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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL not seeing kids

33 replies

JuJu2017 · 28/10/2018 09:21

So I posted to here a while ago about my MIL falling out with me because i put a picture of my ds on fb and didn’t tag her in it.
It has been six weeks now and she has made no effort to see my kids. My son still asks for her occasionally (she saw him once a fortnight or so before the argument) and it is breaking my heart that he’s missing herbut I can’t bring myself to say sorry.
She never really thought of my kids prior to the argument and only saw them when we would invite her for dinner but at least she did see them sometimes then; now she hasn’t asked about them for nigh on seven weeks.
What do I do? Should I take it on the chin for the sake of my children and my Dh who also hasn’t seen His mum? They have tried to talk about it but it always comes back mil saying it hurt her too much not being tagged and he thinks she’s being petty and using it as an excuse.
I just feel bad for my Dh and sons but this woman isn’t nice and I can’t being myself to give in! Should I get a grip?

OP posts:
JuJu2017 · 29/10/2018 12:23

Sorry - she said she's not comfortable coming to see them because of me.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 12:26

As someone who is nc with mil, she is instigating ago so don't bite . Walk away.
And she can stew in turkey juices over Christmas.
Enjoy your dc and don't you dare feel guilty.
Haven't seen mil for nearly 4 years after she snubbed ds repeatedly - then emailed all her friends that we had cut her out of his life!!
Your dc do not need such a woman in their lives.
And am sure you don't either!!

Aprilislonggone · 29/10/2018 12:27

*instigating agro!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/10/2018 12:34

JuJu

re your comment:-
"She is horrible, but she can have her nice days, and she's their gran.
Idk. I'm so confused. Also, as someone said, what about Christmas?"

Sod Christmas with her frankly and after all its only two days. Be happy with your own family unit and continue to make your own traditions. The best thing here is to live well. She is not a worthy grandmother to your children and she was also a crap parent to your DH when he was growing up. He knows all too well what she is like. Your children won't mention their nan particularly if you do not keep on bringing up the subject. As another poster rightly put she is a disgrace.

Would you have tolerated this behaviour from a friend?. You are nice and empathetic but she has taken your kindnesses here and has shit all over it. People like his mother see kindness as a weakness to exploit. You also cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial relations to someone like his mother, those do not apply here. Do read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward; it could help you a lot here. Deal also with your own fear, obligation and guilt here too.

Think about this some more; when has she ever been nice to your kids. From what I have read she has patently ignored them throughout and only wants to give other people the idea that she is a nice grandmother.

As for her being nice sometimes, abusive people also do the nice/nasty cycle very well and that is a continuous one.

Its also NOT your fault that she is the ways she is; her own family of origin did that to her.

AFrayedOfHell · 29/10/2018 13:19

You can't reason with someone like this. Chase after her = reinforces her belief that you behaved intentionally to upset her ignore her = reinforces her belief that you behaved intentionally to upset her. I really would do the latter, she has instigated the NC and it reads to me that she doesn't actually want to be an engaged grandparent, and has been looking for an out from your attempts to include her.

My mum was like this, she went NC with me for over 2 years because of my brother's birthday plans(!) That also meant she didn't see her grandchildren (my DC) and didn't meet DS4 until he was over 2.

I did get back in touch with her after she fell out with my brother over another one of her bizarre beliefs (my brother suggested I get back in touch). It was my choice to do so, and I just got to the point where I could be totally zen with her behaviour. She was a troubled woman but couldn't see it, and would fixate on perceived slights and blow them out of all proportion. At her funeral there were only 5 of us there, and she was only on speakers with 2 of us. That's just how she was.

Bluetrews25 · 29/10/2018 14:23

Life is too short to put up with people like this and their crap.
Not every child has 4 engaging grandparents, and it is no loss to have less plastic tat forced into your house at Christmas and birthdays. Very few children would notice the lack of some of their tat quota. You will notice and appreciate a reduction in your hassle quota!

Outlookmainlyfair · 29/10/2018 15:01

Please be kind to yourself and don’t torture yourself. I had a similar experience with a family member, welcoming the family member in, doing everything I could and when I still could not please them It really took its toll on my mental health. I took me ages to move on and realise that it was not my problem. Your MIL sounds toxic, it is her definitely not you!

twoshedsjackson · 30/10/2018 10:52

Your subsequent posts make the original situation so much clearer; you are in an impossible situation if you try to mollify somebody so determined to take offence. Her other children and children in law have already given up, your DH, the last man standing, has honestly tried his best, but nothing will do. Like some gruesome game of "pass the parcel", she wants to land the misery on you when the music stops, because you are a kind, empathetic person. In a perverse sort of way, she might even relish being the aggrieved abandoned granny over Christmas, but the comment about your not having more babies was the one I found truly shocking. I would have gone LC at the very least after that barb! If you must send her a present for Christmas, make it a mirror..........

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