Help me decide what to do please

[mycherie]

DH and I have been together and married for over 20 years. I think we are soulmates and love him dearly.

A couple of years ago he had a brief online "relationship" with another woman that he hid from me. He has female friends and I have male and we have never had an issue with each other being friends with anyone else.

I totally believe that it was just messaging but am incredibly hurt by the deceit and the lies he told me in trying to cover it up when I found out.

I just feel a complete lack of trust for him, find myself checking up on him and have even looked through his phone which I hate and makes me feel sad.

I still love him and know he loves me however am wondering if I'm better leaving him as I feel so unhappy with the way I'm feeling. It would truly break my heart and our DCs hearts if I did but I feel so unhappy in my distrust of him.

Has anyone been through this and moved on? Am I in such a tiz that I'm overreacting?

Advice would be truly appreciated please.

Your feelings are all totally valid.
Never forget that.
Was it definitely an EA only and nothing physical?
Either way, for me, cheating is a deal-breaker.
So no, I didn't move on with either of my Ex's.
I moved on, on my own!
Do you think some counselling would help?
On your own at first and then if things improve, joint counselling?
Forgiving is very hard and forgetting is impossible.
What has he done to help you rebuild the trust?

He conducted an emotional affair and that along with all the lies he told you about that is all on him. How did you find out about this emotional affair?. Those can and do cut deep as well. I take it as read he no longer has contact with this woman.

How remorseful was he?. At the time of discovery he was lying to you. How much work has he done on himself in the years since to regain respect and trust?. Counselling (both for him and jointly) and at his instigation?. Has he really in the intervening years expected you really to get over what he has done here which is basically chuck a bomb into your marriage?. I also do not think he would have been so forgiving at all if the shoe had been on the other foot here.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.
If there is no trust there is no relationship. That is the problem with trust; once it has been damaged it often cannot be fully repaired. You feel unhappy for good reason; this has never been resolved and now you are in a state of limbo and uncertainty. I would not stay for him or your children for that matter; your children need to be taught positive lessons about marriage. You may want to talk now and alone with a counsellor as well as reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as well as reading the Chumplady website.

mycherie
I totally understand, 23 years in my case, except my situation involved finding written longing stuff about someone else who worked with us and it was all done 11 years previously before I found it shoved away. Its the deceit that's a killer , my H was going through a lot of personal shit at the time it happened and I think used it as a deflection from real life, but it doesn't excuse it. I haven't left for all kinds of practical reasons but like you the hurt and lack of trust is a bit of a killer. In my case too he is secretive about other stuff too, like very frequent porn. As the therapist told me 'you cannot help it if you can no longer see someone in quite the same way or cant feel 100% the same and nor can they expect that'. Problem is when they then start trying extra hard and become a bit needy, even you then feel guilty for not being able to put it behind you as they are trying to make things right. I am not one who believes something 'had to be wrong in the marriage' for people to do stupid things like this, I don't think there always is, sometimes I think its boredom sometimes simple opportunity and sometimes just needing an ego boost or deflecting from life being a bit groundhog day,. You are not over reacting, if you feel this way its because he has made you feel this way by his actions and whilst some women can not let stuff like this cause breakups, others find it impossible in time to cope with mentally. Its sad and horrible but it happens. Hugs to youXX

I am firmly of the opinion that once the trust has gone, the relationship has too. I learnt this through hard earned and bitter experience which is why I quickly broke up with an otherwise great guy I was very much in love with, after photos surfaced of him with another woman and he lied about it. I don’t know if he cheated, but it doesn’t matter. The lies were enough.

I think in your case, given the length of relationship and the strength of feelings, I would give it one more serious shot of getting the trust back. You can’t do this alone, it has to be worked on by both of you and probably through relationship counselling. If he’s not willing or you find you can’t move on from the mistrust, then break up. Living without trust is not really living.