Mum and her sister - NC

[JayoftheRed]

My mother is NC with her sister who lives in Australia (which does make things easier!). The sister, my aunt, has always been nasty, was a bully when they were growing up, makes out like my mum lived a life of Riley while she (my aunt) was beaten and starved and what have you. Now, I don't doubt that my aunt had a tough time of it - she was the eldest of 4 and they were fairly poor. She is about 9 years older than my mum so probably ended up having to help bring my mum up against her will. But still, none of that is my mum's fault.

As a young adult, my mum was utterly in my aunt's thrall and did pretty much anything she wanted. My aunt was a missionary (funny how these people are often religious, I've noticed) and when she was at home my mum was at her beck and call, giving her lifts everywhere, including to and from the airport when she went abroad.

When my mum met my dad, he basically said "why do you keep running around after these people?" and started telling them (my aunt and also my Gran (mum's mum who was also under the thrall of the aunt)) to not speak to her (my mum) in that way and that no, mum wasn't free to do this, that and the other whenever they needed it. My mum still struggles with saying no to this day.

Anyway, the years pass, and the aunt settles in Australia which is quite honestly a huge blessing but she likes to send nasty, hate filled letters on a fairly regular basis, slagging off my dad mainly, but also myself and my brother (my dad is a bully and a loud mouth, the apples didn't fall far from the tree etc).

It came to head in 2004 at a family wedding which she had travelled back for, when she cornered me in the loos and basically ripped me apart, slating my mum and telling me what a disgrace she was and how I was growing up just like her and if I didn't watch myself I was going to end up in all sorts of trouble (no idea what!) and so on. I told my parents and said I wanted to leave, my dad wasn't having this happen to his family and he and my mum squared up to my aunt and told her in no uncertain terms that if she had something to say, then come and say it but don't pick on me etc etc.

Anyway so that was then, nasty letters were sent periodically (from her) and my parents refused to engage, and over time it petered out to birthday and Christmas cards (not reciprocated). Then a couple of years ago it started again (she didn't like being ignored!), and she took to phoning too, but my mum hung up whenever this happened. So the nasty bile filled letters started again, were ignored, and my mum started writing not known at this address on the envelopes and sending them back but it didn't seem to work, they kept coming (a few times a year).

It is my mum's birthday this week, a big one with a 0 at the end, and she has received the usual chintzy, cliched "sisters are the best of friends" type card from my aunt, along with, randomly, a card that says I'm sorry (the card says this, my aunt has only signed it) and a wooden heart that says "sisters are bound together by heartstrings." My mum is really upset, she doesn't want this, she doesn't need this. She wants to send them back with a note saying "no thank you." She doesn't want to get into it, doesn't want to have to spell out "leave me alone" or anything like that. She thought ignoring the woman for years (it's been what, 14 years? since the wedding) would have made it clear that she didn't want to have a relationship with the woman but she seems utterly impervious to this.

Mum wants to remain no contact. I have been reading MN long enough to know that by sending the stuff back she is engaging and also giving my aunt the chance to tell everyone how hard done by she is "I tried to reach out to her but she sent it all back, I'm such a victim, her husband is a nasty bully" etc - including other members of the family who then automatically don their wings and become flying monkeys. Should I let her (as much I can "let" a grown woman do anything) send them back, or should I tell her to just throw them away and not engage?

Bloody aunt just won't get the message! It's hard because I am not the one going through it, it's not my sister. I am happily NC with the bitch, and would have no compunction in chucking the stuff (I wouldn't have opened it in the first place but she couldn't resist apparently!) but I recognise that this is not my relationship, and not my peace (or not) of mind. Would it help my mum to send the stuff back, or what?

Don’t do anything, send nothing back and don’t respond.

Missionaries are always religious!

I wouldn't respond at all, that's what she wants then she knows its been opened etc, no response must drive the evil woman mad.

Toxic relations rarely if ever let go of their intended target that easily and her sister's behaviour is called hoovering. This article explains more:-

[http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2012/03/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering.html]]

Her sister sent those items deliberately and it had the desired effect i.e. to make your mother upset. The only mistake your mother made here previously re correspondence was to write not known on the letters and sending them back; your sister knew she had her then. To such disordered of thinking people a response is the reward here. Radio silence really does need to be maintained.

I would advise your mother to throw the stuff away if she has not already done so (she does not have to give these items any more power) and not at all further engage. Once the pandora's box is opened, it is bloody hard to shut again (as she has already seen). It needs to remain closed and besides which your mother wants to remain in no contact anyway. She has physical distance here which is an advantage; now she needs more mental distance too.

florafawna I know that. I meant, people who mistreat others are often religious - narc parents etc. Way to miss the point though, thanks for your input, problem solved.

Tara Yes, that's what I want to do. I get why my mum wants to send it back though, you wonder whether you actually need to say "I have ignored you for 14 years because I do not wish to speak to you, please leave me alone!!"

Attila That's really helpful, thank you. I like the Pandora's Box analogy. I will talk to my mum tonight and explain it like that. Obviously I cannot make the final decision, but I just can't see how sending it back will help, the aunt clearly isn't going to get a letter saying "leave me alone" and think, oh, she meant leave me alone for all these years, my mistake!

Thanks again.

I can understand why she wants to respond but please urge her not to respond to her toxic sister's crap gifts. Its the response that her sister wants, it really is. People like her sister do not and never ever play by the "normal" rules of behaviour here; that rule book goes out the window when it comes to dysfunctional families.

I would say your aunt has NPD

Yes I would say my aunt has NPD, without a doubt. And in our general every day lives it makes no difference. But every few months these letters arrive and throws us all for a bit again. I had hoped that writing not known at this address might stop them if she thought mum had moved but it doesn't seem to have made any difference.

I am going to encourage her to throw the things in the bin and not engage.