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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Undecided about staying

10 replies

hatemylife · 24/10/2018 20:44

First time posting but I need some advice
I'm so fed up with my life and marriage, been married for 28 years. recently had a massive melt down on holiday which saw me ranting like a fisherwoman at my soon to be DIL. This was so out of character for me. Anyway things got a bit out of hand and she told me I wasn't welcome at the wedding!! My DH never said a word or did anything to support me. I did apologize to those involved.
What hurts now is that he won't talk about it and is carrying on like nothing has happened. He never deals well with any emotions and I now feel so let down by him, so alone. We are not really speaking atm - rather i'm not speaking.
He has a lot of activities at the weekends which means that I am left home alone. I don't have many outside interests or friends.
I'm now thinking that I would rather be on my own, but don't want to have an argument about leaving
Any advice welcome

OP posts:
Musti · 24/10/2018 21:04

Well you ranted so why should he stick up for you?

MissConductUS · 24/10/2018 21:07

If you were ranting like a fisherwoman (fishmonger's wife?) at soon to be DIL and it was unjustified and out of character, how did you expect DH to support you?

I think that in his mind you had a meltdown, it got ugly with DIL and you apologized, so it's water under the bridge at this point, so you're not speaking to him?

How exactly did he let you down? By the way, giving someone the "silent treatment" is really hostile passive aggression.

You sound like really, really hard work tbh.

Twillow · 24/10/2018 21:20

You haven't mentioned your son's reaction to all this, interestingly.

hatemylife · 24/10/2018 21:35

sorry - thought this would be a safe place to ask for help.

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 24/10/2018 23:06

Dear OP,
What led up to the "meltdown "? Wère you already dissatisfied with other things on the holiday? Maybe it's worth looking at that bigger picture.

If I'm guessing correctly, the support you wanted was for him to help you understand what happened and maybe recognise some of your embarrassment. ...you needed forgiveness /compassion I think?

That's what a good partner should do...we all fall apart at times, but a loving partner is the one who needs to pick us up at those moments. Hope you're OK OP.

BackInTheRoom · 25/10/2018 00:07

He probably doesn't agree with what you said so didn't feel compelled to support you. I think maybe your rant is out of frustration about your life because it sounds like you may benefit from doing things that make you happy. Only you can make you happy I'm afraid.

LemonTT · 25/10/2018 00:50

@hatemylife

Do you recognise any of the contradictions in your post? For example, you imply a degree of resentment at being on your own at the weekend but then say you want to be on your own. Same with wanting him to talk through the argument and his reaction but at the same time putting up the barrier of not speaking to him. Apologising for your behaviour but expecting him to defend it.

I think the average person would be scared of you and for you right now. By that I mean, scared that anything they say could provoke anger or hurt in you. The most emotionally intelligent person would struggle to know what you want, because it doesn’t add up.

Is this you normally or is this a new development? I think you sound as though you are struggling with your temper and control. If this is recent you may be suffering from stress or some hormonal imbalance. I just think you may be not coping with something fundamental in your life and not just your husband.

Do you want to be this this way? Leaving your husband is probably easier to consider than confronting the reason you are losing control. But separation and divorce will be no picnic if you are stressed already. The risk that you would alienate your family will be great.

I think at this point you want comfort from a loved one, maybe your husband. However you have thrown up barriers that might be making it impossible for him to offer it.

Stress, anger, frustration and resentment seem to driving you actions and reactions at the moment. This is not a good thing. It means any decision you make will be poor. You need to address them before you make a major decision like leaving your husband.

It could be that you need medical support. Maybe see your GP.

MissConductUS · 25/10/2018 01:42

Here's help. Stop taking out your anger about the mess you've caused on your husband and own it. You've alienated a woman who is about to join your family, so see what you can do to make amends to her. You've embarrassed your son and your husband, so apologize to them too now. Hope that your new DIL finds a way to forgive you or you'll have very little role in their lives. Don't make your son choose between supporting your or his wife.

If you feel like leaving your husband give it a go. Just don't be surprised if he's just fine with it.

Hope this helps.

AlaskaSometimes · 25/10/2018 03:41

OP this really isn't a safe place to post unless the general consensus agree with you. If they don't it is a pile on and flood of nastiness. I advise you to find a better community or reward and try again with a different OP. If you explain the situation including what the argument was about and give your side it might be different. people make assumptions and react without considering that not every post has the ability to articulate themselves well. Or consider they are alienated, lonely and possibly in a really awful place.

Maybe you could seek some personal counselling to get a better idea of what you want.

AlaskaSometimes · 25/10/2018 03:41

*reword and try again with a different username I mean.

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