Breaking up mid 20s when you own property together

[Georgiedoyle92]

i all, looking for some advice and hopefully support. I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and we bought our own flat a couple of years ago. At the time friends warned me that buying so young wasn’t a good idea as relationships can obviously change quite a lot and of course buying with someone is a big commitment. He is a good boyfriend and a nice person but over the past few months I have realised that I am just not in love with him and haven’t been for some time. I think I have been denying this to myself for a good while because I want this not to be the case - as I’ve said he is a nice and kind person and would make a good dad one day, and part of me thinks I take for granted these qualities. However, it’s got to the point now where I feel myself bristling when somebody innocently and casually refers to me as his ‘mrs’ and I feel uneasy and dishonest when talking about him as someone that I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I understand that the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever and that relationships can become boring as we become familiar with our OH but this is more than that. I just want to live an honest life even if it’s one that is more difficult financially. Not sure what I’m expecting anyone to say other than has anyone been in this situation at a similar age, and how have you navigated it? If we didn’t live together or didn’t own our house things would be easier, but if I was honest with him it would mean continuing to live here and putting the house on the market together and seeing each other every day for the next god knows how many months. I don’t have family or any really close friends nearby who I could stay with unfortunately.

I think it's the same at any age. You need to make the decision to leave and do it. It will be easier now than ten years down the line.

I broke with my ex of six years at 26. Heartbroken at the time but best decision I ever made as both of us were miserable. We changed and grew apart.

In any case you need to be fair with how you work out the dynamics ie who buys who out, who takes what items etc. I was extremely fortunate we drew up an agreement pre purchase about who paid in what so we both got our money back plus split the equity. We also kept it civil and didn’t involve lawyers which meant maximum money for both of us. I’d only ever advise that if you have that legal agreement in place and if you can 10000% trust each other to do the right thing by each other. If not, involve legal help to protect your share of the assets.

The rest you have to suck up until you get back on your feet / have sold the house or have a big enough deposit for your own place. There’s always moving home temporarily, renting or room shares, or if you’ve no one close by could you make or afford an agreement that whilst the house sells you both pay the mortgage still but whoever stays covers the bills?

You’ve said you aren’t happy so don’t stay for the house - its bricks and mortar and they’ll be others. Break ups will always be tough but you’ll get through it and honestly coming out the other side of it, you’ll be much happier.

Hugs in the meantime x

Very sad business. Is there any way you can stay in the property, maybe rent out a room or something to pay his share? Just a thought. You may not want to stay there and prefer to have a new start with no memories of him.

It's good that this, if it has to happen, is happening now rather than when you are older and have x number of kids. You will move on.

All the very best to you.

I felt this way at a similar time in life with my now husband. We considered a split then but given how tricky it felt with owning a house together we didn't. We decided to work on it. We fell into a routine, our relationship remained comfortable and we rubbed along fine together. We rarely argued and enjoyed each others company but for me, looking back, the spark wasn't there. We are now 15 years in, still running along nicely, have 2 DC, but I'm not happy and I'm wistful for what could be. We are now addressing this lack of connection, although it is driven by me, he was very happy until I raised it all.

I don't regret my decision to stay and marry as I wouldn't have my DC if I hadn't. But if you don't have any, my advice is to fully address what's lacking, see if you can work at it if you want to, but if not, be bold. If you don't think you can get back what's lacking move on, it's the fairest thing for you both in the long run. You deserve happiness, as does he deserve someone who feels all the things they should for a partner. Good luck.