Need some advice how to deal with a sick friend regarding our moving away ☹

[BaaLamby]

HI all, I Just need a bit of advice. I have a lifelong friend. We met at nursery school, we have been through infant, junior and senior school, lived 2 streets away, have kids the same age who have grown up together and are good friends. I moved half an hour away 10 years ago when I got divorced from my husband and have now remarried. My friend and I still see each other one day a week.
I was made redundant 18 months ago after 5 stressful years of being in the rolling redundancy pool each month while taking on the work of all those who got made redundant before me. I ended up off sick with stress for 6 months before taking voluntary redundancy to end my misery! Almost immediately after I finished, my friend was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. She has a husband and 2 grown children who did not take a single day off work to support her because of losing pay. It fell to me to drive down to pick her up and take her to hospital 2 to 3 times a week, I sat with her through her consultants, chemo, radiotherapy and looked after her after her breast removal. It is only recently that all of her treatments and appointments have started to come to an end. We are all relieved that she responded to her treatment is well on the mend. I am glad I was able to be there for her even though it would have been nice if a member of her own family could have stepped in to give me a break. I was still in a state of high stress from my job situation.

Sorry, now getting to the point! My husband has now been made redundant and we have decided to take early retirement. Life is too short! We always said that once we retired we would look to move down to Cornwall/Devon, a 4 hour drive away. I have mentioned this to my friend a few times over the last few years and she said in a half joking way, NO WAY, you’re not leaving me! you’re my best friend. I’ve never pushed the issue as it was not a reality BUT now it is! We have been to look at houses and have made an offer on our dream home. I tried to break it to her one night when she was here but she looked at the brochure for the house and got quite upset. I dropped it because of all that she’d been through in the last 18 months. She must have gone home in tears to her husband because he phoned me from the car then next day to tell me she is NOT happy with me. It is the elephant in the room now. I have not mentioned it since but the process of selling and buying is going on in the background and contract exchange is like to be just before Xmas! All of my family and other friends are really happy for us and are looking forward to coming down to stay. I’m beginning to feel really tense as the time draws near. My husband thinks its ridiculous tip toeing around her as she’s grown adult and I do agree but am just conscious of not wanting to upset her after all she’s been though, both her parents and all their siblings are long gone and all she has left is one brother who ironically lives down in Cornwall!

Hubby says leave it til contracts are signed and exchanged to tell her so as not to draw out my suffering Lol! Other friends and family have said just tell her now to give her time to get used to it. She hasn’t really got any other friends as she is one of those talkers! She talks constantly at you and repeats herself over and over. Previous friends and even her own brother avoid her completely. I seem to be the only one who so far hasn’t abandoned her. She’s a sweet person but completely misses social ques when other people want to speak. They simply give up and avoid her ☹

Bloody hell. Did you actually tell her when she saw the brochure? If not, tell her now you had an offer accepted on the house you showed her, you’re really excited, that she knows it’s been your dream as you’ve been mentioning it for years now and you hope she’ll come down to visit.
Definitely don’t leave it. That’s awful.

If you move surely you can still keep in touch by phone, email, other social media. She has been very fortunate to have had you as a supportive friend, through a difficult time. Really, she should in return support your choices. 4 hours is not that far away, it's not the other side of the world !

Why the hell is her husband phoning you about it? For crying out loud. It's a ridiculous situation. Everyone is treating her like a child. She's an adult. She's been sick, yes, but she's still an adult. It's not your responsibility to prop her up. In fact, with you not around, she may be prompted to go out and find other things to do socially.
If she's your friend she should be pleased for you, and not just thinking about herself.
You were already half an hour away, not like next door neighbours.

This is an incredibly one-sided friendship.
Of course she is upset, you appear to be her sole emotional and practical support, but her reaction is entirely about HER. There is no acknowledgement of your needs or wants or plans for the future. Husband is panicking because her has an emotional woman on his hands and no ability/desire to cope with it - that's seemingly your job.
It's no wonder she has few friends left, she's wholly focused on her and her needs.

Just tell her you're going and give her the date. The rest is up to her.

You're talking about 'early retirement' so I'm going to guess you are around my age. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing? We grew up in an era when we had to ask permission from parents to use a landline telephone, in the cold hall, to phone our schoolfriends. Now we can sit in a comfy chair, pick up a mobile phone, and actually see our friends to chat to them in real-time, sharing photos, etc. Moving further away is no longer the 'end of friendship' that it once was.

Tell her now. Let her get used to the idea. Stress that you need to do this for 'you', it's finally time to think of yourselves. And hopefully your friendship will endure .... If it doesn't, that's hardly your fault.

I can't believe her twat of a husband called to berate you when he never took his wife for cancer treatment!

Sounds like this move will give you some distance from this friend.

Just be careful she doesn't visit you for weeks on end when you move!

I would text her an update as part of your usual text chat. Because she has been forewarned she knows its happening. But expect her to roundly ignore it.

"Hiya, are we still doing that thing on Wednesday? All a bit hectic this week with the house move, looking forward to a slice of cake!"

She'll ignore it and probably avoid the subject. But you should treat it like a totally normal thing. Which it is! So drop it lightly into conversation"...... you know, with funds being a bit tight with paying for conveyancing and all..... " just as an aside whilst talking about other things.

I mean, how can you even have a conversation otherwise? How can you talk about next year? Or Christmas even?

You are finally getting your dream. A true friend would be happy for you on the outside even if sad on the inside.

Stop taking responsibility for her. She has no friends and family support because she treats people badly. When you move maybe she will finally have to face up to her own behaviour and start being nice to people.

Stop being her enabler. It doesn't help anyone really.

You have to bring it up sooner rather than later. Explain that it’s not personal and has been the plan for a few years. Tell her about your house, what there is to do locally and that you are looking forward to her visiting.

You have been a great friend to her so I understand why she’s upset at the thought of you moving away but if she was a great friend she would understand and not make you feel really guilty.

She hasn’t really got any other friends as she is one of those talkers takers!

Fixed that for you OP.

Time for her husband and children to step up while you get your life back.

I'm having treatment to breast cancer at the moment and would be horrified if any friend of mine couldn't get on with their own lives because of it upsetting me. If anything it proves you must do what makes you and your DP happy. If my good friend had this opportunity of course I would be sad as they wouldn't be as near but I would make the effort to support her and she has done me and would want to be discussing all your exciting plans.
Tell her and then look forward to your move and your life.

She talks constantly at you and repeats herself over and over. Previous friends and even her own brother avoid her completely. I seem to be the only one who so far hasn’t abandoned her.

Do you actually want to and like being friends with her? Cos that sounds truly awful to deal with! Or do you feel somehow beholden to her after everything?

Either way, I’d be quite pissed off with her. You’ve done so much for her and she’s being a really shitty friend right now, refusing to see it from your perspective or congratulate you on happy news, solely thinking of herself. Is that typical for her?

I’d give her one more chance, message her and say:

‘Hey friend, as you know I’m moving to Cornwall in a few months. I’m really excited as I know it’s the best thing for me and my family. I can see you’re not happy about it and to be honest it’s upsettinf me that you seem to be only thinking of yourself in this. Other people have managed to be happy for me! Four hours isn’t the other side of the world and if we remain friends it’d be lovely to travel to see one another or get together midway at times, I don’t see why a few hundred miles has to come between a friendship. But this is happening, and I hope after reading this you can see how unfair you’re being and we can get back to being friends without this elephant in the room. Let me know if you fancy coffee in a couple of weeks and we can catch up. OP’

Most people will say don’t even bother with her but clearly she means a lot to you so it’s worth a shot.

In a way you could be making the possibility of changing her behaviour less likely by always being the best friend, available to witter to.

If you step away she will have an opportunity to kick her family into support and to alter her bad points to have many friend.

I admit that it might not happen but ifyou are there it definitely wont'. Look at it that way, you could be doing her a great favour by not always being there.

Wow thank you everyone for your thoughts! Its good to get outside perspectives on such a friendship! Its difficult to be objective when you are involved. You have all been very insightful and perceptive! I saw my friend last week and I raised the subject again telling her we WILL be moving but before I got to finish my sentence, she shot me a look and said ‘As long as its not Devon!! Its 4 hours away, we cannot afford the petrol to drive that far. I don’t mind a 2-hour drive but not 4!!’. I suddenly had an epiphany bearing in mind all your comments. As I said in my original post, I had given up work due to stress so we were a wage down but I drove 25 miles each way 2 to 3 times to take her to her treatment. I was a little worried about my petrol bill but couldn’t and wouldn’t have asked her for a penny toward it, I just swallowed it. And here she was telling me she wasn’t prepared to spare a tank of petrol for a free holiday in Devon whilst visiting me. I felt flush of anger/hurt and just got up and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. I had felt a bit guilty up to this point but it all changed after that comment! I just sat back down and handed her a cup of tea and said ‘I understand you are not well off and don’t expect you to be out of pocket coming down to see us so will understand if you can’t afford to come down but we ARE going, things can’t stay the same for ever’. She just looked down and said ‘I know’ and looked like she was going to cry but I went off to the toilet to avoid any emotional scenes. It took me a lot of guts to say what I did and didn’t want to back down. She needed to absorb what I was telling her and get used to it. She only has an old PAYGO mobile which she won’t use because it’s too expensive (she always calls me and asks me to call her straight back) , her husband won’t let her talk on the landline because of the tariff they are on and she refuses to use social media of any kind, she doesn’t even have an email address so unless I call her I can’t see us having any contact! It looks like our 50-year friendship was one-sided after all and won’t survive the move. I feel a little emotional at the moment. it’s a sad situation.

She only has an old PAYGO mobile which she won’t use because it’s too expensive (she always calls me and asks me to call her straight back) , her husband won’t let her talk on the landline because of the tariff they are on and she refuses to use social media of any kind, she doesn’t even have an email address so unless I call her I can’t see us having any contact! It looks like our 50-year friendship was one-sided after all and won’t survive the move.

Well done you on getting up and not letting it turn into a scene, normally I’d say if a friend is upset let it roll and stay with it but after how she has behaved it was definitely the right thing to do to let her feel it and have it sink in without reassuring her. I’m impressed at your resolve now compared to your initial post!

Re the bit I quoted, if she wishes to stay in touch she will. It’s that simple. With a PAYG phone she can send texts cheap. She can set up an email quickly and for free if she wants to. And she has an address, as will you, so she can send letters if she wants to stay in touch. When I was little my mum (a technophobe) had friends she wanted to keep in touch with so they sent letters to each other. Stamps are a few pence. It can be a lovely way to keep in touch that way! And even if she’s tight on money she’d find a way, there are cheap coaches, or she can save a bit each month for petrol and visit once every six months or so, you guys split the petrol whoever visits etc. There are so many ways to stay in touch with someone you want to.

If she doesn’t then sadly I would agree, she doesn’t value this friendship as much as you do. In your shoes I’d feel a bit used as she was happy to pretend to be close when she needed favours. But life moves on :)

On the other hand, this could be a blessing in disguise. It sounds one sided, she sounds like a nightmare with the nonstop talking, everyone else has drifted from her due to how she is, I do wonder whether in the long run it might be better for you for this friendship to distil into an annual catch up if that rather than the amount of time she takes up in your life already.

Not surprised her husband took it upon himself to apply the pressure for you not to move. Once you leave, he's lumbered with your job of supporting his wife more. Heaven forbid, he might even have to take a day off work occasionally.

She could get an email address so she can email you, she could buy stamps, she could get a coach to visit you. She just sounds like she wants you to do all the running. She doesn’t actually sound like she is terribly nice to you.

She is upset about you moving because you have been very useful to her over the years and she sees the gravy train ending.

Is her husband controlling or does she not bother herself?

@Twisique

Her husband is a very controlling person. He controls the household money. However she earns her own money albeit he tries to control that too! He will spend money if she makes enough fuss. When it comes to driving any distance she wont drive. She is a nervous driver so he would be the one driving to Devon if they come! She said he doesn’t want to drive that distance but I know he willing drives miles if it’s for things he wants to do! He would drive down if she insisted! I think he has shown his true colours during her cancer treatment and she now knows what an utterly narcissistic person he is. The majority of the time we spend together is her her offloading her bitterness and anger towards him at me. I think that is best part of the reason she doesn’t want me to go. She’s not able to tell him how she feels as he’s not interested and doesn’t listen so she bottles it up and let’s off stem at me every week. It’s exhausting!

Many of you have said it would be a good thing for me to have some distance from her and that is really sinking in. I used to really enjoy our friendship when it was less frequent. I have reached saturation point listening to her incoherent ramblings! My husband has always tried to be understanding and patient with her but he’s also reached that point with her now. He tries to talk but she just cuts him off and talks over him till he just throws his arms up in frustration and leaves the room! I don’t blame him. He has expressed that he will be glad never to see her again when we move but will put up with her in small doses if she does come down. I’m now thinking this move could be the right thing for both my husband and I.

My dad and my son have asd and it sounds like she might have some ASD traits. The whole not noticing social queues. My son is also very literal and says what is on his mind - he doesn't mean to be rude but sometimes it comes across this way. When she said I don't mind if you move 2hrs away not 4hrs - its something my son might say as he is thinking out loud rather than telling someone what to do. So please do not think your friendship was one sided - I suspect she just has communication issues. You need to go live tour life - there is always Skype. Just saw her how to use this before you leave. People with ASD also tend to be loyal - its a very positive trait of ASD so you may find she does make the effort. Enjoy your move.

@ittakes2

That’s a really interesting suggestion! I’ll look into it. There is definitely something a miss with her but she is fiercely loyal!

Thanks x

Did you read my post before making yours Holidayshopping? 😂