. (If I’m remembering correctly) I thought that meant cat. The sentence read, ‘I had lots of pussy with my friends last night’ The alternative words provided by google translate were much worse, beginning with c or f!! I was so shocked and baffled. I actually have French family so checked with them. As it turned out, my laptop couldn’t put the accent symbols on so gave the word an entirely different meaning. It should have been chate but with an accent on the ‘e’ meaning chat/conversation.
All I am saying is, double check google translate is doing its job!!!
I did mention the issue to her French teacher at parents evening and we did both see the very funny side to it.
Xx

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