Challenging bad marriage behaviour in friends

[birdsflyinhigh]

What is your stance on getting involved in your couple friend's marriage stresses?
I have been in the place where I've been so desperate I have reached out to a close mutual friend to have a few words with my husband about his mindset/behaviour (i think he sort of did but very subtly!! No negative outcome but not sure if it helped).
I'm also now in a place where a friend is asking husband/me to speak to her spouse about his behaviour.
The subject is nothing to the extent of cheating/abuse, but stuff that is still not acceptable.
Is this just asking for trouble and "interfering" or does it help? Interested if you have any personal 'rules' or experience about this.

I think it's odd tbh, if you can't communicate with your OH then something is very wrong in your relationship

Don’t get involved OP, relationships and the way one communicates in a relationship are both only for those in the relationship. You can’t know for certain how people behave in a relationship- you have your friends version and whatever snapshots you’ve observed.

Personally I doubt that it's a good idea. I can't imagine anyone feeling happy about their partner bringing someone else into their private life in this way. The only way it might conceivably work is if the friend is incredibly sensitive and cunning AND if they have an intimate relationship with your partner where such topics are normal - so they can drop the issue into a conversation as a general rather than specific matter. So rather than them saying "I hear that birdsflyinhigh is unhappy with you doing X. What's going on?" they might say "I was reading an article about X and a lot of women were unhappy with their partners. What do you reckon?" But I doubt that many have such a relationship with their friends.

But I'm wondering what's stopping you from asserting yourself more with your partner? How bad is the issue? If it's trivial, what's stopping you from letting go of it? If it's not trivial, what's stopping you from telling your partner his behaviour is a deal-breaker? Setting your boundaries is your responsibility, not your friends.

Good luck!

I would only get involved if the behaviour happened in front of me, at which point I'd say "why are you being such a dick?"

There's no way I'd ring a friend and say "your wife's asked me to tell you to stop being a dick." That would just be enabling their communication problems.

Cheekyandfreaky - thanks, that's generally how I feel about it too

Mysteries - thanks for your concern but I probably just muddied the water mentioning that. It was a while back and sorted now. It was a very trusted person and I didn't go into any specific details with them.

Trinity - thanks for the typically passive aggressive MN response lol. I'm sure most people have never experienced any communication problems with their partners.

That's a bit hypocritical. You have done it, but won't do it for a friend?

Anyway, no I wouldn't. If I witnessed it, I might, as pp said, point out they are being a dick. But no, I wouldn't sit down a friends spouse and talk about their behaviour.

Notaclue - well, maybe, but different contexts. I wouldn't be as close to this friend. And maybe I was wrong to do it before.

NottheFord - yeah that seems like a pretty sensible rule

What Ford said.

Can't see it ending well if you get involved. Like he's not likely to say oh good thanks I hadn't realised I'll do as you say is he?

I'd put my energy in helping friend think how she can talk to him if I wanted to help

I think if there ever is a good context to do it in, it's pretty rare.

Just playing devils advocate, and thinking about when you're in a really bad spot and your spouse's opinion is the last thing you'd listen to. Possibly if you heard the same thing from your best friend it would make you sit up a bit more?

Or maybe it would just piss you off !

OP I think it's fine to mention something if it's unacceptable behaviour. Friends are allowed to mildly criticize each other if it's for the greater good. What if his behaviour affects future relationships and he is blind to it.

I think this sort of thing is a bit odd. One of my friends 'had a word' with the husband of a mutual friend about the way he was treating his wife and it made everyone feel awkward. Unless we are talking about domestic abuse, when I would step in to support the victim, I wouldn't involve myself in other peoples relationships.

Trinity - thanks for the typically passive aggressive MN response lol. I'm sure most people have never experienced any communication problems with their partners.

I wasn't trying to be passive aggressive, that's genuinely what i think on the topic? I'd be mortified if my husbands friend or someone sat me down to tell me I wasn't treating my DH right

If I had to get my friend to tell my dh to do something/stop doing something because he wouldn't listen to me then I don't think I'd want to be with him.

Gosh I can’t even imagine this scenario. What kinds of things are you talking about? Doing the dishes more often? Whether you should be having more sex? I’m with Trinity66, stay out of it!!