If you went through a brutal divorce, how long did it take you to fully recover?

[Craftmonnie]

I was thinking about this tonight. It's three years now since my mentally ill ex practically skinned me alive. I'm only just beginning to grow away from the trauma - despite bucket loads of therapy. How long did it take you?

I think some elements last forever. Every story is different and there will be triggers for everyone.

I still freak out momentarily if an official looking letter comes through the post that I wasn't expecting (divorced a gambling addict who owed money all over the place).

My DD asked me what it's like to be married and I truly couldn't bring myself to answer her question. I couldn't cope with the memories and how it made me feel.

Five years down the line and generally happy but I do consider myself damaged and I would never have another relationship. The price is too high.

I was doing much better until horrible exH dragged me back to court in September. He had a lovely time combing though my finances and slagging me off in his various statements. He lost but the damage was done and I had to drop out of a course I was starting the next day (fees all paid) as I was all over the place so I have now lost a year as I can't re-enrol until next September.

What a great idea for a thread. I am yet to find out. Women's Aid say 3 to 5 years.

Op If you dont mind me asking why do you describe your ex as mentally ill instead of mentally abusive?

Sending you a big hug-3 years down the line but still so hard and continuous court battles initiated by ex- though they have turned in my favour it is still hard to go through and hard to move on with all that going on

Pony

Did they turn in your favour because the judge realised your ex is a pig?

I'm divorced for five years now and I still feel sick when my ex texts me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be completely free of him 

As surly just said - that sick feeling has never gone. We separated 8 years ago, for various reasons divorce was only finalised 2 years ago. He has pretty much ruined me and continues to try to do so at every opportunity. I'm so past him. But then... his name pops into my inbox and I shit myself all over again. I know it is very wrong but i just wish he was dead and then I would be properly free. I don't think I will be until then.

After all the years of crisis teams, suicide talk and plans and general torment I am still finding myself again 3 years on too.

@bluetrampolines My ex was mentally ill too, it's not the same as abusive (but obviously a person can be ill AND abusive).

It took many years (5+).

But fortunately life got better and better from the first day I moved out. So although it was a long time with many challenges, there was also happiness and increasing wisdom along the way.

It's taking longer than I expected.

Left him July '16 and moved in with parents, thinking we'd be there for about 6 months and that within the year I'd have a new man and be properly cracking on with my life. Divorced Oct '17, DD and I in our own home March '18.

No time, opportunity or inclination for another relationship at this point, and it's only in the last few months, now the practical side of it is over, that the emotional impact of what went on in our marriage and the process of getting out if it has really started to emerge, in the form of what I can only describe as something that feels like PTSD combined with rock bottom self esteem. I've just been referred for 1-2-1 counselling and put on an online support programme in the meantime.

I suspect it'll be another year or two before I feel completely 'healed '. Someone told me at the time to allow a month for every year of marriage. Based on my experience I'd say you need to take that from the divorce and all other arrangements being final, not from when the marriage broke down.

So many of you describe my own experience. It feels like they still get to be our masters, until we get strong enough to become ourselves again. Do you think the judges know they are bad men? I used to sit in court praying that the judge knew it wasn't me.

2.5 years on and I still think about the horrific fallout everyday.

I definitely think the old saying of "time heals" is very true and when I look back to this time last year, things were very different. The divorce and abuse broke me, however I'm happy now (no new partner) and the kids are finally settled.

Ex is a miserable as fuck, bloated from too much alcohol and lives alone after he kicked out shiny new woman and their new baby.

Mindfullness helped me ...as well as wine!

'Thankfully' my situation was one of coercive control and emotional abuse, and once I'd made the decision there was not a lot of argument from him about the legalities although he did make the practical side of things as difficult as possible (e.g. moving in with his new partner, lying about it and then moving a couple that he knew into our family home, whilst DD and I were living in difficult curve with my elderly parents; adding debt in his name onto the mortgage current account in attempt to minimise my share of the house proceeds etc).

Still, all in all we had a much easier time than many, but I think it's very easy to just keep going and going while it's all happening and then just when you think 'whoppee, new life at last!' it all catches up with you and it's like being hit by a truck.