How to support a friend going through a separation?

[FermatsTheorem]

Good friend phoned to let me know she and her DH are splitting up. 2 kids. His decision, but no OW as far as I know - both have been struggling with health issues and their youngest has aspergers, and I think it's just one of those terribly sad situations where the total shit storm has proved too much for the marriage.

Friend sounds absolutely shell shocked - couldn't stay on phone for long as she needed to sort tea for the kids, and also didn't want to go into detail in case she lost it (obviously not something she wants to do in front of the children).

Any thoughts on what sort of things I can do to support her? If you've been through this, what did you find helped? (She lives in a neighbouring town so it's a bit of a trek to go and see her, plus my DC has sports commitments at the weekends). Texts? Phone calls? A "thinking of you" card? At the moment I'm flailing a bit as I'm not quite sure what would help her.

I would absolutely find a way to go and see your friend if at all possible...this deserves dropping everything for. Give her a hug, listen to her. Let her know you are there for her. Bring a token gift if u like but being there matters more. X

Try to send her a message or call every few days too. The friends who are stlii thinking of you weeks and months down the line are worth their weight in gold.

Eh?

Maybe ask her what would be most helpful from you as you want to support her as best as you can through this shit awful time.

Thanks for the ideas - yes, I will keep in touch every few days. That's a good idea.

She wasn't really in any fit state to say what she needed tonight, but I will ask her again when she's maybe better able to talk about it. I've told her she can phone any time.

I will try to arrange a meet up - will have to fit round her schedule (the youngest, with Asperger's, really needs routine, so it's crucial to organise things to suit how she handles that.)

We have supported each other through break ups in the past, but this is just so much more serious - it's a marriage, there are children involved, there's other shit going on in her life - somehow a bottle of cheap plonk and a box set isn't going to cut it this time.

On a lighter note did I miss a visit from the spell caster? I feel like I've arrived in MN terms of they're spamming a thread I started.

Encourage her to look after herself physically as best she can - she’s probably not eating/sleeping well. Maybe combine your visit with the delivery of something she can just throw in the oven to keep her strength up - it sounds like she’s going to need it.

I would keep in touch every day tbh, there will probably be conversations they are having together that she will want someone else’s opinion on rather than just keep it all to herself. Not necessarily a call but definitely a ‘ how are things today ? ‘ text

I remember supporting my DSis through the break up of her marriage, in her case she had suffered DV at his hands, so it was different, and there were no DC thankfully.

But what I learned from that was that all you can do is listen, and not advise. I took my DSis to a solicitor at the firm I worked at as a legal secretary, and, in her case, filing for divorce was what she needed in order to get back control of her life.

It's so hard when you're looking on, I remember that. But the main thing is to be there for your friend, whether in person or on the phone. She needs to know that, above all, you're there for her.

How kind to think of your friend at this time OP. I'm 3 months down the line from her- OW was denied but was there - be prepared for her to find that out - someone who has been listening to his problems yadda yadda.

Anyway, in terms of helping - I found I didnt want to talk about it ALL the time - iliked tge distraction of the "normal" lives of others. Make sure she knows she will not be alone, that you are there for her. Don't make any demands of her - if she doesn't want to talk, don't force it. I had a friend who texted me a simple ' night salt, x" every night....it didn't require a response but I knew she was thinking of me. My heart goes out to her - the pain and fear are indescribable but 3 months down, I am feeling soòoo much better

somehow a bottle of cheap plonk and a box set isn't going to cut it this time
It will you know.
Just time doing normal things with mates who want to love and support you is exactly what she needs right now.
An ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.
My friends totally got me through my break-ups.
They went out of their way to be there for me.
Take me out. Let me cry etc......
A card wouldn't of helped TBH.

Thanks again for all the suggestions. She's plodding on - everyday life with the kids at half term is helping a bit. I'll keep checking in with her, and try to be led by what she wants from me.

That's a tricky one, in a similar situation with a very old friend (married with 2 children, divorce). I just contact her frequently, writing would be a good idea, try to distract her with little stories. It's probably a bit raw for her at the moment isn't it?

She's 100 miles away but we've planned to meet up for champagne when divorce finalises. And I let her bitch about OW as much as she wants. I'll stop that after the divorce :)