I want a baby, DP doesn't...

[TheLastNigel]

I am just about to turn 39 and have two children already, aged 11 and 12 from my first marriage.
Now with lovely partner and we are settled and happy.
I always wanted more children. DP doesn't want any. He is great with my two-just doesn't want any of his own.
We had another conversation about it last night and it definitely won't be happening. Obvs at my age there won't be any more chances for me.
I just feel so sad.
He's right on lots of practical levels-we would have to move house, there would be a big age gap between my existing kids and any new babies....all of which are surmountable with some effort but would I accept Make it harder-but I just have such a strong feeling that I'd like another child.
Has anyone else been in this situation? It just feels like a door slamming shut that I'd rather didn't and I'm feeling a bit tearful today which isn't like me at all! And I don't want to it to negatively affect what is a great relationship....

I remember feeling the same way at your age. I’m four years older. I was single at the time so it was definitely not an option for me! But the feeling that I wanted another child was very strong. Now I’m resigned to fact that at nearly 43 it will never happen. And I’m ok with that. I have a healthy happy child, and I’m able to provide for her and enjoy being her mum. The feeling still comes along every now and then but the intensity has faded.

From you dp’s perspective I can understand why he wouldn’t want a baby now. Your children are older, you aren’t that far away from a lot more time together as a couple. Having a baby when two parents both want one is hard. Having one when one partner isn’t on board is a receipe for an unhappy home. Financially moving house etc may be possible but it would mean a probable shift in mortgage length, the financial implications etc. I’m sure he has considered this. Men are more logical and we tend to be more emotional.

Had you discussed having children when you first got together? Have either of your changed your mind from that discussion?

He was undecided, as was I.
I don't think he's wrong at all. I just feel really upset about it as for me know it's a definite desire to have more children, and his reason starts and ends at 'I don't want them'. Which is again fine from a logical perspective and I can't fault it-if that's what he feels that's what he feels-it's just how to get over how that then Makes me feel I guess... I'm left feeling a bit bereft in a way, and also slightly wondering if the problem lies with how he sees me rather than the having children itself. And a sort of-what are we aiming for then? Sort of feeling...

As a woman who doesn't want children, what I am aiming for in my relationship is to be happy together, make happy memories that just don't include children. I also have my own purpose as an individual, separate from being a parent or partner. I would guess that is how your DP feels considering you've been together so long and he's played a part in your own childrens' lives. I'm just saying, don't overthink it from the angle of "he doesn't want kids.... With me, what does that say about me". Unless you have reasons to do otherwise, take him at face value.

However, if having another child is a deal-breaker for you and you think this would really affect you negatively in the future, then it's a totally valid reason to end the relationship amicably while it's still happy.

Maybe you just need to grieve the fact that this door is now closing, and it would be normal to feel emotional about this. But maybe you need to consider how important this truly is to you, or whether your insecurities are being rattled by his decision....

I think a large part of it is the closing down of the fertility window.
Many friends have felt that way at around the same age...
Now, a few years later - we look at toddlers and marvel at the fact that we don’t have a other one to run after.
Our kids are a little older and life is just so much easier...

Hold on. It’ll pass. Really.