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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave

11 replies

mumofboysnot1but2 · 24/10/2018 20:54

Hi. This may be quite a lengthy post so I apologise.
I have been with my husband for 11 years married for 1. We have 2 boys together 6 and 2. We also have my stepson living with us who is 13.
My stepson came to live with us early this year due to issues with his mum and her partner. Social services put him In our care due to dv,drug use and selling and excessive alcohol. It is still going through court and I am at the end of my tether with it all. I have always loved my stepson dearly and always treated him as my own.
Throughout this year we have had to undergo parenting assessments, intrusive questions and social services have also had to talk to my eldest. I have found it very hard although all of our assessments have come back extremely positive.
I have had to go to the go as I am finding myself crying day in day out. I can't cope! I have been on antidepressants for 2 months now and I don't feel any different.
I have had to make all the phone calls as my hubby can't have his phone on him at work and I can. I have had to run my stepson 8 miles to and from school daily which means I am constantly late for work and am unable to take my own children to school/nursery. It has affected us financially which has put a major strain on us as a couple and a family. We both work full time and have a good wage but were skint.
We argued before all of this, however we are now falling out every day. We don't argue in front of the kids but I know my eldest knows there's something not quite right as he asked me why I'm not friends with daddy anymore!how do I answer that??!
I do love my husband but I don't know if I love him the way I'm supposed to anymore. He has been useless. All of the pressure has been on me, I've done all the running around. Of course he's happy because he got all of his boys but he hasn't changed a bit. He hasn't once asked me if I'm ok or offered to take some of the strain off me. I do all of the household chores, sort bills, sort everything. I have told him that I need some help but nothing changes until I blow my top. Even then things only change for a day or 2.
He frustrates me, his lack of help has made me resentful towards him and I hate how I feel. He refuses to admit that he is depressed, I am a nurse and so can recognise signs. He doesn't come to bed, falls asleep on the sofa until 3-4 am then comes up nd get a up late every morning. Every time I try to talk to him he either blows up like bottle of pop or just walks away. It's like he doesn't want to admit something's wrong. I have tried talking him in not happy but he's not listening.
My step son can be quite hard work at times and can be vile to the 6 yo. My issue is he's seen so much violence he tho is it's normal behaviour and I don't want this kind of behaviour rubbing off on my kids.
I really don't want to be in my marriage any more but I feel stuck because if I leave where does that leave my stepson?
I can't be miserable for the rest of my life I don't know if I should stay or go! I desperately need some advice. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
helpimgoingcrazyhere · 24/10/2018 22:25

That sounds incredibly tough and like all your usual resilience has probably been whittled down to nothing. I don’t know about leaving him or not, but how about talking to your gp? See if you can get some support. Perhaps counselling or meds or both to just help you get through. Do you get any time to yourself? If not, can you? It sounds like you need some mental space. It also sounds like your husbands not pulling his weight with home and the mental load. Its just whether youcan pull together or if you need to call it a day. I don’t know the answer to that as it sounds like you try to resolve this but he’s not listening. Whatever you do, just try to look after yourself too. I feel for you.

BackInTheRoom · 25/10/2018 00:22

He needs to help his kid. He needs to carve out time in the day to address these issues and support his kid so stop doing it. No more running yourself ragged or you will break, if you haven't done so already. He needs to go see the GP now not you. Pull back OP and concentrate on 'Self Care' and try and keep yourself sane. Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2018 00:41

Take your children and run like hell. Your partner can start dealing with his eldest child in his own. Don't let this untenable situation ruin the lives of your children.

Rebecca36 · 25/10/2018 00:47

That's a very sad story, I'm so sorry.

Your husband has to take some responsibility, you need support but he obviously does to so do try to persuade him to see his GP.

Make some time for yourself too, you are important!

Could you stepson not go to a school nearer to you, now he's left his mum's house?

DancingForTheDog · 25/10/2018 08:21

Why can't your husband take his son to school? You are a busy working family and everyone needs to pull their weight. Don't ask him, tell him what chores, duties he has to carry out. What is it with these men who think they're 'helping' if they take on any domestic tasks? They are just as much his chores as they are yours! He does sound depressed but that's not a free pass to behave as he does. Ask him straight what he thinks he brings to the table. He really needs to shape up. He has 3 children and he acts like a bloody teenager.

bluejelly · 25/10/2018 08:42

What dancing said.
And Thanks to you OP. You sound an amazing lady keeping all this together.

ShatnersWig · 25/10/2018 08:46

I'd leave. Or at the very least be laying down "this is how it is going to be from now and THIS is what YOU will be doing to support YOUR son and ME"

If he's not happy about it, leave. You need to put your children and yourself first in this situation.

AngelsSins · 25/10/2018 13:57

I would ask him what he would do if you left, because you’re seriously considering it. Spell it out to him, you’re not his skivvy, it’s not your job to do everything. He may well be depressed, but that doesn’t give him a Opt Out Of Parenting card, and leaving it all to you isn’t going to do your mental health much good either.

Adora10 · 25/10/2018 13:58

That is awful, you are being used OP, stop being a martyr for people that don't even appreciate what you do, what you are doing is the job of these so called parents, both fucken useless; I'd also tell him big changes from him or I'd honestly give it up and go live a happier life with my own kids.

NotTheFordType · 25/10/2018 18:12

"DH, I've been told that if I'm late for my shift again I'm looking at potentially being dismissed. So from now on you will be taking Little Billy to school. Make arrangements."

Does your dh even spend time with the poor lad? Or is he left to think his dad doesn't really give a shit about him?

Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 31/10/2018 16:32

He's unable to take him to school as he starts work at 7.30 and I start at 8.45. To be honest no he doesn't spend much time with him, or the other 2 for that matter. Only when I'm at work at the weekend, even then he doesn't really do much with them. I've told him to take them out, the park,fishing take the Dogs for a walk. But he doesn't. He doesn't seem to have much interest in anything. I've asked him to go to the go as I think he is depressed but he refuses to admit anything is wrong. U feel so guilty for feeling like I want to leave but I can't carry on

OP posts:
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