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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can anyone help...i dont know what to do.

16 replies

katjac · 16/06/2007 14:27

Hi, I am new on this forum, but you all seem a lovely bunch, who may be able to offer some advice to little old me...

I have 5 month old twins, and my OH has just got a new job 200 miles away. He wants us to sell up and move. However i really dont want to go. I dont get a huge amount of help from him anyway, and TBH i just dont know how i feel about him anymore. If i didnt have my babes, i definatly would not be going with him. My family and friends are all here. He doesnt have many friends, and his family live up north, so none of these issues bother him. I just feel so desperate at the moment!

OP posts:
ChipButty · 16/06/2007 14:37

If you don't love him, tell him. Don't move if you know there is a good chance you will split because then you will be on your own miles from your family. Why didn't you get things sorted before he applied for a job miles away?

katjac · 16/06/2007 14:41

I didnt know he would get this job. He has applied for them miles away without asking me what i want, and just expects me, now we have children to go with him.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 16/06/2007 14:43

Poor you - it's a horrid situation to be in. Re; not feeling sure about him, is it since you've had little ones?
I'm can imagine it's very hard to cope with twins anyway but will undoubtably be more difficult if you don't have any moral support from trusted friends and family. Could he commute for a while? It might give you time to sort your feelings out before making any big decisions.
We had to move quite a way when I was PG with my first, the first few months were awful and I felt sooo lonely but after she was born made myself get out and about and met some great people. Kids are a great way of making new friends xx

ChipButty · 16/06/2007 14:44

This does not sound like much of a partnership if he is making major decisions without consulting you. Trust your instincts and stay where you have the support of your family. Good luck. x

katjac · 16/06/2007 21:05

Thanks to the 2 of you that replied. I was about to leave him when i found out i was 8 weeks pg. I couldnt contemplate abortion, although he wanted me to take that route and didnt speak to me for days when he found out about the pregnancy. I had to go through the initial consultation at the termination clinic as he didnt want me to go ahead with the Pg, and then when i said that i couldnt do it he agreed too. I then found out that i was having twins. I was on my own for this scan, as he wasnt worried about being there, and then when he knew it was 2, he got really boastful about it, and still is, but doesnt back me up with any help!! I am at the end of my tether and just want out of this relationship!

OP posts:
Mumfun · 16/06/2007 21:33

Hi

I dont feel very expert on your situation. but its feels that you should definitely not go. He should not have a job without consulting you.

It sounds like this will really be the test of whether you stay together. But Im sure its also hard because youre probably tired with twins.

Hugs - hope you can see a clearer way forward.

MF

pooka · 16/06/2007 21:42

I really think that it would be madness to move when you're feeling so unsure about your future with your OH anyway.

Perhaps it would be a good opportunity for you each to work out what you really want.

You need to make it clear to him that you don't feel confident enough in the strength of your relationship to move 200miles away from family and friends AT THE MOMENT.

If he decides to take the job on that basis, then it may be an opportunity for you both to take stock of your relationship and to see whether you can rebuild it. If, through weekend commutes/making a real effort at the times you ARE together, things get back on track, then it may mean that you do move in the future.

If he was to take the job regardless, he has to realise that if you don't move to be with him, he is going to have to work hard on the relationship (with you and the twins). And to acknowledge that if things don't work out there has to be a system in place for him to attempt to maintain a relationship with your children.

Good luck. Hope you manage to work things out.

katjac · 18/06/2007 12:26

I have had enough. I dont feel anything for him at all, other than resentment most of the time, this morning i got told at 7am that my cat had brought a dead animal in, whose bits were all over the floor, and then when i got up, half hour after he told me, he hadnt made any attempt to clear it up, and then pointed to it and said there it is.....as if i couldnt see it!!!! and then walked out the door to go to work.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/06/2007 13:21

Katjac
My heart goes out to you; you sound like you're really hurting and I get the feeling that you've been bottling this all up for a while.

I can't advise you on what to do but if you write everything down; all the feelings you have and how upset you are in a letter to him (you don't have to give it to him) it can sometimes be quite cathartic and help you to find a solution for yourself.

If he knows how unhappy you are and is still not helping you or trying to get things right then is it possible that you both want out?

Relate may be able to mediate for you if you find it hard to express yourself in front of him and hopefully help you to reach a solution which will help all of you.

Hugs and thoughts
Wisteria xx

DivaSkyChick · 18/06/2007 13:22

Hi Katjac,

What an ass. At least he's making the choice easier for you.

Have you worked out the logistics or thought about seeing a soliciter yet? Just to see what your rights are, you don't have to move forward with anything until you're ready.

Good luck and please keep posting.

katjac · 18/06/2007 14:07

i have been to Citizens advice, and was offered some good advice, so i know there is help out there if i need it. Its just getting the courage to tell him i want out!

Thanks xxx

OP posts:
Wisteria · 18/06/2007 14:20

It's never nice and it's never easy but you don't sound like you're in a particularly great place now, so maybe nothing to lose?
It was the hardest decision I ever made (to leave ex) and he was nothing like as unsupportive as yours sounds.
However, although it's not easy and a bit of a rough ride, you do come out the other side and if you are happier you will be a happy Mum with happy kids. If you are very miserable then your children will be affected long term IMHO.

katjac · 19/06/2007 22:43

I told him how unhappy i was tonight, and that i dont want to move away, and he has just turned it all around, and made it my fault!Apparently he has kept all his promises to me, and i am breaking our family up! He is completely ignoring me and what i am saying about how unhappy i am, and just spent the time talking about himself, and how he has done everything that is needed to keep us together.
This is just awful!

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/06/2007 22:53

Don't move away from your support system. i have twins and i know how utterly difficult it canbe. what i would also say is that this is a difficult time for you all, its like nesquik insta family - and men sometimes in the absense of anything else think that woman should be some apron wearing housewife whilst they go kill wilderbeast.

thing is - he to is adjusting and 5month twins and the havoc of all this newness isn't really the time to be making lasting relationship decisions.

if he's being a complete wanker but he loves you - there will be a comprimise.

maybe you can activley help him find a job closer to home, maye you could discuss going part time to ease the burden - i dunno - but i do know that this needs a sit down conversation. with rules.

yes pretend you are both 7 years old in class - you need rules, no shouting, constructive - where are we going, why are each of us unhappy and how can we help each other make things work.

like your writing a story
beginning
middle
end

write things down
aim for something together.

any reasonable person can see that just comin home one say with " i've got a job up north, pack yer bags chuck" ain't gonna cut the mustard.

he might feel pressured - maybe there are financial things going on you dont know about - maybe pressures at work then he comes home to " bit more help wouldnt go amiss you know, i haven't even been out of the house all effing week" isn't pleasant either.

i'm projecting

you both have your issues no doubt, and both of you wnt the other to say "ther there, shit day? bummer, your so good ...blah blah arse licky blah"

but if you both want a bit of appreciation and neither is giving becuase each thinks they are martyre supreme - then your at stalemate - so sit down talk is needed

hope this helps

katjac · 19/06/2007 23:04

I asked him to be honest about how he feels about me, and his answer was :there are 2 you's, and most of the time its the pain in the arse one!
That wasnt really what i was asking. I dont think he loves me either. I think he just wants the show of a nice family!

OP posts:
elifay · 20/06/2007 02:05

Poor you...
I don't think you should move far away from your family and friends who seem to be the only ones helping out...

He shouldn't have taken a job so far without consulting you!!! Who does he think he is??

Hang in there...
And if you need twin advice as your babies grow up, ...I'm a twin...

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