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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me to get over him

11 replies

findingmyselfagain · 25/10/2018 23:15

Hi all,
I've messaged in here before about falling for a much younger man. It is very inappropriate as Im a TA at a local college and he is a student there. I dont work in any of his classes, just see him outwith class times. I feel really upset with myself that Im in this mess (in my head) He is 20 and I am 41. Although nothing has ever happened between us there is a definite mutual connection. I realised that I was starting to blur professional boundaries so have been avoiding him. But it has been so hard. I really think I have fallen in love with him which sounds really ridiculous. I think I am just vulnerable as I separated from a (verbally) abusive marriage in July. . I would love to tell him how I feel but I know it is inappropriate and it wouldn't end well for either of us. Would like advice about how I can manage to stop my feelings and move on. Feeling heartbroken :(

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 25/10/2018 23:22

It's not so much the age gap, as the fact that he's so very young! And yes you are very wise to try and skirt round this one. I went out with 27 year old once; I was 34 and I felt more like his mum than his gf!

GloomyMonday · 25/10/2018 23:50

I don't mean to be unkind but surely at 41 you know how to move on from a failed or inappropriate relationship? There's no magic bullet is there. Whether it's a crush on a man twenty years younger, a lengthy relationship or the end of a marriage, it hurts for a bit until it doesn't any more. Only time really works, and distraction while you're waiting, and no or minimal contact.

In your case, without even a proper relationship, it won't take much time at all if you put your mind to it. And you must, because he's so much younger, and a student at your place of work, so all wrong.

Scott72 · 25/10/2018 23:53

there is a definite mutual connection

Which would be mostly in your head. I'm sure he enjoys your company, but on the other hand doesn't really doesn't think about you much when you're not together. He would find the idea of a sexual relationship with you titillating, but would still prefer a girl his own age. If you offered him sex he'd take it, but he wouldn't develop any emotional connection from it. He's probably unaware of your feelings. Don't bring them up, it will only end in embarrassment for both of you. Just make an excuse to stop seeing him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2018 00:43

You're just shoving all your messy crap onto his innocent, young little head. It's very classic. Just try to realise that is what you are doing. It's not about him, it's about you. If this crush is useful, it is to rebound you harmlessly onto the next stage of your life. He's a convenient box for all your emotions, that is NOT a connection.

MadGentleman · 26/10/2018 01:09

Hi OP - I'm in a very similar place (got a thread on her somewhere about it) but with the genders reversed (there isn't such an age difference, but that's by-the-by).

It's actually quite telling for me that you've come out of an abusive relationship at a similar time I did. My Ex wasn't physically violent, but for almost a year prior to us splitting I had to put up with a lot of emotional abuse.

I now wonder if it isn't the good feelings you get from the interactions that gets us addicted. I fairly certain, in my instance, the other person is flirting to a certain extent and there seems to be some chemistry. But an all-consuming, turn-you-into-a-teenager crush like wot hits me? No. I think many people can "click" and even flirt and have a mild crush. But most of those will likely forget about it the moment they go home or elsewhere. I've been that person myself in the past.

But in the aftermath of that emotional abuse it doesn't half feel wonderful to experience that honest, joyful chemistry and repartee with someone else again - the kind I once felt with my Ex, especially knowing you're now single and thus open to new relationships.

Also, I've heard it can be a "solution" of the brain gone awry. One theory suggests that your subconscious makes a note of who's been a positive role model in your life. When you're very stressed or feeling unloved, it will then push you towards someone who displays many of the traits these people had. Maybe they have your best friend's smile or that kindly aunt's accent. The point is, your subconscious says "you're feeling bad and to fix this you need someone to make you feel good". In the absence of an actual supportive partner, it reaches for the nearest photofit, believing this amalgam of traits = perfect fit.

Of course, reality, sadly, isn't as simple or co-operative as our subconscious may wish it were. :(

GloomyMonday · 26/10/2018 05:53

I have a son that age and would be horrified to learn that a 40yo employee at his university was fixating on him like this. Imagine a 20yo woman posting that a teacher or lab assistant or caretaker at her college was flirting with her, we'd tell her to run a mile.

20yo men are horny as hell. I'd bet anything that he flirts with everyone. Even if there's an attraction, it's because you're a novelty, appealing to those milf or cougar fantasies, or because he enjoys the effect he has on you. It has no legs as a relationship because when he's 40 he won't be attracted to a 60yo woman on the brink of retirement.

I'm not unsympathetic, we can't help who we're attracted to, but my advice would be to avoid him and consider finding someone closer to your age who gives you the same feelings.

minmooch · 26/10/2018 06:07

Remind yourself you'd probably lose your job if you acted on this.

Remind yourself you would be the laughing stock and be gossiped about by everyone if you acted on this.

Remind yourself you are old enough to be his mother.

Remind yourself he is young enough to be your son.

Remind yourself it is probably infatuation FROM YOUR SIDE ONLY.

Remind yourself that there is someone far more suitable out there, who you do not risk your job, your pride, your everything for.

You grow up. Realise this for what it is, a silly infatuation, and get on with your life without making a fool out of yourself or him.

Sohardtochooseausername · 26/10/2018 06:11

Have you had counselling to help you get past your experiences of abuse? That could help.

findingmyselfagain · 26/10/2018 06:47

Thank you all, I needed some strong reminders. I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
memaymamo · 26/10/2018 06:53

Just want to say be gentle on yourself. None of us is ever too old to have complicated emotions, especially when you've had an abusive past.

You do need to snap out of it, but that's not at all easy. You need some kind of circuit breaker like a new hobby or a mini break, or joining a new club.

MiniTheMinx · 26/10/2018 06:57

The most obvious way of dealing with this fixation is to acknowledge it's just that, a fixation, like an impulse too, both can be redirected. The easiest way of redirecting this is to fixate on something or someone else. Most people would probably go out and date other people.

Not saying that's healthy, just a short term fix. You might meet someone fantastic. However the underlying psychological reasons remain, as does a tendency to become fixated, obsessed or driven by impulses that are unhealthy. Maybe seek psychotherapy. By this I don't mean t just talking therapists or CBT which don't get to the root of the problem.

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