Not bad enough to leave but loveless marriage

[Unfortunatelyunfort]

I was looking through some old emails last night. One was after I had just had DC1, she was 6 weeks old, apologising to DH that I wasn’t spending as much time with him as before and trying to explain why he shouldn’t get annoyed with me if I didn’t BF the baby quick enough and preferred to get myself a drink first (back then he developed a phobia of the baby crying, so I was not only running around trying to look after my first baby, I was also trying to protect DH from the sound of the baby crying )

We’ve since had 3 DC in 3 years. I don’t know why I kept having children with him, because he is just not that engaged with us all as a family, or rather not engaged with the difficult work of looking after a family.

He likes having DC. He likes the good bits. He’ll do the good bits. And when he’s forced to do the harder bits he’ll do them badly or cut corners. Like just shouting at the DC til they do what he wants. Or leaving out key parts of their routine like not bathing them, or brushing their teeth or just putting them to bed in their day clothes at 4pm, so he can get them to sleep quicker and out of his hair so he can watch tv.

Until two years ago he was the main earner, and that has now levelled out. In the coming 2 years I will be the main earner.

He is out of the house a lot, doing hobbies, seeing friends, and helping his mother who lives 2 hours away.

I’ve thought for a long time about leaving him but it has never been so bad that I would put myself in a situation where i’d struggle financially as I know for sure that he would get nasty if I tried to leave (her lawyer’s involved, try to get full custody, hide money etc.)

I already find myself in a narrative with him where everything is my fault. Eg if only I was more affectionate then he’d be home more. If only I was more up for sex then he wouldn’t be so frustrated and bad tempered.

We barely see each other. We are ships passing in the night. Mainly because he believes he should be allowed to do whatever he wants, and because I am just so angry with him I am totally cold around him.

I am mostly home with the DC while he is out. He gets in and goes to bed. We have a nanny and when she comes to take the DC we do our separate things and separate work unless we are invited somewhere together and those times are forced to temporarily forget the resentment to save face and we find some semblance of our old connection back. But it quickly goes away.

I find myself in the position where I contribute 80% and he contributes 20%. I should leave but I don’t Want to let go of that 20% as I know that it could be much worse, and I see threads on here from single mums who are really struggling - financially, emotionally, physically. I need that 20% right now even though I am so, so angry with him.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Is there a point at which you do actually leave? Maybe when the DC are older?

What do you get out of this relationship with your husband who frankly sounds awful and abusive not just towards you but his children also. What do you think when he shouts at them till they do what he wants, where are you when all that is happening. I do not think he contribute anything of value to any of you so where did this 20% come from. He just wants to shout and otherwise dominate you all and that is abusive. This man puts more priority on his work, mother and friends with you people well down his pecking order. I would not be at all surprised if he was to make any aspect of you separating from him as difficult and protracted as possible. This is who he really is, an abuser. The longer you stay too, the harder it will be for you to leave.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from the two of you here?. You cannot use these children as a reason to stay with this man nor can these children be used as the glue to keep you and he together. Please do not continue to do your bit here to show them this awful example of a relationship. Would you want them to have such a relationship as adults, no you would not. It’s not good enough for you either. They are also not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

I would be speaking to both Women’s aid and the Rights of women organisation and further find out your legal rights.

Don't have any more kids with him.

No1 protect yourself. Leave when it makes sense for you. If you can continue to live with him until it's in your interests to leave then stick it out. Providing he's not abusive.

Take time to gather evidence about his earnings. All personal documents. But also get evidence that you are the main caretaker.
Who can give statements to support this. Teachers, doctors, dentist, coaches etc.

Make sure you are financially secure and able to leave.

I could of written all of this my self.
Only you know what’s best. But I can tell you I left (with the children) 13 months ago.
We were still sleeping in the same bed up until the day I left. Still hugging still having sex. Neither me or him quite believed I would follow through and leave.
But I did.
I cried so much. Sometimes still do.
And sometimes I think like you that I should of hung around for that 20% but I do know that that wasn’t good enough.
That I feel happier and liberated now.
The children are happier (and see lots of him)
This isn’t the life I planned. Of course it’s not.
But i trust it will be fine. And will come good again.

Feeling similar. My OH does a lot around the house, cleans car, mows lawn, cleans bathrooms and hoovers, (I work part time and do the daily grind chores -washing, cooking, waking everyone up, thinking about everyone’s needs- which is really getting me down it feels as though if I was ill no one would get up on the morning or get to school etc) he’s a lovely guy but I just don’t feel loved. He can be shouty and I hate annoying him, feel anxious that the children could make him cross at any time and he might blow up but he is trying to work on his temper. He’s not working, his parents support us. I feel angry that he is letting them do this, I feel trapped and disappointed. His idea of affection is squeezing my bum or boobs then he might hug me and go in for a kiss. The last time he told me he loved me was almost 2 years ago when I had a serious health scare. I am feeling bitter and resentful and I know I’m acting grumpy around him. We’ve been together for 24 years but I keep getting these feelings of doubt about us and then think of the devastation it would cause our children. This evening I got cross because he was sat at his computer all evening (did pop out to get our eldest from a friends) and i was starting to try and get our younger children ready for bed but I was not really doing a very good job of it and so I said “forget it, do as you please” I went upstairs and sat on my bed to read. He then stomps about and huffs and puffs( folded some washing and tidied kitchen ) gets little ones into bed quickly. I thanked him to try and start a conversation but he Plonks himself in front of the t.v but does mention how horrible I’ve been all day, I said “Yes, I feel miserable” he just replies “ Yeah you are”
I have not social life, everything I do revolves around what the children need and he is out 2 sometimes 3 nights a week. I’m so sorry this has been a long rant, I’m lonely, sad and feeling lost. I know I need to tell him how I feel but I don’t think he would know what to do or say. Xx

Is this how you want things to be for the next 40 years.... Obviously not.

For your own sake, and the children, cos u do everything anyway, leave and be happy.
This is not right. It's OK to admit your not happy and divorce...
Or give it one last big, make or break with counselling.

I think if you actually worked it out, would his share even reach 20%.

You sound so desperately unhappy that I think things would improve if you left because the stress of thinking and worrying about it takes up so much of your time.

Realistically, what level of access would he want, be able to manage? Do you have family and friends that can help support your decision?

OP this is a really tough decision. Are you able to talk about it in real life with someone? Or perhaps see a councillor? Sorry I can't help much, but I feel I am also in a very similar position. My head is all scrambled, I was thinking about seeing someone to talk to.

Very similar situation here. Married, two children. Husband out nearly every night and weekend doing his hobbies. Me in with the children. Was unhappy but not enough to leave - after all how could l afford it as l am PT.

The choice was taken away from me when he met OW and left last year.

Our absolute should arrive very shortly.

I've not posted here before but read your message and could have described myself. I've been married 15 years with 3DC. Over the years all my DH has done is put me down...he tells me I can't do anything properly apparently. I don't even close doors properly. The level of nitpicking was unreal.
Last summer I begged him to go counselling with me and he refused saying it was all in my head and if I stopped overanalysing everything things would be OK.
Then last Christmas he got me absolutely nothing for Christmas. Not a single present and nothing from the kids. I wish at that point I'd said it was the last straw and left. I know I am going to massively struggle financially on my own so I stayed.
Fast forward to this summer and I told him I was just so fed up saying I'm done and wanting to talk about splitting up. He refused to accept it saying that things will get better, I just needed to be less stressed. He said he'd do anything for me, he didn't want to lose me and things would get better. Now he keeps putting pressure on me to have sex and I'm not interested at all. I feel like things need to be better outside the bedroom before I can even think about sex. I'm just so lost.

Loocy

This was his intention all along; to give you spaghetti head and to make you feel lost. Joint counselling is never advised when there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Your H has done a right number on you and has gaslighted you incessantly (itself a form of psychological abuse) for many years now.

No decent counsellor would have ever wanted to see you two in the same room together because of the abuses he metes out towards you. You would not have been safe emotionally in those sessions so joint counselling would have been a complete and utter waste of time. If counselling is done here you need to go on your own and in your position too I would look into contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. You ultimately need to plan your exit from this non marriage and financial reasons are no good reason to stay either. Your children won't say to you "thanks mum" for staying with him either.

Like many abusive men, he has blamed you for everything because in his head its never his fault. If you look at one or both of his parents closely one of them acts the same as he does. Such people always heap the blame onto others. Also he is a master of manipulation here and continues to mess with yours and in turn your children's heads.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them; its no legacy to be leaving them. They cannot be used as glue to bind you and your abusive husband together. A loveless marriage should not and cannot become their norm too.

My ex husband was nowhere near as bad as your husband is, and the marriage still wasn't enough for me to stay - I ended it because I didn't love him in a sexual way any more (very much like he was my brother), and we had both changed as people, and he wasn't pulling his weight with our son - although he did way more than your husband (without shouting), and we definitely did things as family at weekends, although yes, we otherwise were like ships that passed in the night.

I left when son was 4 - why would I stay in a marriage where I wasn't happy (and probably neither was ex husband)? Like others say, he's abusive. But why does abusive doesn't have to be the benchmark for leaving - when there's no love left in a marriage, that's the time to go.

If you left him, he would still have to do at least 20%. I split with my ex and he has our dc two nights per week. He also takes them to school some days as we both work.

It's not perfect being a single parent, it can be hard and lonely. But my experience is that it's harder being in a bad relationship, I was far more lonely then. At least when you're single you gave hope!