I think my marriage is over - please help

[Hattie78]

We’ve been together for 17 years and married for 14 and we have two lovely children but we’re as distant as two people could possibly be and it’s making me miserable. He has absolutely zero sex drive and it’s killing us. We haven’t had sex in over 10 years. I’ve tried to tell myself it’s ok, there are worse things, he’s a good dad etc but I’ve recently turned 40 and lost a lot of weight and it’s awakened something in me.
We don’t make each other happy and we never spend any time together, to be honest I’m happier just with the children, but I just don’t know where to start - telling him, the kids, the house (we’re both on the mortgage) etc etc. I don’t want to do anything before Christmas so am going to use the time to find out where I stand financially etc.
Please can I have some hand holding/advice/straight talking? Thanks.

Yes I would say your marriage is over, will it destroy your kids if you split? If it will and he feels the same about the end of your marriage, can you just coparent and live together as housemates until the kids are old enough? Just a different perspective from LTB.

I wondered that but I just don’t want to. I want a proper relationship. Is that horribly selfish? The kids spend most of their time with me. I obviously don’t know how they’ll be but surely it’s better for them if I’m happy.

Life is too short. If you are not happy and he is not happy then you are making the right choice as long as you know there’s no working on it. It’s not a reason/excuse but plenty of people do it, so the mortgage etc can be sorted. Be fair to yourself is my advice, don’t stay miserable forever, there is probably a better life waiting for both of you, good luck OP. X

8 years, not 10. I can’t count. Still pretty dire though!

Have you met someone already?

No but I suppose I feel there’s a possibility I could.

After living so long with someone who doesn’t find me attractive my self esteem is rock bottom but the diet and exercise has awoken something in me.

If you have shaped up, might he start fancying you again? Is there any hope? You definitely deserve those feelings, good on you girl!!

I really don’t think so. He literally has no libido. I was his first partner and he’s never been interested, plus I was much hotter when I was younger lol.

He’s happy to spend all his free time on the sofa on his phone. I want so much more. It’s always me who will arrange things for the kids (and often me who takes them on my own). I’m just fed up of trying and getting nothing back.

Get it done. Get your ducks in a row, make a plan and dump him! Read the pears of wisdom thread that’s going on at the moment in chat, might be some good advice there. Good luck.

Well you don't communicate that's pretty obvious - not just the collective you, but he doesn't and you don't either. That's very sad given the time that has passed between you. But you ought to exhaust the possibility of communicating for a better life together, before you make a major step that will, unless it is handled very intelligently, hurt your children and could bury a ticking time-bomb beneath them in their own lives. One of you, and I suspect it is you, will have to start the conversation and just see if there is something worth salvaging. Be prepared. You will have to wear your heart on your sleeve and make a fool of yourself. You have nothing to lose by that, choosing the higher moral ground.
That's not to say you will stay together, but if you exhaust those efforts, split and yet still put your children first then all good to you. If you continue with openness and communicate with them respectfully you will grow two great adults.

Hey Hattie78 you are where I was 15 years ago and yes, I should have left him. We have had no sex life or common interests and I am just about to file for divorce after over 30 years of marriage. The last straw was when I found inappropriate messages to another femaie. The positives? I suppose our children have had the "security" of an upbringing within marriage. The negatives? At 55 what chance do I have of true love and for how long? Sending you strength x