When the past weighs too heavily ......

[apintofharpandapacketofdates]

I don't know what a healthy, respectable relationship looks like. My marriage was awful. He was (still is) a very selfish, entitled, passive aggressive man.

I was too codependent and accepted far too much of his shit attitude and behaviours for a long time. I made myself ill trying to keep a semblance of normality for us and the kids.

I accept that I made bad choices, that I was far too accepting of the shitty end of the stick. I do believe I had good intentions behind those choices though.

Our marriage was sexless. For ten years. I gained weight and lost my spark. Constant and sustained rejection just broke my heart.

I'm two years apart from him but in many ways I feel too ugly, too broken, too dull to be of interest to anyone. At 43 I personally believe I have almost no value on the dating scene.

My beliefs about myself make me sad though. If I believe it, I manifest it. I can't seem to find the switch to turn on the charm, sensuality etc and am so devastated.

What can I do? I have been so unlucky but don't want it to ruin my life. I've almost no money and have been left high and dry by ex several times over the last few years.

Sorry for long post. I do want to get better but I look in the mirror and want to cry. Every day.

Join a library, read books on self esteem. Join a club and meet people. Do some exercise. Don't date in your current situation until you deeply believe that you are lovable.

A friend of mine has just met someone, she's 62. Had a time on her own after previous relationship ended, life goes on, grab it.

Stop thinking about blokes and relationships, work on getting fitter, making friendships , your looks, Reading , anything really that isn’t ‘finding a rekationship’ Focussed.

Cut yourself some slack. You are amazing to have got to this point. Forget dating. Join some social activities - volunteer, go to church (if that suits you), join a fitness class or walking group, or an evening class. Be nice to yourself. You are only 43, you could do all sorts of things.
You are probably attractive, intelligent and approachable, and a lovely person.

Thanks. I'm not ready for a relationship (I accept that) and I think it's a desire for someone to give a shit that is causing the upset.

Totally agree I need to expand my life. I work FT, have 3 kids, I volunteer, meet friends, am in a support group for people in similar situations...Not sure when I'd find the time tho!!

I think I can be encouraged that I'm on the right track, given your responses. I've loathed myself for so long and it's causing a lot of pain. I just wish I was someone else, basically!

I'm told I am warm, witty, clever, gracious and calm. I'm surrounded by a LOT of goodwill. It's lovely. I am incredulous though.

This is the hangover from your ex. Have you thought of counselling? At the very least you need to work on your self esteem.

Both of My marriages were awful and when I met my fiancé I didn't know what's normal relationship was. I have learned over the past two years how to be and allowed myself to be loved and cared for. I knew what to expect in an abusive relationship, to expect to walk on eggshells or be hit but this has been difficult but it's also amazing.

I think it would help to unpick your experience with a really good therapist, OP.

Yours so young still. You’re not damaged. You just need help to recover.

OP, you are clearly intelligent and self aware and quite placid if you could put up with that shit , these are all much sought after things in relationships, beyond a certain age it really isn’t all about looks and for those who it is, I don’t think you would want to go down that road anyway. Seriously you sound fab , it’s always nice to have people who give a shit but you can get that in other ways , not just relationships . Every time you think this way, Just think of stuff you can do now without being answerable to anyone , charm and sensuality might not naturally be your kind of thing but that’s ok because that’s you!! Seriously keep off On line dating if you are feeling vulnerable, you need to have a thick skin and be feeling ok about yourself or you will be vulnerable to twats!!

Hey. I'm 5 years older than you and about to move into my new house. I'm seeing a wonderful man but it's still early days and after what I went through with my abusive ex, I won't stand for anything other than a wonderful man. I'd rather be on my own than with the wrong person. It took a few months of meeting men on online dating sites to find this one. Some of the other guys were nice enough but knew they weren't for me. I'm glad I persevered and if it doesn't work out with this guy, I'll go back to OLD again after a time.

Awh. What about taking some more time for yourself and getting a personal trainer.

Don't think there is any magic cure but

Illegitimi non carborundum

don't let the bastards grind you down.

Ww2 quote and recently used in the Handmaids tale, not my own but I have thought of getting it tattooed on me because it's true

It is hard though. Just keep fighting for a better life.

Also many variants of that quote incase someone says that not correct

I would also recommend to see a counsellor to talk through your issues. In reality all of the bad stuff is probably in your head.

You have a lot to offer when you’re in a good place to offer it. Don’t let your last relationship define you - easier said than done I know!

Thank you so much for sharing your perspectives and experiences... it gives me hope.
I've had counseling on and off for years. I was on medication for the entirety of my marriage, give or take. I no longer take medication and am doing ok. I suppose it's hard to see progress when you're in the thick of it.

Some of your comments jumped out at me:

Yours so young still. You’re not damaged. You just need help to recover
(This made me well up! Bent not broken)

I have learned over the past two years how to be and allowed myself to be loved and cared for
(I hope that's what I'm doing now)

I will never ever be with a man like my ex ever again. Just knowing that sets me free
(Great way of looking at it!!)

don't let the bastards grind you down
(my dad's favourite!!)

I walk for 30-40 mins 5 days a week. I do other exercises at home. I dance doing the dishes. I wobble like hell, but hey, I'm only traumatizing the kids 😂😂

You're doing well.

Someone I know (very well) was completely demoralised by her relationship but at 46 she somehow managed to rise above it. Like you, she danced at home, did other exercises, walked wherever she could, walked upstairs rather than take lifts.

By the time she was 47 she was a new woman, she looked beautiful. She was nice too. Men who hitherto had ignored her started creeping out of the woodwork.........

You're on the right path.

Wow! You're so busy, you fit so much into your life, all that working, walking, exercising, looking after 3dc, AND dancing! You make me feel guilty (she says, full of pizza, slouching on the sofa in front of X Factor). You're out of the marriage, you've got the kids, now just look forward to a bright future, not backwards! It takes time, but you'll get there.

I could also write your post and am on the right track I feel. The thing that made a huge difference to me was reading the 12 steps for codependency book and doing the exercises. Best therapy ever. Do it- you won't regret it.

I'll look up that book. Thanks for the recommendation!

Rebecca that made me smile ...