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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend addicted to Cocaine

24 replies

Unknooown · 27/10/2018 01:46

I remember at the start of our relationship he told me he used to do Cocaine, but that he hadnt taken it in about 10 years.. i soon found out that wasn’t the case.. it links together, drink and drugs also gambling... (large amounts of money) ive never drank or anything, but a few months ago he drank some alcohol with me he called his also addictive friend and we went to his house, they were both drinking and taking cocaine I had to sit there the entire night watching the one i love do that to himself, i sat there crying the whole night, it didn’t phase him at all, he continued, he would continue the same cycle, then last night was his bday/ our anniversary, he wanted to drink a couple beers, I thought ok I tried to make sure he was in my sights at all times.. wasn’t the case... we went back to the hotel room, he was taking cocaine, i was trying to sleep, but turned round, to him with a large amount of cocaine on his phone screen it broke my heart and i got so angry i threw it on the floor, and threw his phone, i left the room and called his brother who spoke to him and told him to get me a taxi home, so he did and he went home too, after he dropped me hed turned his phone off and his brother said he hadnt come home, i went back to the hotel room thinking hed be there (i just need to know if hes okay and safe not doing anything else) he wasnt, all i could think was he was at his friends probably drinking and doing more cocaine, i cant leave him i feel a sort of responsibility like i cant leave him especially when hes like this, he has no money left due to gambling etc... he tried breaking up with me saying hes an addict its not fair on me etc, but i didnt let him walk away, so we remained together, i was just womdering if theres any help i could get him, a phone number ANYTHING? He cant afford rehab but if there’s anything else that can help him, we wanted to get married, have kids, buy a house, but obviously he needs to sort himself out first ! Especially as whenever he takes cocaine or gambles i always feel so guilty!! Like if i didn this, that wouldn’t habe happened then he wouldnt have gambled, or then took drugs etc, like the reason i called his bro last night was because it’s happened so much recently! And I couldn’t go through seeing him in that state again, but then as soon as we were in the taxi I instantly regretted it, and the fact he didn’t arrive home and turned his phone off made it worse, i shouldnt have told his bro, because now i cant keep an eye on him or know if hes okay or not ...

OP posts:

mummysharkdododododo · 27/10/2018 01:56

You can't help someone who doesn't want help, and your boyfriend is clearly happy doing what he's doing.

None of this is your fault. You cannot feel guilty, blaming yourself for him doing drugs and gambling.

He will still do it and find ways to fund it even if you weren't there.
He knows you don't like the fact he does cocaine, but still does it in front of you? He doesn't respect you, sorry

NotTheFordType · 27/10/2018 02:58

Do you have children with this idiot?

If so, join Narc-Anon and encourage him to join NA

If not, just leave him to it, explore with a therapist why you've felt you have an obligation to stay and how you can avoid that in future.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2018 03:09

Dump him now before he totally destroys your life. There is no other option.

Angrybird345 · 27/10/2018 07:50

Just walk away.

Minionmomma · 27/10/2018 08:08

Let this relationship go. There is nothing you can do for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2018 08:08

This is about you as much as anything else; you are choosing to remain with this person currently for your own reasons.

You are both a rescuer and saviour in this relationship but he neither wants you to rescue and or save him. You are also his enabler and codependent in relationships (you're putting his needs always before yours and feel responsible for him) and being this is not healthy for you at all; you are basically being dragged down with him. Read up on co-dependency in relationships; this is you to a tee. You will destroy your own self here by trying to rescue him as you are doing.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; did you see similar at home?.

You are too close to this to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help at all. He does not want rehab and no rehab facility would take him because he is not serious about giving up his addictions.

Walk away now before you get ever more hurt and overinvested. There is only one way this will go and that is down. And you will be further dragged down with him.

Bananalanacake · 27/10/2018 08:56

Why should you care. You're not his mum. Hope you are not giving him money.

lovetherisingsun · 27/10/2018 09:11

Oh, gosh, I feel for you. But you can't save him. He has to want it himself.

Lordsuggsfailure · 27/10/2018 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

flossietoot · 27/10/2018 09:16

How very sad. Walk away- stop trying to rescue him. Don’t throw your life away.

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/10/2018 09:25

OP, you sound like a lamb to the slaughter. He's an addict. None of it is not fault. There's no future, there's no kids, house or marriage. That was all just wishful thinking.

You need to educate yourself on addiction. Go to Narc anon etc

fluffycatinahat · 27/10/2018 09:27

Leave him he needs to sort himself out before he can handle a relationship

dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 09:28

You cant drive his recovery. He is ultimately in control. If you want to stay with him then you need to be prepared to keep him at arms length somewhat to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Addictions are chronically relapsing conditions, so this may be the rest of his life (on and off). You can't know if he will be someone who frequently, infrequently (or never) relapses until it happens. But he is relapsing now. So it ain't the never one.

I have a friend who had a cocaine addiction. He's been clean for about a year or two. He relapsed multiple times over the first few years for short periods. He has never drank as hes always been more into other drugs...so a trigger for a lot of people isn't one for him. He is a lovely bloke. But he certainly isn't someone I would recommend anyone ever risk living with, etc (despite being funny, intelligent, very kind, attractive, etc).

I don't have any experience of gambling addictions but that just puts exclamation marks on anything involving money

I would be running for the hills. It sounds like it's relatively early in the relationship and you also sound like you're at high risk from taking on the role of fixer rather than partner

Babdoc · 27/10/2018 09:33

Lordsuggs, your post is very ill mannered. Attila always gives well considered, thoughtful advice on MN. What evidence do you have for your scornful opinions?

faeriequeen · 27/10/2018 11:19

Leave, and quickly. Only go back if he is clean for 12 months or more, and joins a support group.

pointythings · 27/10/2018 11:24

You can't protect him. You can't save him. Only he can decide he wants to change. He's an adult and he is responsible for his own bad decisions.

You are responsible for your life and your decisions. Staying with this man and having a family with him would be a really bad one. Walk away now, go and find a support group to help you through your issues around codependency and make a fresh start.

My H was an alcoholic. We had a family when it started so I stayed - for far too long. Last year I threw him out and initiated divorce proceedings, and this summer he died. We have our sorrows, but my DDs and I have a happy, healthy life together now. That could be you - but not with this man.

TheSageofOnions · 27/10/2018 18:03

Get this totally worthless individual out of your life now. He won't change (why should he?) and he will make your life together a living hell. Dump him now and find someone better (not difficult).

dirtybadger · 27/10/2018 18:19

Just re-read and when responding had forgotton that you said he admitted to doing it 10 years ago.

If he hasn't figured it out after 10 years....!!

notangelinajolie · 27/10/2018 18:28

It's not worth the faff OP. He won't change - he is a selfish addict and he's on course to self destruct - if you stay with him he will drag you down and deny you the chance of a nice life. Even if he stopped the cocaine there will still be the drunken nights with his friend who will probably still be doing cocaine. And if that isn't enough what about the gambling ….

He isn't your responsibility. Leave him and look after yourself

colditz · 27/10/2018 18:32

It doesn't matter how much you love him, how much he loves you, he loves cocaine more, and cocaine hates you competing with it.

Topseyt · 27/10/2018 18:34

Dump this loser, because loser is what he is.

He doesn't want saved or helped and he will render your life hardly worth living.

Original poster

Unknooown · 27/10/2018 18:54

I just want to say i didn’t expect so many messages! But im so grateful for all of them, ive looked into codependency and i 100% get that i have it, im leaving him its breaking my heart, as i know behind his addiction hes the best guy ive met, but I understand its what has to be done, thankyou again to everyone who has replied !!

OP posts:

twilightsaga · 27/10/2018 21:00

From my personal experience with this issue with an ex, the best advice is RUN!! You won't 'save' him and don't DO NOT have children with him please. If you don't run now you will regret it in years to come

dogletsrock · 27/10/2018 22:24

My husband is an alcoholic. It has been a very long and hard road for both of us to get to the stage where he is sober. It will never end as he has to work hard everyday to maintain his sobriety. The sad thing is you don’t realise it’s happening until it is so bad you can’t ignore it. That or you don’t want to acknowledge it. I have learnt, I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I can only look after myself. Until he is ready to find help nobody can help him. If you keep rescuing him he won’t need to get help. I don’t want to sound harsh but that is the reality. You are not responsible for him.

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