Dating question - Am I doing it wrong?

[101trees]

I guess my question really is - why do the people I like, not seem to like me, and the people I like well enough but not in that way like me in that way?

Is my taste just wrong? Too picky? Should just go for the ones who like me (although I fear this feels like settling).

I have been online dating for a few years now... selection process includes the points below... not an official process but what I think tends to happen when scrolling through! (easier to say what not than what in some cases!)

*reasonable looking: I don't have hugely conventional taste or a particular type anyway, just in reasonable shape, nice smile, looks like nice-ish normal person.
*polite, respectful, actually seem interested in dating me!
*no topless / naked photos
*some sort of decent job
*some post school education
*no bitter comments in the 'about me' section (or 'school of life' comments; 'director' at I work for myself; or comments about 'baggage')
*doesn't come across as arrogant, either in photos or description or real life.
*has some hobbies and interests other than - likes nights in and nights out.
*no weird instagram filters
I like people who are warm, chatty and positive.

Am I somehow picking people who are not right for me?

How does everyone else manage it OK?! Seems like the hardest thing ever to find someone I would like to spend the rest of my life (or some nice evenings) with!

PS should have said... I'm early 30s, 1DC, divorced 4 years ago. Pretty normal in all other respects!

Are you giving it longer than one date? Some people want to feel a spark or chemistry on the first date.

With us guys sometimes that isn't easy to do over one or two drinks especially if we are a bit shy and take a while to warm up.

Which OLD sites are you on?

Are you actually meeting people, a spark is better assessed in person?

TBH the points in your criteria that i don't agree with picking at were:

*some post school education- I know plenty of people who didnt go to university who are highly intelligent and I know even more people who went to university who are oblivious/ ignorant of many topics
has some hobbies and interests other than - likes nights in and nights out.

*has some hobbies and interests other than - likes nights in and nights out. Unless there is a specific hobbie you want to share then I wouldnt pick at this.

Thanks for the reply - male perspective particularly appreciated!

To be honest, most of the time it doesn't even get as far as a date... I start chatting to people, all starts off fine, then the one's I am enjoying chatting to disappear and the other's take the conversation in an odd direction, or it becomes apparent they are after one thing only...

I have had some limited success - a few short term things for a couple of months, but for one reason or another they haven't worked out. Usually because I've felt I'm trying too hard to like them, if that makes sense.

thanks again!

Are you based in London too? London is brutal for OLD. Too many options and people think a better option might only be another swipe away.

I am looking for basically the same as you and feel I am pretty much all of the the things you listed in your criteria, give or take. Been OLD also for a good 3-4 years but have only ever met one person who progressed into a 6 month relationship - and that was basically because she was new to it so I was one of the first she swiped right on. Apart from that, 100+ odd dates that have not really led to anything in particular and if I do like someone then usually they will send the 'sorry no spark/no chemistry' message the next day.

Ooh replies! Thanks!

babygoose I've been on them all at some point or other! OKC; eharmony; Guardian soulmates; POF; tinder; bumble.

Funnily enough I've had the most success with tinder so far!

I'm currently only on Bumble.

onlyfools I guess they aren't a rule as such, more just a - something which seems appealing and is likely to make me say yes where I might have said no otherwise - hope that makes sense...

rich I'm not based in London no, but I am nearby in SE and so my search radius does pick up London.

basically I'm in the same situation as you I think! I just wonder how people manage it successfully...

I have tried the whole - joining clubs in real life thing too and either just met loads of married people, or the odd single person who I haven't felt was right.

Has anyone tried speed dating in London? I tried it once where I lived and thought it was a fun night out, but I live in a reasonable small place so was thinking I might have more successful in London?

I honestly don't know how many people do it either!

I've done the clubs and doing things out of my comfort zone as well over the past couple of months but still no luck really.

A few of my friends have recommended speed dating but I'm a bit shy myself so not sure I'd want to go to one of those kind of events alone.

my advice would be move from a nice chat to a meet up/drink quickly. Dont have to commit your whole evening to a stranger but meeting in person cuts out the time wasters a lot quicker.

You should probably cast a wider net, the instagram filters and hobbies could be too limiting, and also some people don't put their job and education on there.

How many people have you actually met? You spoke about your selection criteria, but what about what you put on your profile?

Also note that OLD is brutal, a lot of people are there because they are bored, not really interested in a relationship right now (even if they say they are), or always waiting for the better option.

No words of wisdom I'm afraid but I can commiserate with you.. was single for 7 years.. spats of attempting OLD mainly POF & Tinder, literally handful of dates. I also had same issues of the only guys who were keen (sometimes way too keen) I wasn't attracted to but the ones I were felt there was chemistry with were non-comital or complete time wasters. So disheartening, I wondered if it was something I was doing wrong. I gave up even looking for a couple of years only rejoined because I had little other opportunity to meet anyone & I hoped I might be one of the lucky ones you read about!!
Current DP is a friend of a friend known him 5 years it's early days but all going well so don't give up hope 

To be brutally honest, when reading your list of requirements (which is totally okay, there's no reason why you should compromise on any of them) I did think to myself that you'd be more likely to find a woman who fits this list than a man.

Thanks everyone !

Nottheford that's really interesting ! What would be more 'manly' attributes ?

Does anyone have any suggestions for what would be more suitable criteria ?

Someone said not post-school education which I can agree with I think and also the hobbies bit.

But what do people usually look for ? It's hard to determine other, more important, stuff like values, kindness etc from online dating profiles so I guess I end up looking at the more superficial stuff (as in the stuff in my OP).

Or do I just need to go on more dates in general ? More people do ask sometimes... but sometimes they can be scarily OTT with waaay too many compliments and can't wait to meet you-ish and it so it scares me off a bit.

My current bumble profile says something along the lines of being interested in meeting people for dates, being outgoing and sociable (true) and liking people who are fun and kind hearted.

Thanks for the help everyone !

The only thing that crosses my mind at the bumble profile is that if I read that profile for a man, I would assume they weren't too interested in a relationship and were looking more for casual things. But then if I read something like 'looking for something special' I would have to overcome an instant 'yuk' reflex!

This is why I don't do OLD at the mo....

The profiles my female friends have gravitated towards are the humourous ones, like an about me that read “we’ll tell people we met in a bar” ...we also came up with a good opener for one friends bumble account, quick round of “would you rather” eg. City break, beach break? Pub or club?...again the more clever responses sparked her interest.

How often are you going on dates? Do people know you have a DC (or have you got to the point of telling people, if so at what point)? What age range are you going for?

Apply to First Dates, they seem to have a good track record. Sorry don't have any other advice

Just go on loads of dates OP! You are probably being too choosy. You can't tell from the banter/chat stage how much you'll get on.

(I can't tell whether you're a man or a woman by the way). From my perspective, when I've been dating, I just go on loads of dates, and just try to have a lot of fun (alcohol helps) no matter what the outcome. I've done ok from OLD.

But yes, as they say on the dating thread here, it's a numbers game.

I'd also say (although I have no knowledge about this) that maybe it's a bit difficult for women in their 30s because men assume they're looking for a family etc. But I assume there are lots of men looking for a mother for their future children too.

I'm definitely stealing those opening lines onlyfools !

In the past I have put that I have a DC, but actually I don't have it on my current profile. I got slightly nervous about it after I was talking to one guy who seemed more interested in asking questions about DS than me, including what he looked like etc. It creeped me out so I've stopped putting it on there but tell people when messaging before meeting and say I totally understand if it's an issue for them.

I'm female BTW !

Perhaps I just need to start going on more dates in general... it's just hard to find the time and I've found I really resent spending my free time on a bad date !

This is all very helpful !

To be honest I would far rather meet someone IRL but everyone I know is married with kids and everyone they know is married with kids.

It's all my friend's faults really... they should all have a good supply of eligible bachelors on hand for me to choose from

PS age range I'm looking for is 30 - 45. I'm 34.

Go on loads of dates OP. Don't use bumble - Tinder is better. Guardian also not briliiant ime. But lots of dates. A short amount of banter beforehand.

I mention my kids in my profile. But don't include any pictures with them.

Also the men have said they are put off by use of filters, pictures with children, and those horrible thick eyebrows. But you know, just date a lot. Have fun and know that your perfect partner is coming your way very soon. And alcohol.

You know, I think there's not many really bad dates. Even those men you aren't going to have a second date with are fun!! Just approach it like that. It's a night out and it's fun. I've only had to bail on a couple of dates.

But yes, I think you need to invest time. 2 or 3 dates a week. Go for it.

You're getting much kinder responses than I did when I asked similar a few weeks ago, OP!

Personally I'm loathing OLD. I'd love to meet someone through work or friends, but it seems that single people don't really exist in 'real life' anymore. If you have someone to go with, I'd say go speed dating - if anything it will get you practising tour flirting a bit

I have no real advice for you OP because I’m in exactly the same boat. I agree, it’s so hard to meet people in real life! I think you do just have to go on lots of dates, but it can get really exhausting after a while.