He's off sex after getting back together, should I worry or just RELAX

[nosexannie]

Reading a few threads today has made me think about what's happening in my relationship.

I was sad about this initially but it's become the new norm.....hoping it rights itself😁😁

Together 10 years but split just over a year ago. His decision. Came home and said he wasn't happy and it was over.
We talked lots and got back together a few months later but we still live apart. Initially after getting back together we had lots of sex but it petered out.

The state of play at the moment is that its been months since we've been intimate in any way. I can't remember when we last had sex maybe May or June.

Spoke to him and he says its work related....runs his own business and has had staffing issues.....he's working very long days and rarely able to take a day off. Says he's just exhausted. I can see he is.

There's a silly worry at the back of my mind that he's regretting getting back together.

There's no kissing either....he backs away. Pecks on lips yes.

Is this worry an insecurity from the break up or am I being naive and burying my head in the sand

Bump. Should say I'm a regular and NC

Yes you have every right to worry. I get that some stress can take you away from intimacy but months and months.. worrying to say the least. Could be depressed or he's found a new play mate?

I don't think there's a new play mate whynot i don't have that feeling....but when we split....I didn't see that coming either. Yes we'd argued but we'd just bought a house together.

Depressed wouldn't surprise me, not that he'd label himself as being depressed

What stands out to me is that he backs away when you go to kiss him. That to me says something is not right. Are you feeling emotionally close?

Do you have dc? How often do you stay over at each other’s houses?

Things I've done so far.,,

I've discussed it with him a few times😬 but what else am I supposed to do

Dressing more girly rather than the usual Jean and t shirts

currently loosing weight (I was an 8 when we met but overtime became a 14. I'm a 12/10 now and aiming to be a steady 10)

Suggested breaks away, offered to help at his place of work

Now I'm giving him space and not chasing him but still being loving.

He's just not that into you, I'm afraid.

I wouldn’t like to say you should be worried OP, but I think maybe you need to be concerned

No sex is bad enough. But lack of affection is a worry, to me. He may be too tired for sex and that I can understand but he can’t be “too tired” for a kiss. Backing away when you lean in is also quite concerning aswell

What’s he like away from the physically affection? Does he make plans? Does his actions match his words?

Him backing away is the thing that makes my tummy lurch Latent. I don't get it

We stay over 2-3 nights a week. I have two teenagers 17 and 18 that he's raised for the time we've been together.

When we're not together we speak 2-3times a day on the phone. That's him calling me

He says things are good, buys me little gifts....it's the affection and intimacy that's gone. I don't feel emotionally close because I feel physically seperated.

I'm focusing on myself....doing my house up

Spreading out at work

Loosing weight

Reconnecting with friends

If he doesn't see me that way anymore then I won't be coming away from this feeling like the person I did, when he left last year

I'm just not sure what step to take next.....do I talk to him again, leave things for a while longer, not putting pressure on him......if so how long do I leave it for?

It's become the new norm

Personally I would have a frank chat that clearly the spark is gone and it might be time to call it a day. That you had not this platonic existence in mind, and its not for you.

He doesn't live with you. He never will. It's going nowhere.

Did you get to the bottom of why he left last year? Maybe he wanted the company, home comforts etc so came back but the base issue is still a problem that he hasn't face up to?

You are doing all the right thngs in building yourself a better life.

Something is just not right is it, I agree with the PP advice, have a frank chat and raise this issue. Make it clear you want more and you are not comfortable with the current situation. Maybe that will give him a little wake up call. You are doing the right thing focusing on your own wellbeing and will gain strength form that. My honest opinion is he's just not in to you and can't walk away or he's leading some sort of double life.

I would think he was with someone else and left for her. Came back because he thought it was over. Now it's back on. Maybe someone who's married and promised to leave as well but didn't. But I may be completely wrong. Him avoiding all intimacy with you and refusing to talk about it is disrespectful and piss-poor. Move on - you deserve more.

If a man has a good libido and is attracted to you, he will want to have sex with you even he were working long hours. And he's even avoiding proper kissing? He's simply not attracted to you. He has no sexual interest in you and is only hanging around because you're safe and comfortable. You should get him to leave.

I suspect after he ended it he missed you and the comfort of your relationship but whatever the issue was that led him to leave was still there.
I would be worried in your position that you are the comfortable and easy option, better than being single or dating, but that he hasn't really 'chosen' you.

I'd have a time in my mind, like till the end of November and if he's still pulling away when you try to kiss him, or you're getting a peck on the lips only, then I'd call it a day.

Tell him you've noticed something is missing and have given it time to improve but it hasn't. So It's probably best to split.

I didn't see that he explained why he broke up. I'd be thinking it didn't work out with his love interest.

Who did he leave for and is she still on the scene?

If you carry on with this then your self esteem and confidence will end up on the floor. It may be that he loves you but isn't in love with you and doesn't like the thought of you with anyone else. He hasn't moved back in and there's no sex. This is someone you've been with over a decade. He's taking steps back in the relationship rather than forward

Thank you for all the responses...

I'm working away next week which'll give me a bit of distance to get some perspective.
The following week, were meant to be going to Northumbria for 3 nights. I'm still going to go. I want to see the situation through new eyes and have a frank chat if necessary.

I want to see if the attraction, has truly gone. I'm aware I'm in denial. But I'm hoping

I love him and he's a good guy. But I think he's staying because he doesn't want to hurt me again. Him staying with no intimacy or affection, does hurt me though. Maybe he's hoping I'll end things for him. Who knows.

Somebody asked why he broke things off.
He did the, 'it's not you, it's me', 'not happy' 'were different people now', 'he wanted to choose his own path and do his own thing'
I told him if that's the way he felt then keep walking.
Blamed myself...id gained weight, wasn't exciting as I used to be etc.

He's always denied there was someone else and no one else has ever come out of the woodwork. I did wonder if his head had been turned though.....but that it had come to nothing. I can't prove it. I don't get the vibe that there's another woman.

We never stopped talking after he left. He was doing the chasing, we talked and decided to take things slowly. He said 'he didn't want to loose me' 'loves me' 'sorry for the hurt he'd caused etc

Living seperately for a while was both our choices. It took me some time, to get used to the house being mine and not ours. Bloody hurt. Plus he's a messy bugger. For us to live together again I'd have to be a 100per cent sure, that he wanted us together. I'm enjoying my own space 😁. I'm enjoying finding out who I am again 😁. I'm enjoying making decisions without checking in with someone else first