what the f has happened. Need advice as I can't think straight

[mumsville]

Sorry - this is a bit long but I think we're on the verge of an ugly split and I'm in a panic.Just don't know where to start.

Together 15 years and slowly but surely I've become a shadow of my former self and lost my culture completely (he from another eu country). His culture and family dominate everything.

Although he's been a good husband in the sense of hardworking he's very disloyal and puts his family first. Also very dependent on me to do all the admin the house (after 15 years his English is poor).

Following a miscarriage and subsequent period of not getting pregant I went for tests. He was happy about that until he was called for tests and found issues. We were plonked on the IVF waiting lists.

I looked long and hard at what we could do and reluctantly gave up work to give conceiving a really good shot. Still nothing and by now I'm a classic downtrodden housewife. Did a bit of temping and used the cash to drag (literally) on holiday where I get pregnant (yeah!). But even when pregnant he insisted on smoking so I spend most of my time in the bedroom. His family are way OOT so I asked that we have no visitors for the first 6 weeks. He bought MIL over at 4 weeks, she stayed three weeks and two were nasty and bullying to the point where DS stopped sleeping (only 8 hours a day) and my milk dried up as she was always barging in when trying to feed or wouldn't give him to me. She also interefered to the point where my husband watched me hobble around in agony (bust foot and csectoin) do the ironing and when I asked him to put away the shirts I ironed just sneered. I lost my respect for him as man at that point.

We have always had our differences but I'm concerned about the future for me and ds. He refuses to have any fun and 'sacrifice' is his main word (and I think he means me!)

DS now a year and we haven't moved on but today we had a really nasty slanging match and he's on more than one occasion suggested that if I don't like it I move out but ds stay with him. Just now I pointed out that I've tolerated alot including the fact that he gave me HPV when we first met and I've since had positive smears and laser treatment and that my chances of getting cancer there are higher - he's just told me he doesn't care and to fuck off out of his house.

I'm so scared and resentful as now I'm not at work how do I start again. And would you beleive it I've got a pt temp job interview coming up. But if I need to leave I would need to go and live in another town with my mum.

Could he run off with ds back to his country. Could he get ds his nationality passport without my knowledge?

Where do I start - I'm in such a panic that a 15 year relationship might be over. Also feel so guilty for ds.

Sorry this is rambling.

Just wanted to give you my sympathy, it does sound like you are having a tough time and it would be a good idea to find out where you stand financially. Someone will be along soon who might be able to shed some light on you ds' s passport and your rights. Hold on.

Get your ds a passport yourself and hide it.
He is a bully
You deserve better, it is illegal to take a british child out of the country I think without other parents permission but if you seriosuly think this is likely you get some legal advice
I am so sorry I have no real useful help for you but someone will... soon
Hugs for you

DS has a British passport but I don't want him to be a national of my dh country yet.

I just feel that dh is so ga ga over our long awaited ds that if we were to split and he didn't get custody there'd be a huge fight. I just find his ignorance on this frightening. I'm trying to save him from himself. He keeps mentioning divorce and I have to remind him that if I have to live with my mum that's over an hour's drive away. He can have access but he works all hours and has one day of a week in a weekday which would be useless once ds starts school. he doesn't understand the implications of what he's staying. He keeps saying I'm mad.

He was such a nice guy once and I don't understand all this.

I'm making an appointment at Relate for me (he won't come) as I do want to make this work and perhaps they can help me communicate with him better or see things from his point of view.

How about you give your ds's passport to your Mum to look after for now?

You need to talk to a lawyer. You really do. You need to find out where you stand.

your dh sounds like a bully,in fact saying that he will get custody of your child and that you are 'mad' are typical lines that abusive men spout.

i agree that you should get legal advice asap,and make sure he cant take your ds out of the country.

going to relate on your own is a good idea,but i think you have to ask yourself if you really want to stay with this man for the rest of your life.

I personally don't think he'll physically chuck me out but if get's worse (it hasn't got any better) I'll leave.

He really doesn't get it. My main gripe is that he doesn't know how to life. His background was harsh and his favourite word is sacrifice. My background was different with lots of travel and opportunities. I want that for my son.

We haven't been out since ds born and he won't contemplate it. It's 100% drudgery but I don't mind about lack of cash - I signed up to this plus I'm looking to work a bit (not much luck so far) but he makes me feel like I'm trying to spend too much money. Yep, I now buy all my clothes second hand and I've sold all my clothes that now don't fit on ebay to stick in ds CTF account just to make the most of what we've got. I'm a bloody cheap wife. He's paranoid that I want to spend my whole life holidaying. Not so and we've been on 5 holidays in the last 15 years (and we both had very good incomes). Yes we need to travel to see his family but to me the comprise is that we go there then they come here (so we can save cash and go away somewhere sometimes). Is that so unreasonable?

But now we just seem to hate each other. Befre we can get the relatoinship on track how do we get the respect back first.

I don't want a bloody war. But I do want my say.

As divastrop says, do you really want to make it work with him?

Isn't that impossible without giving up all of yourself just to appease him? Do you actually believe it is you that presents the communication difficulty? If not then there is nothing to be learned from Relate counsellors, not by you anyway. Maybe he'd benefit but I don't think you going alone is going to achieve very much at all.

And, if he did change, will you forgive his wicked comments? Does he deserve to be forgiven for making them and is someone who can tell you to Fuck off and that your are mad, someone you even want to forgive?

You know the answers but please don't let fear of the unknown paint a brighter picture than that which exists. Most bullies get worse and then the situation can become dangerously unpleasant. Please be careful and think of DS particulalrly in this.

I wish you well.

many thanks

He's normally quite passive. I'm the dominant one but I don't bully him, just watch his back (he's a bit of a mug). But as mentioned I have bent over backwards to accommodate him. I can learn from relate as I'm sure that getting moody and then very critical is not a great way to communicate my needs but when I communicated them normally they've been ignored. He doesn't understand the problem because 'I'm housed, fed and have a lovely son' but he doesn't get that being told what to do is not nice, no discussion etc, having my family and culture marginalised (my mum has to cook him food from his country on the rare ocassions we've gone to stay)and being last on his priorities is not nice either.

I feel like such a bloody failure for not stopping stuff sooner.

I will try relate and also go to CAB for legal advice. The thing is he's so incompetent that if we divorced he'd probably get himself really crap legal advice. I worry about the prat to be honest.

It's worth a try at least but you already sound very much as though you are taking huge responsibility for his actions. You also sound as though you are almost his caretaker. Weirdly, I was the 'carer' in a relationship in which I was being bullied.

Passive Aggressive?

My exdp was at once passive and ineffectual as well as aggressive and controlling.

Financial restriction is a very common bullying tactic.

I guess if you go to Relate and you improve your communication skills then you will know there is nothing more you can do.

Finally, remember that with a bully there is no 'right' way to deal with them/ communicate and all attempts fail. I hope that you will not find this to be true of your situation.

mumsville I've read the thread and will probably only mention one or two things rather than try to cover every aspect you've written. I hope that is okay.

You are not a failure for not stopping stuff sooner. Was it a bit by bit thing? If so, I imagine that's very hard to stop in its tracks. You do sound the capable one and perhaps he has felt a bit in awe of you and has pushed you down in the way he can. He smoked when you were pregnant so you spent lots of time in a room away from his smoke. The words I'd use for his behaviour aren't polite ones, I can tell you. And yet he thinks he is a good parent and is ga ga over his son? Puh. His words might say one thing, his deeds the opposite. I agree with the post that said for your son's passport to be kept safe by your mum. He won't go to Relate? Not surprising as he'd recognise for himself (if he doesn't already) what a bleep he's being. Between your four walls it might be okay for him to be king of the castle. Someone outside your immediate circle of you, him, ds and his family knowing and there'd be no hiding the fact that he is behaving like a bleep. So sorry that you're going through this but you are not in the wrong and not to blame. I wish you luck with Relate and the CAB. Please get all the help you can and deal with the situation in the way you want to with full advice and support. Good luck.

newlife

I never considered him a bully but yep I am the carer. I don't need care myself but I need a few of my needs met occassionally.

Interesting as he lacks confidence completely and is also ineffectual and I think he's in the middle of a depression.
I guess that could constitute a bully.

However, I'm no wallflower and I've got a sharp tongue so a bit of advice on how to handle things might be good for me.

I feel sorry for him that he's so unempowered in many respects but I make very few demands of him and stress comes from his work and family. I can't compensate any more than I do. And that's it. However, I don't take seperation lightly and there's any chance we can get on track I'll do but we've been so horrible to one another.

I always thought I could never fall out of love but that's what's happening. If he said he loved me I'd laugh in his face at this point.

Sorry, with the king of the castle bit, I meant for him to think himself the king as his family would agree wholeheatedly, ds is too little to disagree and he's pushed you down to such an extent that it's hard to square up to him, I imagine. Not showing concern for your wellbeing and happiness is such a powerful thing from someone who is your partner, I would think. It must be hard to come back from that. If others saw that, I would hope they'd let him know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is way out of order. Do friends and other family members see the way he treats you with their own eyes or does he either keep them away or put on an act in front of them? Sorry if I'm not being clear btw. I'm so cross on your behalf.

thanks simply

Yep it was bit by bit but he wasn't doing it deliberately and think we all ignore stuff we're not completely happy with in the name of 'lurve'.

The smoking. Well, I was a smoker until I was pregant and I guessed that put me off - him being complacent about the pregancy after all we went through to get to that point. But tbh I started again when MIL was here and my milk dried up. I felt so stressed (naturally I smoke first thing and last thing when ds asleep in cot and me outside). Not proud. But I don't blame him for my smoking again, i put the damned thing in my mouth.

From what posters are saying I need to take a long hard look at everything now. My health also in question - had a small skin cancer taken off just after ds born (it was meant to be taken off during pregancy but dh was so negative about my being selfish doing when pregant) but I've found another mole (in a place where the sun don't shine (!) so I'm a bit concerned) and this might be putting more pressure on us. I understand also that the first year of birth is the most stressful and I'm willing to consider that too.

DH comes from a culture where therapy is for cowards. We were given berevement counselling after miscarriage and I had to drag him there. So obstructive but it did help him!!

sorry for you mumsville,
haven't read al thread but one thing took my attention:
if you visit his family in his country and if he doesnt want to come back and keep ds there too, what will happen then?

Even though I separated from my dp. I can tell you it takes a long, long time to fall out of love so if you two both make improvements then it should be very achievable to re-ignite your loving relationship and make it a success.

Probably the reason I've been so negative in my response to your OP is that it seems so much as though you are being controlled despite what is perhaps a feisty, capable and independent in you. I am very capable myself. I'm a perfectionist and an achiever but it was all so very different with my relationship. I could do everything, even had the ability to shout and get angry but at the same time risked my life with what became a very violent bully in my case. Even when my dp had physically hurt me I was still able to be quite 'in charge' and strong around him.

Emotional control is an odd thing and really doesn't fit with common/typical ideas about what it is. It has taken me quite a bit of counselling and general living life without 'him' to see this.

I realise my experience is quite extreme but there are probably parallels there that might help you a bit while you try and sort things out with your dh whilst protecting yourself and ds. I hope so. I'm not anti men or relationships, quite the opposite so I do hope Relate is a help to you. What a shame you won't be going together though.

A few things.

Hide your DS passport. (keeping it at mums is a good idea)
Under the circumstances, DO NOT go on holiday to his home country, he may decide to stay, or worse, chuck you out, and even tear to pieces DS british passport.

You need to sign for him getting him a passport of his nationality, dont do it.

DO take legal advice.

IF you start divorceprocedings it will be unlawful for your husband to take DS out of the country.

Finally: DO NOT leave, not even for a few days, leaving your DS with him. Then you stand much less chance of getting custody if war breaks out.

Why dont you pack your bags and go stay with your parents for a little while, with DS.
Good Luck.

Many thnaks

All good advice that I should have known myself.

Don't think dh will do anything rash but he behaviour is symptomatic of other problems I think. I did feel powerless while staying with inlaws overseas but I was on my best behaviour. However, I'd be a fool not to ensure that ds and I are ok to remain together. I'd want dh to have access.

Newlife - you've hit the nail on the head. Very feisty and capable and always in 'control' or so I thought.

Have just emailed a good friend and have, for once, told her exactly what's going on. Had a good cry as I realise I can't keep burying head in sand. As I put in my email. I will try to work this out but there is a line and I need to work out whether it's been crossed.

Thanks so much - has helped more than you know.

mumsville I'm glad this thread has helped you. I hope you get a good response from your rl friend. She may be shocked initially, but hopefully she will be able to support you.