Can I change the locks?

[PhillyJoe]

There is a lot to say and I may start a thread for more general support but I wanted to get some quick advice. My stbx left a week ago to his parents. He turned up this morning shouting and swearing at me and threatening to kick me out, well telling me I had to get out. I called the police and they made him leave. He has the children at his parents but they were due to come back to me tonight. He has said I have to come get them if I want them. My issue is, I worry that he'll know I'm not home and when I get back he or his dad will be here and not let me in. We jointly own the home so I know he has a legal right to it as do I. Would I be doing something really wrong if I changed the locks?

Has be been physically abusive to you? It’s not too late to report him.🌺

He's never been physically abusive to me. In fact, until yesterday he hasn't really been directly aggressive. He is a very angry man but he would slam around and swear loudly in other rooms and not directly at me. It was definitely intimidating but seems harder to classify. He has a lot of other low level controlling behaviors but again nothing that is easy to prove - lots of criticism, disapproval, definitely gaslighting about his actions - I always overreacted and am just too sensitive.

Things were actually pretty good for many years before we had children but he changed when we had kids. Also he is okay when he has little stress but takes all stress out on me and recently the children. But this is all about being in a constant bad mood, grumpy, swearing in other rooms, shouting at the children and criticizing me. I knew it wasn't good but I'm really struggling to say it is abusive. I do feel so much freer now that he isn't here. I think I'm just very conditioned to try and avoid his anger. He has never hurt me so I can't totally understand why I've not been better at standing up to him.

Mary I'm booked to see a solicitor on Tuesday.

Philly you don't have to understand you just have to know. What he's doing is abusive, you threw many words in there that equate to abuse and explain your quizzical reaction to it. Someone can be controlling and angry, even not directed at you, lets you see very clearly his capabilities, like throwing stuff around, you see him losing control, apparently.
He can switch in an instant and you won't see the speed of it coming.
It is classic for things to get worse for you once there are DC. He can control through threat to them.
The fact you were so scared of what he would do should be your guide, thinking it through will struggle to make sense, but feeling what its like is your truth