How many times will my borderline (pd) ex keep coming back?

[Bettalina]

We finally split in January after one too many of his abandonment rages when the police were involved. But after a period he seems to forget the hurt/violence he caused and he approaches me anew looking to very, very gently, rekindle things again. I live alone so I'm very careful about my safety. Thankfully I'm fully independent of him, no crossover with dc etc. I'm wary to handle him carefully should he appear so as not to trigger an outburst. I'm well aware of the angel/demon cycle they project onto you. So far I've done really well but recently he's popped up twice. I'm always firm, only engage minimally if absolutely necessary but I wonder how long this will go on for. He has a criminal record for dv I only found out after we split. I'm guessing he'll only fully move on when he finds someone new? Can anyone offer reassurance?

You shouldn't have to "handle" him at all.

Do not engage with him AT ALL

Avoid his calls, change your phone number & email & don't answer the door when he calls round- if he hangs around or persists call the police.

For your own safety distance yourself.

OP that situation sounds pretty horrendous. I’m in a similar position, sadly we have a newborn together which means that in one way or another we are tied together forever (in the financial sense).

My ex, despite carrying out some of the worst atrocities also seems to forget the hurt and damage he has caused and out of the blue will get in touch with me. In the past I’ve told him to back off but have been too weak to sustain pushing him away and have always taken him back.

I’m in that cycle again and have asked him to communicate through a third party as I find direct contact too stressful. He’s on his ass financially and perhaps that’s why he wants to be in my life, he’s also tried to get back with another of his exes (he’s currently dating some unsuspecting soul) but would give her up if either of us were to take him back. It’s sad and it’s desperate and I’m happy to report that I’ve been able to ignore his sobs.

But to directly answer your question he may always come back, a restraining order could be an option for you?

Calls & emails aren't the issue - it's 'accidentally' bumping into me in the street.. or parking outside my house.

The police said his behaviour wasn't enough for a restraining order.

Hmmm so stalkerish behaviour then?

If you bump into him, smile, say "hi sorry got to dash" don't stop or engage as you said before. Make a note where & when you saw him, it can all add up as evidence should you need it later.

Ditto if you see him parked outside the house, make a note of time & date, keep a diary of sorts. If you feel uncomfortable could a friend or relative come over as if they were coming anyway? How long does he sit there for?

It must be so annoying for you, but you don't have to put up with it, he might move on soon might not but he has no right to interfere with your privacy or make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Please contact Paladin who can help with his stalking, because that’s what it is. I’m astonished that the police don’t think this is serious enough for a restraining order.

The police said they classed his behaviour as the 'lowest' category as he hasn't actually laid a finger on me. He was extremely verbally violent, screaming in my face & body-blocking me. He threw away some of my personal possessions (which were never found) & stole my phone - but the police did retrieve that.

Have you had any support from Womens Aid.
They should be able to help you with how to handle things.
Unfortunately, the more I read on here, the less confidence I have in the police.
But WA can guide you, so keep trying them until you get through.