Why are my spidery senses tingling?

[Whyareyoucrying]

My DH came in to the room yesterday and said there is a client thing going on straight after work on November ?? And they want me to stay in a hotel.

I asked who had asked him to stay as what he said didn't make sense and he very quickly named one colleague and his immediate boss. I asked why he needed to stay (as we live about an hour away by train) and he got really angry and shouted that he never goes out and is a good husband and 'everyone ' is staying. Then he said why should he leave at 10pm. I said that last train is around midnight. He said he didn't believe me.

Now DH goes away with work a couple of times a month or so and goes out with these people whilst away (naturally) so why is this making me uneasy? I told him that it felt odd and he shouted that he won't go to any of it then and spent the rest of the evening stonewalling me.

I tried to explain that it just felt weird and that maybe i was just being sensitive but he just kept repeating that he won't go to anything ever again.

On the one hand I can see he wants to stay out if 'everyone' is but It has left me feeling weird about it. I have been asking him for maybe 3 months if he is ok etc as he seems like something is wrong but he says just work stress.

I won't accept drugs or OW. I also would not even attempt to work it out. If it's either of those then the untangling will start immediately.

Do you have anyone that DH doesn't know that could spend time in the hotel he is in and try and see what's going on. AKA spy on him OP ? I did this for a mate once. She had nothing but a spidery sense. Her DH had never clapped eyes on me so I went to where he was 'on business'. Within minutes it was obvious he was having an affair. This was before mobile phone usage was common so she had to take my word for it but he admitted it anyway when she was able to tell him what the OW was wearing in the bar and to the restaurant. Sad times but at least she knew.

when my DH was going through his 'infatuation with someone else period' many moons ago, he used to say at the drop of a hat that he had to 'pop over to their house to help with something(she lived with her mum) ' and they lived across the road, but there was just something about his manner that felt odd when I look back when he was telling me thiskind of like a nervousness in telling me mixed with hyper and he had always brushed his hair! . I did think it was a bit odd at the time but never followed it through as was too busy! . I do think we can pick up really well on manner and body language when we know someone really well and they are hiding something --, so go with your gut and discretely keep an eye on stuff.

Have you noticed anything else out of the ordinary? Like being more secretive with his phone? Working later than usual?

I mean I think women can be pretty sensitive to picking up on when someone is acting a bit weird and out of character..... But the defensiveness and declarations of "I'm not going to go out anywhere ever again" all feels a bit ridiculous and childish to me.... I would instantly be questioning that.

The bottom line here is if something feels off then it usually is, for whatever reason. I would say start looking but just be prepared at what you could end up finding out.

I almost married a man years ago - something felt really off and he kept mentioning an intern at work who had come over from the US. He was clearly infatuated with her. 6months before the wedding I uncovered that he had been having an affair with this woman...... He left his phone lying around one day and I decided to take a look. It was a shock, but better that than to spend the rest of my life with an asshole.

Could you offer to be waiting in the Hotel room for him?
See his reaction...

Was going to say same. Tell him great idea you will do a show and spend night in hotel with him.

From experience I say trust your intuition. The hyper thing sounds very familiar. Is he being very attentive to you, too? More ‘up for it’ than usual?

Good idea to suggest spending the night in the hotel with him. I think you should say that and watch his reaction carefully.

Offering to stay at the hotel could work but there are reasonable justifications for why that might not be feasible, seeing as it's a work thing. It sounds like it's going to be difficult for you to say he can't do this without it causing a big upset.

One thing you could do is ask him to call you when he's back in his hotel room for a chat, ideally a video chat like facetime or whatsapp. You love him, so it's natural for you to be interested in his work and it's fun to hear someone tell you about an activity you enjoyed.

Tell him you'd love to hear from him and have a chat about his day, so if he lets you know when he's likely to be back in his room, you can call him around that time to catch up and relieve your mind at the same time?

Have there been any other behaviour changes? I usually think other woman but your description reminded me of my DH when he is on a hypomanic high. He loses his ability to empathise, doesn’t sleep much and makes grandiose statements and gestures. Has he any history of mental health issues?

Can you check his phone?

I think trusting your gut instinct is very important. If a person has a background of being mistreated/lied to/cheated on, then they may feel well feel paranoid and out of tune/out of sync with this system, but I think for most of us, we know when something is 'off' even if your partner has never given you a 'reason.' Instinctively you are most likely in tune with something unusual or concerning in his behaviour.

I would think drugs or AW. Of course it could be nothing but someone being so ridiculously dismissive would be a red flag to me. Asking practical questions as you did, does not warrant a sulk of 'fine I won't do anything.'

Even if he is innocent of any wrongdoing, his attitude is incredibly immature.

I’m sure you are correct that something is off. You are clearly not naturally controlling or suspicious given you have never previously had issues with him going to work events or being away overnight, quite rightly.
I am on my second marriage, I’ve never snooped on a partner, but I’d be doing so in your shoes. Sounds like an affair/flirtation/drugs, but the first two are most likely.
I think I could work through an office crush if DH showed very, very, willing. Anything more than that would be the end.
Impossible to know what you are facing yet. I hope you find out soon and it’s nothing irreparable.
Don’t feel guilty about your suspicions. I know exactly what you are talking about in terms of the signals you are getting from his behaviour.
PP is wise to raise the possibility of manic episodes though, something to consider.

I think trust your gut OP.

I’d also call his bluff on him saying he’s not going. He’s doing that to try and make you stop asking questions and hoping you’ll feel bad then convince him to go.

I’d also call his bluff on him saying he’s not going. He’s doing that to try and make you stop asking questions and hoping you’ll feel bad then convince him to go.

Absolutely. I guarantee you he will still go regardless of his hissy fit now. He's working on the logic that he's going to guilt you into talking him into going and conveniently he won't be asked any more awkward questions either, don't fall for it OP, oldest trick in the book

I wouldn't say you are going and then just show up.. all that will happen is you pre warn him is that he will push it out to another time if he was planning something.
I would say him off with a smile and either go yourself or get a friend to.

Right I definitely won't let him guilt me into saying I don't mind if he goes. I will see what he says this evening and update.

Yes, v odd. There is no obvious reason for him to stay overnight and it’s unusual for him.

He sounds infatuated. Remember it may or may not be reciprocated so it could be making him up and down. Perhaps he's excited that in November he will have another opportunity with his infatuation? Don't ignore your intuition, it's usually right.

Hope it goes ok this evening OP

Good plan. Don’t bring the subject up and see what he says or does

One thing you could do is ask him to call you when he's back in his hotel room for a chat, ideally a video chat like facetime or whatsapp. You love him, so it's natural for you to be interested in his work and it's fun to hear someone tell you about an activity you enjoyed.

Nah this wouldn’t tell op anything. I dated a man who was separated and who didn’t want his wife to know about us (which worked for me too, we weren’t serious and weren’t going to be and they had a child so it’d have been this big announcement for her to know he was seeing someone etc), when we were away together and she’d ring so he could talk to their child I’d just keep quiet out of the shot or go to another room or pop out if I had something to do. If OP’s DH is having an affair I bet good money the OW knows it’s an affair and even if OP rings him in the dead of night insisting on a video chat she’ll be none the wiser.

Hope you are OK op.

I'm going through the same 'spidery senses' myself at the moment I posted a few weeks ago. I've told my husband about my.bad vibes but he refuses to stop going to the neighbours house I have bad vibes about and he dont delete her number. Says it's immature!! We are on the verge of splitting up after 25 yrs because he won't put me first.
Anyway I would say if your senses are tingling please listen to them I really don't believe we sense these things for nothing. I also have no reason not to trust my husband either and ive never been possessive or anything but my senes are tingling constantly! Hopefully you'll have better luck than me and he will actually listen to you. Best wishes x