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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I done this...

13 replies

Ilikechicken18 · 28/10/2018 09:33

So me and my partner used to have sex a often when together but since having kids wined off, I can't explain it but for some reason I went off it with him (I would feel sickened by him touching me etc and feel like he was sleepy). He also made lots of negative comments about my body as I put on weight, so I only had sex with him when I felt I had to, if he was persistent or moaned I was a nun etc for not wanting it. Fast forward a couple of years and another kid we never have sex and he doesn't try anymore except once a year when we're on holiday at his families home abroad and their all in the other room. I feel he doesn't try cos he's made it clear many times he doesn't like fat women (he's sees over a size 12 fat) I'm now a 16. I have been told that he is using the lack of sex as abuse, but I'm unsure if me finding excuses to avoid it in the past has caused him an issue? If he had issues why wud he be capable that one time a year.

OP posts:

Musti · 28/10/2018 09:38

I wouldn't feel like having sex with someone who criticised my body so this isn't about you. Also it's normal when you have a baby to temporarily go off sex.

NotTheFordType · 28/10/2018 09:41

Why did you decide to have another child with this prize wanker?

OK leave that to one side. What are the practical necessities for you leaving?

Original poster

Ilikechicken18 · 28/10/2018 09:44

I am planning on leaving, I'm just trying to understand things about what behaviour is him or me. My youngest is 3 so not a baby lmao, and I don't actually want sex with him but unsure if this is abuse or I've caused him an issue cos I wud feel bad. I hate him seeing my body since the criticism started, he said alot about my tummy then wud touch it during which he knows I hated.

OP posts:

Santaclarita · 28/10/2018 11:04

Have you told him he makes you feel like shit when he criticises you?

Original poster

Ilikechicken18 · 28/10/2018 11:17

Oh Yeh he says we'll if u didn't.... Or u know u need to lose weight... Blah blah and puts it bk onto my why I've made him say that or if he says he was joking and I need to get a sense of humour. X

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 28/10/2018 11:25

From what you've described not having sex with you isn't any form of abuse as far as I can see. Most people stop trying if repeatedly rejected. But it doesn't matter- you don't want sex anyway and he has been being a prick to you. If you're planning on leaving don't spend too much time running over things like this.

Santaclarita · 28/10/2018 13:05

Nah give it no further thought. Other than insults to him if he continues insulting you if you want to do that. Not like he wouldn't deserve being taken down a peg or two.

Santaclarita · 28/10/2018 13:06

Obviously that's because you're leaving. Didnt make that clear in my post.

Original poster

Ilikechicken18 · 29/10/2018 17:09

Your right I shouldn't give it much thought but I am concerned that maybe I have made him behave the way he has and been unaware of it, like this situation. Thank u for the advice x

OP posts:

Adora10 · 29/10/2018 17:20

No woman is going to want sex with any man who slags her off, especially her body; so no not your fault, he's a horrible bastard who thinks it's ok to criticise your body when you are a size 12 and call you fat, this is not a relationship, it sounds utterly depressing; hopefully you will get out soon.

greenberet · 29/10/2018 17:21

Withholding sex can be a form of abuse - why does he only try when on holiday - is he trying to pretend everything all ok with your relationship in front of his family - does he criticise you for anything else you do - does he help with childcare etc

I suspect that he is probably pretty abusive generally and you have taken this to be normal - but his comments about your weight etc have got you questioning things - also only joking and you need to get a sense of humour after insulting you - behavioural tactics of narcisstic personality

Original poster

Ilikechicken18 · 30/10/2018 21:12

Yeh I know he is abusive normally I've come to realise that. I thought at first maybe it had just drifted apart cos I clearly resented sex and avoided it (it became very him based and most time we wudnt even have sex), but the fact he tries every year when with his family it seems odd, we argue on those holidays sometimes so it's not like it all happy families the whole time. It's confused me x

OP posts:

greenberet · 31/10/2018 07:11

Sorry to hear that @Ilikechicken18 I can tell you something now for a fact you haven’t done this so please stop questioning yourself - relationships are hard work at the best of times and when you are dealing with someone who will not address their own issues but instead chooses to blame you - it becomes soul destroying as you are now beginning to realise.

Can you see your GP and get some counselling to help with how you are feeling. Or maybe one Of the women’s aid programmes . You say you are planning on leaving I do t know how far you have gone with this if you have help and support etc but it will be tough.

I have just come out of a 20 year marriage nothing so obviously abusive apart from financially but the impAct on me has been huge. If you can work on your own strength as much as you can before hand it will serve you well.

and by the way 16 is not fat I think you will find it is the average size of women these days! And you are probably using food as a substitute for love! Good luck! X

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