Should i get in touch with old best friend?

[bla983]

Hello. I am hoping to get some advice about whether to take a risk and reach out to the best friend I ever had or not...

I'm 35 and not very social or good at making friends, ultimately I am quite lonely. I've been recently thinking a lot about my best friend from university. We shared a flat for a few years and she was the closest friend I've ever had, we shared a lot of niche interests, but also from the moment we met, we just clicked.

I lost touch with her, the reason for this is because I met a boyfriend who didn't "approve" of our friendship, he didn't approve of me going out with any female friends really, especially as this usually involved dressing in a way he found unsuitable, he was a bully and controlling and thankfully is now an ex. Although this is the real reason we lost touch it fills me with shame, and I know its not really a "good enough" reason for cutting out a good friend. I acted terribly, I shouldn't have been taken in by an idiot boyfriend - I should have prioritized her and our friendship - and I'd give anything to undo it. Unfortunately at the time, we were all in our early 20s and the fact that I was a bad friend was gossiped about a lot by the wider group at university, some gossip true - i am very ashamed but i was "in love" and listened to the idiot so I did act badly - and some not true and highly exaggerated but ultimately its far too late to dispute now. I 100% own the fact that in "abandoning" her at his wishes I caused hurt, and honestly I've never forgiven myself.

Its now over 10 years later and we're all adults with jobs and lives. I was feeling really sad about not having her in my life and so looked her up online and found an online profile. I'd like to reach out to her online and just say hello, in the hope she might respond and we might at least be able to chat and not be "strangers". But I am just so scared, have I left it too late? (almost certainly!!), what can I say now except from sorry? Her blanking me would honestly really hurt me, even though i deserve it. I have only found her on LinkedIn - would it be too weird to connect on there and send a message?

She is much more social than me, so I think the loss has affected me more in the long term. I am 80% sure she'd just ignore any attempt I made to get in touch, after all I dropped her for a man and that is bad. But if there is even a tiny chance she'd be interested in just saying hello I am willing to swallow my pride and apologize wholeheartedy

What do you think? Take a chance or admit I blew it and try to forget about the whole thing?

If you think i should just admit I blew the friendship do you have any advice on forgiving myself? For one reason or another I'm suddenly feeling very sad about this and brooding on it a lot. I haven't found anyone else before or since that I've had so much in common with, it just makes me so sad that I ruined it all.

Thanks for any advice, even if its just to forget about it all and move on, I think I need to hear it either way

I think you’ll always wonder if you don’t at least try, you do have to be prepared that she may not reply though.

Go for it. You economy got nothing to lose.

*You've

There's another thread running about poster who was recently contacted by a friend who'd dropped her. The problem in this case was that old friend popped up breezily acting as if nothing had happened and the intervening years hadn't passed.

In your case you are clearly genuinely remorseful and know what your mistake was. If you contact her, tell her what you've told us. Don't try and just slip back into the friendship but let her know you miss her, you regret your behaviour and leave the option to renew the relationship at her door.

For what it's worth, I once treated a friend quite badly, I tried to apologise later on and she chose to ignore me. I'm not proud or pleased by any of it but felt better for doing my part and was able to let it go more easily after apologising.

I think you should be aware that she would ask why now? If the reason is because you're a bit lonely then it might look like it's because you need something from the friendship which you didn't when you lost contact, therefore it's really more about you than her. This night put her off and hurt you more.

Could you spend a bit of time socially with new people eg new club or activity, to build your confidence a bit before trying? That way it might come across more as your wanting to get in touch than needing to

Life is too short, just contact her and explain how you feel. Fwiw I lost touch with a very good friend and contacted her on her 30th birthday to say I had been thinking about her and I wished her well, I got quite sentimental (she knows I've always been like this), but I never got a response. It was sad and I was cringing a bit but at least I know that I'd tried, so no regrets.
Just go for it x

I agree with a PP, life is too short. If you don't contact her you will always wonder what the outcome would have been.

I lost touch with my oldest childhood friend for a while when we were in our twenties. Unlike you, there wasn't any particular reason, we both just got busy with our own lives. I got contacted her, apologised for losing touch, she did the same, and almost 20 years later we are still really close friends, and have had the most amazing, memorable, fun times together over the years. We have also supported each other through some tought times.

I did exactly the same thing. Married an abusive controlling man and cut off two close friends because he didn't approve.
After I left him, i contacted one of them and went round to see her and apologised. It was never the same again partly because of my behaviour but also because we had changed so much over ten years.
The second friend I have not found. I have seen her briefly around my town but she is not on social media. It is a massive regret of mine that I lost a good friend I had so much fun and good times with in my twenties. Who knows if we would still be friends now but I would like the opportunity to say sorry to her.
My advice is go for it. Send her a message x

One of my good friends dropped me when her emotionally abusive boyfriends look issue with our friendship. It was disappointing, but I never blamed her — I blamed him. When she got back in touch with me I was pleased to hear from her. We’ll never be close again (she’s too ashamed, I think) but it was nice to sort things out. Hopefully your friend will see the situation for what it was and be open to reconciliation.

If nothing else at least you'll be able to apologise, and perhaps put her mind at rest if she is the type to suspect the rift may have been partly her fault (unlikely in the circumstances you describe but some people have an over-developed guilt complex, er, not me of course ).

I did the same thing. We were best friends at school, lived together for a bit, etc. Although I reached out quicker (like a couple of years after stopping contact). She completely ignored my messages.

I still think do it anyway. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Don't set high expectations. It might hurt if she doesn't reply or bats it off but you'll get over it and know what's what then. In my case I had exposed myself a little bit emotionally, And was also willing to ignore the mean spirited things she had done at the time....so the lack of response was just confirmation that I shouldn't be worrying it any more.

If you know the rejection will hurt you, though. Look after yourself and leave it.

As PP have said, life’s too short for what if’s. Give it a try and see what happens but make sure you do apologise for how the friendship was left before.

Thank you all so much for your responses and for sharing your experiences. It's really helping just to talk (write!) about this rather than just brooding on it.

xsahm you make such a good point - why now? If I am honest it probably is because I am feeling a bit down and isolated at the moment, and really craving female friendship. Also feeling a bit nostalgic for times gone by I guess. Though this is something I've felt bad about for years I think i'm finally in a place where I can accept that yes, it was my fault, I acted badly, she shouldn't have been able to guess the real reasons behind it all and wait around.

I think that I will send her a short message to say I've been thinking about her, I'm very sorry for the way I acted back then and if she'd ever like to catch up I'd really like that and here is my number? Then just leave it in her court. Or do you think I should try to explain my reasons as well as saying sorry in an initial message?

I do need to be prepared that she wont reply but hopefully like a few of you have shared the fact that I've apologized will help me draw a line under it all

I think I should also look into joining a club or something, and maybe reach out to some ex-work-colleagues to see if they'd like to have lunch or a coffee. I do tend to only meet people through work and then when one or other of us leaves the friendship dies as we no longer have work in common - so a club of some kind might be good. I don't have children so I don't have other nursery or school mums I could chat to.

OP, contact her and be honest. Say what you have said here to us, tell her its one of your biggest regrets and that it would be lovely to just reconnect over a cup of coffee. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Good luck.

Would be very interested to hear whether the OP contacted her old friend?

I don't think there's any harm in contacting her- what've you got to lose? You can apologise, explain to her the circumstances, that your boyfriend was controlling etc, and say you'd love to meet her for a cuppa etc.

At the very least, you might feel better for apologising. Best wishes xxx

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