HIV phobia

[Peony55]

hi everybody

I am really struggling. Since I was attacked about 8 years ago, I've had a really intense fear of HIV and over the years have had many tests, all of which are negative.

I am now in a relationship, and suddenly the HIV fear has surfaced all over again. What if my boyfriend has HIV?? We used condoms at the beginning of the relationship, but now we don't. I feel stupid for abandoning them, but its hard to tell your steady boyfriend that you think they may give you HIV. I've know him for almost a year, but the relationship only started about 3 months ago.

The fear has come back so strongly that I am thinking of ending the relationship, and waiting the 4 weeks to get tested again.

We did have a brief discussion about it in the early days, and he said he would be willing to go for a test, but we just didn't, I felt bad asking him to do that. As far as I am aware, he has only had two other relationships in the last 7 years (with women).

I just feel like I am going to be punished for being so reckless.

Can anyone help me to deal with this growing panic? I am so afraid, I can't function properly.

I think you should tell you b/f about your fear and why you have it and let him take the test, I'm sure he will understand. Don't throw away a relationship because of this. Maybe you need to see someone to deal with this, you're obviously still traumatised after your attack

If he’s happy to go and get tested, then let him. It’s sensible in new relationships (as well as for other STIs). If he’s negative and you trust he’s been faithful to you for last month, you don’t need to keep getting yourself tested. Repeat testing of yourself will continue to heighten your anxiety.

I would first talk with someone about your anxiety and get some support. It sounds like you may have PTSD and if managed, you’ll feel much better. Have you spoken with Rape Crisis in the past?

As for your concerns, just talk to him and make a plan to get tested together. I work in the sexual health field (and with people with HIV specifically), and it’s very normal for couples to come get tested together. Anyone who genuinely cares about you shouldn’t be offended by such a request. I’m married now but I used to get tested at the start of all my relationships. Hopefully then it at least helps you feel a little bit better.

And for what it’s worth, HIV is now very much a chronic condition. It’s not as scary as it used to be (though of course still very stigmatised). People with HIV live normal lives, have children who they conceive naturally with their HIV negative partners, have normal sex lives, etc. On effective treatment it’s also virtually impossible to pass HIV on to anyone else (there is no evidence in any trials to date that this has happened on modern treatments). So though anxiety isn’t rational, sometimes it does help to understand more about what seems so frightening, so it’s not quite such a scary unknown anymore.

You need therapy to overcome or better manage your phobia.

If you are really struggling and he is a nice person (and he agreed before) both go to the sexual health clinic and get a full check up (in the meant time use condoms, until you get your results). Does he know the origins of your fears?

To manage your concerns, it is wise to always ask partners to get a sexual health screen (both of you) before you ditch the condoms. Its not too late for him and you to be tested again.

If he is to be an ongoing partner, and he is a keeper, he won't mind.

Someone else has mentioned PTSD, I would also recommend reading up on OCD if you aren't familiar. I don't have health-related OCD but have suffered on abother topic before. If you find that you are obsessing, fixating, re-checking or seeking reassurance, they are all classic hallmarks of OCD. OCD is an anxiety disorders (just a very specific one) so if you feel like the world is going to end unless you can just (insert blank here), that would be another classic sign. What you mention about being reckless just rings so true to how I felt, I would urge you to look into this and see if it sounds like how you feel. HIV is a very common theme for OCD to latch on to. I had fantastic success with CBT but it is a horrible affliction. I hope you find some comfort soon.

Please don't dump your partner if you are otherwise happy; if you feel safe, open up to him about what you are going through and I'm sure he'll help you ride the worse waves of anxiety you are feeling.

Take care of yourself - you have done nothing at wrong and are not being reckless (quite the opposite).

Ada x

This sounds like you may be experiencing symptoms of OCD- health OCD. Have a read on the internet. If you think this may be the case then I’d suggest seeking some treatment. First port of call is your GP. Good luck OP.

First of all, so sorry you have these awful fears, and also that you were attacked.
Yes I have had this - as part of OCD - recently diagnosed but have suffered for YEARS with this and a wide array of other obsessive thoughts on and off. Like the other posters say if it is more that no matter how much you get tested you still don't 'believe' you could be negative, then it sounds close to health OCD. This is a tough condition but very manageable with the right treatment and it sounds like you had a very traumatic event which triggered this. Full sympathy for you. Worth looking up a website called 'intrusive thoughts' and seeing if anything on there fits. It was a game changer for me and I am now on treatment to help manage the fearful thoughts.

I have OCD too - different ‘themes’ but same consuming anxiety. I think it’s a good idea for him to get tested for all STDs as it would be with any new sexual partner, but when thts done any further testing would be the very tempting but counter productive assurance seeking so common in Ocd.

Definitely seek help for your anxiety/mental health. It can get better

I think getting tested with a new partner is perfectly reasonable (although perhaps less common than it should be). I'm sure your partner will be happy to go and get tested with you, especially if you explain your feelings.

That said, it does seem from what you've posted that you're experiencing some mental health issues following on from your experiences. I think it would be really helpful for you to speak to your GP about accessing further support. PTSD, OCD or anxiety disorder could all account for your health anxiety and you might find it really beneficial to consider your feelings more broadly than just the HIV issue.

You need therapy to overcome or better manage your phobia.

^^ This, or you will always want to run away.

I’m so sorry you had a terrible past experience OP.

It is a phobia you can work towards to ease or overcome. The smartest thing to do might be for you to both get tested before any sexual relations at the start of each relationship (I certainly do, and feel no reason to feel guilty about it either it’s just common sense!). At least you can put your mind at ease from the start, and if you are still anxious during the relationship there is always the matter of condoms!

There’s loads of resources about HIV out there which will give you more information, why don’t you give it a read up and understand the virus a bit better? You will come to find it’s not as scary as believed to be it is a disease that can be well managed and there’s treatment out there which means people can lead fairly normal lives! George house trust is a good site to start with.

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to me.

I think you are all right, I have a lot of unresolved issues. Its hard to explain without sounding totally insane, I don't even understand it all myself.

I feel like I shouldn't be having sex, like its something dirty and shameful. I don't feel like that at the time, just afterwards. I do have a libido, and it frightens me. I try to tell myself sex is normal, natural and healthy, but I feel like a really bad person, and I am letting everyone down. I don't know what a professional would make of that.

I have been on my own for 9 years, since my divorce, and I crave having someone special in my life, and being normal like other people. But I don't seem capable of being that person, so I feel trapped in my own solitary life.

The OCD thing makes sense. Even if I read an article on HIV, I feel like that means I must have it. The logical part of my brain tells me there is more chance I don't have it than do, but still the emotional part is overwhelming.

Thank you all again, it has helped me feel a little less alone. I am going to tell bf that I don't want to make love without a condom, and if he can't cope with that, then he is not right for me. I will also bring up the subject of getting tested again. I've already been tested 3 times this year (I can't stop!), but will go along with him so its something we do together.

Peony xx