Choosing a marriage counsellor that won't tear you apart?

[FiveYearsOlder]

My husband and I have gone from what I considered a pretty rock-stable relationship full.of lots of laughter, love and mutual support if needed, to one escalating into a pattern of arguing that will eat away at us if not nipped in the bud.

Our toddler has not slept well ever. Teething very early, illness, separation anxiety and more. We both agree cry it out or controlled crying isn't for us. Each to their own and I don't want to judge others, but our daughter would never give up.until sick.

On top of this, his family have always been controlling. So much so, his mum rocked up to his uni having printed out his revision 'timetable'. His mates have joked at her. She was physically violent towards his dad and got taken to court bit blamed him for the stress. She's given me no end of abuse over the years for not being a perfect domestic partner and the last time she came up at me shouting in my own house when I was holding my daughter after I dared stick up for myself. She then lied about everything that was said and twisted it back on me.

My husband always says she's a controlling narcissist but then says they ought to see our 17 month old daughter as they 'love her'. I've pointed out that I'm worried that she could be a toxic influence. As he's gone round nearly every weekend for a bit they've taken it that he's okay with the. He's not but says I can hardly let them see her but rock up saying you're dicks every time.

We've always argued over them. I thought if he just stood up for himself he could make them see sense but they need we listen. He told me that at the outset and I realise now that won't happen.

I'd love to say it's only them (although they are a big deal). However, we seem to have now gotten into a pattern of assuming the other person meant something bad.

I want to marriage counselling. If I get fridbds6 they say of to be stupid as we've always been so good but I feel like this negative pattern will ear away.

The other worry though is that I've read that marriage counselling can tear you further apart. We're not at 'breaking point' so don't want to risk damaging things as I've heard it can get into the blame game and so wreck marriages.

Can anyone help advise how to find a great counsellor that doesn't just tell you you may be better off alone?! I may also need to see them alone for a couple of sessions before I can get my husband onboard.x

How many counsellors have you tried so far?

Having a baby is like throwing into a bomb into any relationship.

Does your DP acknowledge his mum's criminal record?

We've not tried any. My husband is worried that they'll make us sit there and pick each other apart. I'm also worried about this. I've read articles saying it can make things worse.

He fully acknowledges it and all her behaviour. He has suggested moving to get away but our friends are here (they're in the same town). She thought until recently I didn't know. It was a one-off event but his dad got blamed for going to the police and the fact she was dragged through the papers.

We're both in agreement that they shouldn't see her without him present after the latest incident (before it had to be both of them).

It's how we respond to their attempts to brush things under the carpet and try to push our limited contact boundaries we now disagree on.

Lack of sleep and carrying the mental load for things are a big factor for us too.

My husband is generally very caring and loving. I just want to learn to communicate better.

I've been looking online at therapists and considered relate but no idea how to go about picking one.

I would both see different individual counsellors. He needs to sort out his guilt over not seeing DPs, you need to see you can't 'make others see sense' as it doesn't work like that but an intelligent adult with no connection to the situation might allow you to make a plan/ decision.

DH and I have had similar issues, arguments since our son was born (also a bad sleeper) and problems with his family (some toxic/manipulative behaviour although not as bad as your MIL sounds tbh).

Anyway, we’ve been having couple’s counselling for several weeks now and we’re finding it very helpful. I think the choice of therapist is absolutely crucial. We did have an initial conversation with Relate but we weren’t at all impressed with the therapist and I’ve heard/read very mixed things about Relate anyway. We went with someone else and we’re doing sessions by video call after our son goes to bed, which is very practical. The therapist is excellent.

DH has never had individual counselling in his life, despite some difficult events over the years, and some gentle encouragement from me. However, he agreed to couple’s counselling as it was clear that we needed it, and he is finding it so helpful that he’s finally seen the value of individual counselling and has recently started some for himself. Our couple’s therapist gently encouraged it and he also had a well timed conversation with a friend of his who said it had been helpful to him and recommended his therapist.

With toxic family issues like this, I do think individual counselling would be helpful to your DH, but it’s likely that he can’t see it yet, so it might be helpful to focus on your relationship first, which will hopefully lead him to thinking more deeply about his family stuff.

Meanwhile I really recommend the books Toxic Parents for your DH (I bought mine a copy and he found it all very helpful, despite not being into self-help type books at all!) and Toxic In-Laws for yourself. Both by Susan Forward.

Thank you. I'm not trying to enforce my way in anyone, if it comes across like that. I'd always been raised that family is important and so tried to forgive and encourage him to talk about issues with them.

I do think you may be right Witchy. Before he could always rely on me feeling we ought to do the 'right thing'. In the past he could rely on me to feel guilted by his parents and encourage us to talk it over with them (and get nowhere). Now he can't but he can say they ought to see our daughter. So despite him saying he'd love to move far away I suspect he's always known I'd never want to give up my friends.

There's other stuff going on too (and in no way am I under any illusions I'm not at fault for a lot of it) but this has always been a big one.

A different viewpoint. Thanks AnotherEmma. Do you mind if I message you to find out more about how you chose your counsellor? I've heard the same about Relate. I know if we're going to do this it needs to be the right therapist.

And you're right - I think he may need some help as he's told me some things over the years I just don't think a mother should ever say to her son. He claims he's not bothered but it must hurt. I also think I need to work in some of my own issues like anxiety.

Not at all, I was going to say feel free to PM me actually.

Hi OP, many similarities between your story and mine. We had 2 non sleeping children (up at 5am today, which I thought was pretty good!). Toxic in laws......but fortunately they live in a different country. We have been to at least 3 (maybe 4) different counsellors at relate. One was better than the rest, but mostly they just helped to mediate us through huge rows....which guess kept us going at the time. Ultimately you are sitting in a room with your partner pointing out their faults. It’s rarely going to go well. I also think my DH should go to counselling (abusive childhood which he fails - or chooses not- to recognise), but if he went on his own he literally wouldn’t know what to say. It would be like ‘I’m here because DW sent me. I don’t have a problem’. Neither you nor your counsellor can change your DH behaviour. Only he can do that. I now see an amazing therapist on my own (I’ve also seen several useless therapists in my time......there are an awful lot out there and it’s really hard to find a good one) who helps me manage my behaviour, which has a knock on positive effect on DHs behaviour. I also found Laura Doyle’s ‘the empowered wife’ very helpful. My therapist says that it’s the case in most couples she sees that one party doesn’t want to be there, which makes it difficult. I’m sure you will get responses from people who have had amazing results from couples therapy.....and I guess DH and I are still together, so in one sense it has worked. But it’s a jungle out there. relate is a good place to start, but you don’t get to choose.

Similar story here with us, OP. 5 years ago we went to Relate but found it unhelpful. More recently, when problems came to a head again (problems that didn't really go away from relate 5 years ago), I refused to do relate again, so found a different therapist. This one is much, much better. He is a psychotherapist and he talks of not apportioning blame but finding paths of compassion to learning to recognise and respond to each other's call for support.
So far it's helping.

www.marriagecare.org.uk

I recommend the above.

We’ve just started couples counselling. We’re three sessions in and it’s helping us. I’m really glad we started before it was too late, before I completely lost the love.
The counsellor absolutely won’t let us pick each other apart or criticise each other. He focuses on our feelings about the situation we’re in and our reactions to it. It’s hard work and we’ve both cried in at least two of the theee sessions we’ve had.
It took me a long time to choose the counsellor though. I wanted someone who was experienced and who worked across a range of techniques. I used the BCAP website and filtered on location and then only looked at people who supervised others and/or trained others. Then I researched them because I wanted someone that would work well with me and DP. Most were full or had waiting lists. The guy that we ended up seeing initially said that he might not be able to take us but that he would recommend someone for us. When I told him the basics about our situation (which is fairly complex and involves a third party - v similar to your MIL) he said he’d like to see us himself so he’s fitting us in.
It’s good but extremely uncomfortable at times but not because we’re picking each other apart - more because we have to confront our own behaviour. For example, I’ve had to consider that something I think is one of my best attributes is actually quite damaging to our relationship and that’s hard - I need to change and I don’t know how to! We had a session last week and I didn’t want to go back again but I know that it’s helping me and us so I will.
So my main bit of advice is do your research, pick someone experienced and be prepared to wait for them to have a space.

I have heard emotion focused therapy is good
There’s a book about it called Hold Me Tight

I’ve always found Relate very good.

Marriage Care is a Catholic organisation:
www.marriagecare.org.uk/who-we-are/mission-vision-values/

Might not be for everyone.

Thank you e eetine for all your helpful comments. We've just had a lovely morning full of laughter after we chatted but I know we need to nip this in the bud. I think I'll read The Empowered Woman and Toxic In-laws books but need to look into therapists further.

I've been raised Catholic and so I suppose that Marriage Care may be good in that they won't encourage you to split! But it sounds like it's about finding a good therapist and commiting to working on your own issues, even if your DH won't for now.

Lots of research ahead I think. Thanks so much for the support. I know there's bstill plenty of love between us so I'm hopeful I'm addressing it soon enough.

Don’t think that non-religious therapists will encourage you to split. That’s not the point of therapy or couple’s therapy.

I would prefer a therapist who supported us to make our own decisions about what’s right for us, whether that’s staying together or splitting up.

I would be very wary of a catholic organisation in case they had an agenda of getting couples to stay together even if it wasn’t the right thing for the couple. I’m not saying that they all do, just that I’d be worried about it.

Thanks again for the support and advice.

After another day today where I promised to not raise his parents' behaviour I couldn't help it as I started pulling at my hair and my DH asked what the matter was. I can't discuss that without it escalating into a full-blown row.

I felt so positive this morning. I completely recognise that I need to adjust my reaction to his parents but I also don't even know what to do for the best.

My DH seems to forget he's called them toxic, controlling and narcissistic. I stupidly said they deserve to see them supervised for his dad. They've taken and run with this.

I even came across the bloody uni 'revision' files his mum sent today as we're in the process of moving! Crazy when you see it for real, highlight pen and all.

My DH has said I've got an obsession with them and I think maybe he's right. I get so pent up waiting for their next attempt at infiltrating any peace with their shit. He never anticipates how his ducking his head in the sand leads to shit. Like how him going round and being pleasant, saying I'm busy with work as an excuse for not seeing them implies he's got no problem with their behaviour. She screamed in my face for no reason and then said I did it!!!

I'm guilty of stressing about each ',move' of theirs
but I always predict their next move. Thsy keep persistingike nothing has happened.

I said they'll think things are fine with his behaviour. Most recent one being them saying they're away seeing his grandma so can they see her this week. When it turns out we're busy they're a really only away ONE weekend! His message made out like just too busy sorting stuff, not like he may not want to dedicate time to them as we are a family who may want some plans between sleeps (as such a bad sleeper she still sometimes does just two naps).

They've asked what car seat to get so they can get the same. I predicted they'd think things are okay. He says non-issue and just ignore that comment - no point causing a scene by raising the fact that we'd agreed they will only see her unsupervised as they can't be trusted to not do WTF that like (as well as his mum's clear anger issues).

And when Christmas came up he reiterated I can't never see them again.

Why? Her emails to me over the years are worse than that viral one that got leaked to the Daily Mail. My friend used to laugh at my jovial take on her behaviour until she read it. She actually cried.

I realise I need to not speak about them again. So I suppose I seek my own therapist for now. He certainly won't go.

I'm now starting to wonder if I was deluded thinking not on the brink.