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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aaaargh again

18 replies

Cherrypop88 · 27/10/2018 15:31

I found a strange text from a girl on my partners phone he had saved the number under a boys name (she put her name on the bottom of text) I left it for a few days thinking it was a mistake but it was niggling at me so I checked again - no new texts but there was a phone call, he records all calls I checked the recordings no sign of the call , I checked the trash section in app and voila 2 juicy little calls recorded....long story short he meet her, picked her up went back to hers spoke to her and her friends (shared accommodation ) claims nothing happened, next day she started texting him he was getting annoyed coz she was texting alot he said he blocked her number so she could not contact him anymore (whatever he deleted everything so can't even see if that's a truth) I'm obviously Pissed off he has form for doing this however this is his explanation- he claims when work gets super busy (there are times when he works 3-4 days straight with 4-6 hours sleep) that he needs some sort of distraction to take the edge of the stress, he has only ever gone online before on hookup sites ext has never met anyone irl, this I feel is a step to far, his job means he has access to a lot of female attention he has never taken up on any flirtation b4 this, Idon't know what to do my trust is broken and to be honest I am physically emotionally and mentally exhusted, I'm on the brink of a complete break down advice pls x

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 27/10/2018 15:37

He’s talking shite, but you know that really. If there are no DC involved I think you need to move on. There’s nothing in his character that could balance this sort of crap.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2018 15:39

If there is no trust there is no relationship. Make this man your ex; he is inherently untrustworthy and cannot be faithful to you.

Original poster
Cherrypop88 · 27/10/2018 15:46

We have 2 dc, usally I would be doing the whole fight for my relationship thing but if I'm honest I no longer have the energy to try- he said he loves me and that no one will ever take my place that no matter what I am the one who he comes home to........

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 27/10/2018 15:51

This is awful for you and your children. He is a sh**. It’s very hard to do but don’t be a mug, you deserve better. Get rid of him, you will be constantly living in your nerves otherwise as the trust is gone

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2018 15:51

He is not a good person nor a decent role model for your DC. You should never fight for a relationship; that is one relationship lesson that you need to unlearn. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

He is just telling you that he loves you (such men only love their own selves) to shut you up and be the little woman indoors for him.

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

ElspethFlashman · 27/10/2018 15:52

As in.... No matter who he sticks his knob in, he'll come home and try to stick his knob in you too?

How flattering. Hmm

Please get an STI test.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2018 15:55

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

He is not worth any more of your time let alone so called fighting for.
He has cheated and his behaviour too has escalated from online activity to actually meeting them. If there is no trust, there is really no relationship now.

Original poster
Cherrypop88 · 27/10/2018 15:56

Finances - I can take care of myself and kids.
I just don't want a failed marriage, I want him to want it more than all this cr*p he keeps pulling

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrypop88 · 27/10/2018 15:59

When I speak with other women and they tell me about this kind of situations in theier own lives I say the same thing - he's not worth it ext ext, I just can't seem to listen to my self , you all have valid points I shouldn't be worried if I upset him I shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 27/10/2018 17:06

Where is the ‘bar’ of what you will put up with. If this was your child what would you expect them to put up with? Sometimes when you make these comparisons the realisation of what has happened really becomes apparent. He obviously doesn’t want it more or he wouldn’t do it to you or the kids. He does it because he can. He was not going to be open and honest with you and he has given a lame excuse. Not that you need one, it’s blatant. Sorry if this comes across as brutal

RatUnholyRolyPoly · 27/10/2018 17:17

You can live with this is you want, but how much can you take? How many times do you have to feel that gut punch before you're completely numb inside? Sure, it will always be you be comes home to, but what will be left of you if he keeps playing away? A hollow shell?

You can fight for a relationship when it's one mistake and the future looks bright, but if that relationship is going to bring you pain after pain (and it sounds like even your dh acknowledges it will) then you can't fight yourself to not be ground down by it. Try by all means, but if you do find it wearing you out and leaving you empty, be sure to leave before you have no energy left to walk out and no self-esteem left to see you through. It sounds like you might already be there.

Minionmomma · 27/10/2018 20:39

You know it’s over. He doesn’t respect you and so what is there to fight for really? You’re worth so much more than this pathetic excuse of a partner. He’s sucking the life out of you.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2018 20:42

I'm sorry I got stuck at he records his calls? He records all his phone calls? Why?

And he's cheating yes. You know this.

Maelstrop · 27/10/2018 22:34

He’s never going to change so you’ll never be able to trust him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/10/2018 22:37

The marriage has already failed - he’s failed it.

To stay would be to accept failure and compound it.

Gemini69 · 27/10/2018 22:51

however this is his explanation- he claims when work gets super busy (there are times when he works 3-4 days straight with 4-6 hours sleep) that he needs some sort of distraction to take the edge of the stress, he has only ever gone online before on hookup sites ext has never met anyone irl

this is the biggest load of bullshit I ever read..... he's a DICK Flowers

Gingerlover2 · 27/10/2018 23:25

Firstly I would ask yourself why you're willing to tolerate being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a cheat?

Why are you willing to tolerate him walking all over you and your kids?

He will do this again and again and again because he knows he can roll out the 'You mean so much to me' line and you'll fall for it ( I don't think for one minute you believe him, you are just too scared to deal with what's in front of you)

Does he really think that because he 'comes home to you' that is enough to justify him cheating?

I appreciate with children it's ten times harder to leave but this will eventually turn you and your children in to nervous wrecks.

He has zero respect for all of you.

notapizzaeater · 28/10/2018 00:39

Is this what you'd be happy for your children's partners to do ? So why do you think it's alright for him to do it to you ?

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