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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Kissed another man while married

16 replies

Greyaxis06 · 26/10/2018 09:04

I need help saving my marriage. My husband started talking to an ex girlfriend who he had a sexual relationship with prior to us being married. I asked him to stop talking to her and to delete her off Instagram (where they where talking) and he said he won't talk to her anymore but doesn't want to delete her. I explained to him several times how it makes me uncomfortable that he follows her. Weeks pass and I was using his phone and a message pops up from his ex girlfriend again. It wasn't a bad text but I got upset that he lied to me and continued talking to me. So I made him sleep down stairs all week. The weekend came and it seemed like he didn't even care that he wasn't sleeping with me anymore. So I decided to make a point and leave for the night. It seems drastic but I left because to me it felt like he was breaking my heart all over again. When we dated he cheated on me and this is how it all started him talking to another women, keeping it a secret, and making a big deal about unfollowing her on social media. He talks to other women, friends of ours and other married girls and I dont mind. I just dont see why a man should stay in touch with a woman he had sex with. This is a big deal because I saved my self for marriage and he didn't. So I left to the hotel and I was planning on being alone alright and I started drinking a lot. I have a 18 month old at home so I dont get to drink often. So I drank a lot and decided to piss my husband off and started talking to my ex. He started complementing me, bring up old memories, and I invited him to come to the hotel. I knew I shouldn't but I dont know what had gotten into me, I wanted him to come. I was really really drunk and when he came and I was still drinking. We talked a lot and just talked about life and how my husband and we both where very flirty talking about old memories. He tried to kiss me and I stopped him the first time telling him I dont want to be the kind that cheats. They later in the night he got really close to my lips and told me he really wants to kiss me, and I told him I dont want to make a mistake, and he asked if I want to kiss him. I said yes and he started kissing me, a lot. I woke up in the morning and realized what happened and had him leave. We didn't have sex. I came home and me and my husband didn't really talk for two days. Then I told him what happened. I tried to explain why it happened but I couldn't, I was happily married, I love my family with all my life, I have never thought I could be someone who cheats. I was disgusted with my self I had no feelings for the man, I woke up feeling sick after that night and didn't understand why I would wanna kiss my ex or why I invited him to my room. My husband left yesterday night and didn't come back that night. He come back home after work and spent an hour playing with our son while crying and I tried explaining how I made a huge mistake but they still both mean the world to me. He kept crying, asking how could I do this to him, and saying I dont love him. He left to stay at a friends now. We talked on text a bit, I kept trying to explain how sorry i am and that I love him and dont wanna lose my family, but I dont get much from him. I dont know what two do I have been crying for two days and everything in my body just hurts from the disgust of what I did. But i don't care if i have to be in pain like this all my life, I just want to get my husband back. What can I do to help get him to give our marriage a chance? What shouldn't I do?

OP posts:
skunkatanka · 26/10/2018 09:52

I think you need to grow up a bit to be honest. You have an 18 month old and you're booking into hotel rooms and inviting exes to join you.

I've been married for 18 years and can tell you that marriage always comes with ups and downs- you need to talk more and do the silent treatment less. Storming out of the house to a hotel room is not the action of a grown up with a baby.

ZoeZebra1 · 26/10/2018 10:01

It wasn't just a little mistake though was it? It was premeditated, you went to the hotel, started chatting to your ex, invited him to the hotel and to your room! I would guess that you did it out of revenge to your husband and for a quick ego boost.
I would probably forgive my partner a kiss, but not all the mind games, storming out, premeditated action...
Also, does your DH believe you that he stayed in your room and nothing more happened than one kiss? (I don't!)

SillySallySingsSongs · 26/10/2018 10:03

I wouldn't believe you invited an ex back to your hotel room and only kissed tbh.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 26/10/2018 10:07

I was happily married

It doesn't really sound like you are tbh.

ZoeZebra1 · 26/10/2018 10:09

I also wouldn't believe that you didn't plan the whole meeting with your ex prior to leaving for the hotel... And I wouldn't forgive you.
You need to accept responsibility, stop blaming your DH for the Instagram stuff and blaming alcohol. If he decides to forgive you both need to work on trust, but honestly I doubt he will. I would concentrate on you child and being a good parent for now.

HarmlessChap · 26/10/2018 10:28

You've chosen to continue a relationship after he cheated before you married but it has left you with huge trust issues. You shouldn't have the say so over whether he is allowed to keep in touch with an ex, you should be with him because you know he wants to be with you.

Blaming his past for your actions is rubbish, you were using your ex to make your H jealous, which is unfair to both of them. I agree with Zoe I'd be astonishing if it was no more than a kiss, alone in a hotel room, drunk, excited, both of you turned on for a wjolr night!!!

Yeah right, of course nothing more than a kiss happened!!!!

HarmlessChap · 26/10/2018 10:30

*Astonished not astonishing

Hopoindown31 · 26/10/2018 10:34

Sounds like you've wrecked it deliberately to be honest and you don't like the results.

Who knows if what your husband was doing was dodgy or not, I don't think you do. Yet, you've used that as a pretext to be incredibly destructive almost like a tantrum. I certainly wouldn't be believing your claims not to have had sex with the OM, and even if you didn't it, doesn't look good does it? I suggest you back off and let your husband decide what he wants to do.

Sorry to be blunt but it just sounds like you are minimising and blame shifting to me.

Livingloving · 26/10/2018 10:35

You spent the whole night in a hotel with your ex? I know what I would believe if I was your husband.

JessieLemon · 26/10/2018 11:25

This marriage is over tbh. Two wrongs don’t make a right. When he cheated the first time and you chose to stay you knew what you were signing up for and it doesn’t mean later down the line you get to chest without consequences.

Now your husband gets to decide whether or not he wants to stay with a cheater.

I don’t see how you can come back from this tbh, he’s cheated before, he lies about who he’s in touch with, and you’ve cheated on him. You did it because you wanted to, don’t play the ‘I don’t know why!’ card; like PP have pointed out, this was pre meditated. If you hadn’t have wanted something to happen with your ex you wouldn’t have invited him to your room and would certainly have asked him to leave the first time he mentioned kissing and you declined.

Only time will tell where it goes from here but I don’t see either of you being able to trust one another ever again, you’d be better served right now getting your affairs in order so when the relationship formally ends you can deal emotionally without the stress of figuring out finances and housing.

Neither of you were reading for a child to enter your relationship, please put him first. You both sound so immature. You cheated because you wanted to, as did he. I know you say you’re happily married but I honestly think it’s just the shock of it coming to an end imminently making you say that through rose tinted glasses, no happily married couple would be cheating, texting an ex in secret and prioritising a social media follow over their spouse (!?) and kissing an ex in a hotel!

Sethis · 26/10/2018 11:34

Given all this baggage and history, you have two options:

  1. Institute a 100% honesty policy, right now. Spend a large amount of time talking, face to face, about your problems with each other and your relationship. Agree to do anything your partner asks when it comes to other people i.e. he deletes this woman on insta, and you delete this ex as well. You have open and transparent communication for the rest of your relationship and you both bend over backwards to make each other happy, regardless of your own selfish wants and desires. Neither of you get het up about things, and neither of you nags. You just say the word, and the other person does it.
  1. You end the relationship.

Pick one.

SparklyMagpie · 26/10/2018 11:55

Only kissed 😂😂😂😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2018 12:03

What a mess. You honestly seem to believe him chatting to his ex over social media is the same as getting plastered in a hotel, inviting your ex to your room and then spending the night with him. It’s not.

You’re not in a happy marriage. Neither of you is happy and you’re deliberately hurting and disrespecting each other.

I wouldn’t believe it was just a kiss either.

Pigeonpies · 26/10/2018 12:47

Did he find out because you were being honest and thought he had a right to know? Or because you wanted to hurt him or make him jealous?

The answer will determine where your head was at and where things are heading....

BloodyDraculcasonthis · 26/10/2018 12:54

You should have kicked his lying arse out when you caught him chatting up his ex.

You knew he had form for cheating, how long before the chats were laying basework for him to cheat?

Not that it's any justification for what you did... But you wouldn't have done what you did if you were happy...

End relationship. Stay single or if you want another relationship, make sure it adds to your life, not detracts from it.

Adora10 · 26/10/2018 12:58

Sorry your story sounds hard to believe, the one night you go to a Hotel is the one night you contact your ex and the one night he comes over to said Hotel and the rest is history; what you did was indeed bloody awful, not sure how you can have a happy marriage and yet do something like that; mind, your husband doesn't sound great either, now there is no trust on either side; not a good basis to continue really.

Don't really think either of you are trustworthy and seem to try and score points with other people, really childish and very dangerous, perhaps some time apart might help you both to work out what it is you really want and how to move forward together.

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