Advice on marraige issues

[Bear92x]

Myself and my husband have been together for 4 years and had our first child 12 weeks ago. Naturally throughout the pregnancy i gained weight going from 8stone to 11 and have dropped 1 & a half stone so far. 3 hrs after giving birth my husband said he didnt love me as much anymore so calmly i asked him to leave the hospital. Hours later he came back apologising saying he didnt mean it, due to being new parents i tried to put it to the back of my head and continue with our marriage but i noticed a total shift in behaviour as soon as we got home, no passion or affection unless he wants sex, says he doesnt find me as attractive because I gained weight, starts alot of arguments calling me names then back tracks and apologises and has since twice said he doesnt love me as much anymore. Ive packed my bags several times and he begs me not to go saying he loves me and life would be awful without me. Not convinced i said i felt like he was only saying this to keep our family together to which he denied and said that wasnt the case. Theres days where im getting steak dinners and new yankee candles then the next im being told i need to loose weight and im unnatractive. I just want to know if any other ladies have gone through this and may have advice for me? Thanks x

He really takes the biscuit, being so horrible to you when you only had a baby twelve weeks ago! No-one is exactly like they were before when the baby is so young, it's ridiculous to expect it.

He's unpleasant and immature. You shouldn't be packing your bags - he can though, at least until he grows up. You need support, not criticism.

Oh love. You deserve so much more than this. He’s fucking with your head and being so cruel and awful to you.

When you say you’ve packed your bags, why do you have to leave rather than him?

You’ve just had a baby, you need and deserve anyone you’re around to cherish and support you, consistently.

I know the thought of going it on your own must be so scary, but it’s going to be better than this.

Congratulations on your little one. Your baby needs you to happy, settled and secure, not stressed, hurting, confused and poorly treated.

He's a gaslighting prick doing this when you are a new mum- although would also be bad no matter when it was done. The being nice is to make you understand that he is a great bloke and the problems belong to you. If only you can fix yourself everything will be fine. You and your DC deserve so much more - as hard as it is, it will only get worse. A partner who can do this to someone who has recently given birth to their child is the lowest of the low...He's not even caring about his child cos if he did, he would want child's mother to feel safe and secure.

Three hours after giving birth? Is there actually something wrong with him?

I would stick to your guns and end it and let him beg and plead.

If you stay with him he will continue being cruel.

Hi guys thanks for all the advice, the main reason i would be the one to leave is my husband is in the RAF and were posted abroad until summer 2019. Ive got no family and only one or two friends here so moving back to the UK as soon as possible seems like the most viable option but the thought of setting up a new home on my own scares the shit out of me! Ive spoke with my mum, closest friends and a counciller who have all said im pretty much being mentally abused but as soon as i see a glimmer of my old hubby im convinced things will be okay which clearly isnt the case. My little girl is my main and only priority and i guess i feel some sort of guilt taking her away from her dad but at the same time its not good for her being in a toxic environment...ps no arguments arise infront of the baby i make sure of that but like majority of you lovely ladies have said she doesnt need her mama being sad all the time!

Do you think another woman in on the scene? What possessed him to say he felt differently a few hours after the birth. That's bizarre.

How is he as a dad? Is he supporting you?

It's almost a mental torture to call you names and decide he does or doesn't love you.

You should be able to enjoy these first days with your baby.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Hey nope theres definetly no other woman, he doesnt have social media, is very open with his phone. Doesnt drink or go out with the lads and never comes home from work late. Basically hes under my feet 24/7 haha.

Every person that has commented on my thread seems to think the same thing his behaviour isnt normal and deep down i think he has some unresolved mental health problems

You've just had his child. Right now he should be worshipping the ground around you. You created life. If he is behaving like this now, it isn't going to get better. Get out now. You don't need another baby to look after. Especially one who is draining you of all confidence.

He's a total immature, nasty bastard and waste of space. I am quite shocked by his behaviour - as everyone has said you deserve to be loved and cosseted and cared for with a newborn baby.

I think you are in a very difficult position. I was going to say kick him out but maybe thats not viable if the property is linked to the RAF. If not, then make plans and work out your escape, don't make any rushed annoucements and then find you are stuck. You need to make clever and careful plans to support the baby and get support for you. Then go.

But know that you are leaving him and disengage from all his histrionics and manipulation. He's shown you who he is and he's not worthy.

Devil's advocate but, has the enormity of being a father maybe hit him hard and he is expressing it terribly? He could be overwhelmed by it and having a "fight or flight" battle in his head which even he is unaware of as he is overwhelmed. I would suggest a very serious calm chat about how you feel, how it's unfair on you at this time when your hormones and emotions will be out of sync. You know him best, if he has been fine for 4 years and suddenly like this, it sounds like being a dad is affecting him.

Oh believe me weve had many calm chats and ive asked him these questions the response is always "no thats not the case" I believe he has mental health issues and is obsessed with the fact im not a skinny minny anymore!

When he’s not home pack your bags and your baby and leave him a note that reads “Hello dear I’ve decided to take your advice and go on a diet-I’m leaving your sorry ass and I’ve instantly 180 lbs lighter of your deadweight. Bye Felicia”

My god what a nasty prick don’t care what his issues are he’s a nasty bastard and you’d thrive with your child without about him around, do it!!

Oh OP I'm so sorry your H is being so horrible to you when he should be treating you like the goddess earth mother you are. Sounds like his love for you was squarely centred on how sexually attractive he finds you and now that your body, which has performed a miracle and grown and birthed new life, has changed he is withdrawing his skin deep love from you. Bastard. Did he think you were going to look the same for the rest of your life? What happens when you age and get some wrinkles? Or heaven forbid, cellulite!!
The way he is behaving is abhorrent, you need to be surrounded by people who will love and support you. Moving back to the UK to be close to a good solid support network sounds like a good idea. I get that it's scary to do that and set up on your own but you won't be alone. That wonderful support network of people who love you (really, truly love you not just wuv you for how purdy you are) will be there with you helping you to build your new life. and un-mumsnetty hugs for you

It’s a good job we don’t all just fall out of love/affection at any slight change in weight or appearance or there would be far more dumped guys who are going bald/ gain a gut/ stop bothering . What if you were ever ill?? OP, he’s got a screw loose, he values you only by the fact of ‘look who I pulled’ and your overall attractiveness by the sound of it. You sound very lovely , do yourself and your self esteem a favour and find a way out as soon as you can, even if it means back to family for a short while.